i sing karaoke.

     i sing karaoke because you did.
i remember sitting in our little 2 bedroom apartment.
you, me and heide listening to music.

we had this microphone that you could plug into the front of the stereo system and sing along with whatever was playing. all you had to do was hit the "karaoke" button and the vocal track would fade away enough to sing along to.

i just remember it all the time like this...

you're there with your buzz cut and you have the mic in your hand and you're singing along to that annoying song by Daft Punk. "around the world".

i see your face and the crazy head movements that accompany a song where the lyrics repeat over and over; trying to mimic the robot voices and dance at the same time.

i see heide laughing so hard that i'm sure everyone in the place could hear.



i stepped out of the shower right now and i stood in the middle of my room and cried for a bit with my head in my hands... i just missed you really bad right then.
but then i remembered this little moment.

life was always so crappy
but that never got in the way for us.



i sing karaoke because you did.

washing the mustang

      Sometimes when people talk to you it ends up annoying you.

      Sometimes people just don't know how to say what they're trying to say.

I was out washing the mustang today because, once again, i have been threatened to move it. Tony was sitting out there being himself.
That meant that he was yapping about whatever came to his mind and being somewhat annoying. For hours. But i was entertaining the conversation anyway.

He was just talking about random bullshit for a while until he paused in his normal cadence and said that his mother was in the hospital back in Veracruz with kidney failure. He went on to say that she was older now and that something has to go first when you're that age and for her it was her kidneys.

...he trailed off for a bit and when he came back he said that he could clearly remember the first memory he had of his mom.

He said he could see himself standing in front of a mirror with her standing behind him. She was getting him ready for school.

He said he remembers wearing an ultra starched white uniform shirt and she was adjusting his collar before he left.
(the whole time he's talking it looks like he's actually there reliving that first memory.)

"she was standing behind me...this big woman"
"she was a beautiful woman... she's still beautiful now"

then he went quiet again.



*Sometimes, if you're careful enough, you can get a Memory to land just right in the palm of your hand... but, when you try to show someone it flies away again.
That's what happened out in the garage today. 

RECYCLED

the things we lose for all the wrong reasons..

i was watching the video i took of sam's wife walking down the aisle with her father in arm.. when i noticed something i have only seen in video for years now.. 

before the bride came the flower girls.. and one of the little girls couldnt stop laughing.. which made me and a lot of other people laugh too.. and there in the backround.. through the pubic hair beard he's got now.. i saw bishop smiling..
laughing even.. and it made me feel like i was missing something..

then theres the picture that i had josie take of me, sam, fredo, and isaac.. and after i showed the picture to sam.. i told him.. the only thing missing is big ass bishop standing in the back.. and we laughed that broken laughter that comes from a place thinly veiled in guilt.
the things we lose for all the wrong reasons.

finally..
it was late in the night.. and they stretched this huge screen across one side of the little area where we were at.. and sam said he was gonna play a video slideshow and that he was dedicating it to someone who couldnt be there.. 

and sams brother was sitting next to me and he said he thought it was for his grandpa..

so i didnt think too much of it... 
i leaned back and readied myself to watch the show.. when the music started.. that one song.. the song we all have in common.. me. bishop. sam. and joser.


the story goes.. when we came home from bootcamp.. we had 10 days of vacation.. and the 1st day.. i think.. we went to bishops house for a while.. and it so happened that his parents weren't home so we broke out the plastic bottle vodka.. well joser did.. and maybe bishop.. im not sure.. it was so long ago.. and we all got on the computer and downloaded music.. well joser downloaded "time after time".. by cyndi lauper..  and he sat there and drank and listenened to that song over and over again that night.. and to this day i dont know why... but we always remember it.


so the video starts and the song follows.. and its the cover of time after time by matchbox 20....

immediately my eyes fill with tears and i tell josie i have to go.. i stand up and walk away slowly.. trying to hold it in.. 
i stare out into the night and i cant hold it.. 

i turn around and here comes sam.. also teary eyed... he reaches for me and hugs me the way a father should hold his son.. 
i cry.. outloud.. as the song progresses... 

you said go slow.. i fall behind.. and the second hand unwinds.. if you're lost you can look and you will find me.. time after time  ..if you fall i will catch you... ill be waiting.. time after time.. i end up missing most of the video and i dont remember if sam said anything to me during those minutes.. but i dont remember anyone else being around.. 

it was like everyone else had disappeared..
and i wish bishop had stayed to see it too..


the things we lose for all the wrong reasons..

  
i think i thanked sam for the song .. but its all hazy and still drenched in the tears i left on his rented tuxedo coat that night..


After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--

should be sleeping...

this is just going to be a jumble of shit.


i was playing some remix version of 'hurt' by nine inch nails in the department tonight and i was enjoying it because i'm a sad bastard.

i walk out of the room into the little hallway and notice a transporter is sitting there taking a break.
i say to him, sorry for playing sad music, dude.

he promptly says that its ok, it doesn't bother him.
i'm in an honest mood and i tell him that i watch people die all day so i feel sad at night sometimes.

he asks me if i was here earlier for the code blue and i reply that that's exactly what i was talking about.

he says that he was in there while they were doing CPR on him when they managed to get a pulse back, a weak one, but a pulse nonetheless.

he says that the man opened his eyes and tried to say something...

i imagine it was to his wife, whom i saw crying in the room.

the man opened his eyes for a brief last moment and then slipped away to whatever was calling him home. he never woke up again.

at this moment me and the transporter share a moment of deep understanding of human suffering and sorrow while trying to express that it's part of our jobs to witness this on a daily basis.

i take this time to walk out to do a portable and i can hear in the background as i walk out these words i hold so dear...

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

i'm afraid of death for many reasons, but a major one is losing yourself.

not ever being me again. 

my thoughts.

 my love.

my mind.

you.

i don't know what i would do without you.

 

sand castle plans

I asked my father if he wanted to go get donuts sometime
he said all I had to do was call him.


wanna do something sometime?

i had an interesting conversation the other night

     I said that everyone liked you.
you said that everyone except me.


I said nothing more after that.


I don't like you because of who you are. and who you'll never be.

you'll never be anything more than what you are and have always been.

I don't like you because you snorted lines off of my car, outside of your house with your friends.

because you get drunk and invite me over only to find you sitting on some other guys lap and going into back rooms with dudes so I have to go fish you out and make sure nothing happens to you, and making everyone in the house want you gone.

because you over do it and your own friends don't want to take care of you so I have to drive you home and leave you in front of your house and hope you don't die over night.

because I had to drive you to get drugs, so you could go to a party at your boyfriends house.

because you have no dreams.

and you're dumb as fuck.

you have a family, but you'd rather not have one.

because you crashed your car while driving drunk and probably on drugs as well.

because you don't really like me at all, you just want the attention from someone who isn't a fuck up like the guys you keep around you.

because you lie.

because you change into whoever you've been hanging out with lately, including their drugs of choice.

because I've watched you do more drugs than I've ever needed to.

because you're you.

that's why.

men

i believe it is important to have strong men in your life. this is what happened to the men in my life. 

My father became a drunken ass and made my mother's life miserable while I was thousands of miles away in japan, unable to come home. So I read e-mails, and listened to crying voices over the phone and carried that around with me while I pretended to be happy with my friends in the times that we had to be young and free. my mother eventually divorced him. My sister was the one to serve him the papers. He was in denial.

My Grandfather, worn down after years of rough living and drinking, gave in one day in February and died. The last time I saw him I was afraid that he didn't recognize me anymore. He was not old enough to be losing his memory. I never got to speak to him as a man, so forever I will be his little parakeet. I was still in Japan when all this happened. I never got to see where he was buried. I carried that around with me and told none of my friends. when I came home I got drunk instead. 

My step father began drinking and then got prostate cancer. He felt weak and started getting paranoid about my mom and where she was going. He would call my sister to make sure she was with my mother, and that they were at the place they said they would be. eventually my mother lost weight and began to look terrible. I'm not sure what exactly happened next because I was away. thousands of miles away. I do remember my mother calling me and trying not to cry so that I wouldn't be worried. there's no way to hide these things. Then they split up and Tim went back home to give up. Tim died far away from here in a manner that he didn't deserve. I never saw him again. 

 My Cousin was killed in the first battles of the new war in Iraq. I felt it before I called home to find out if it was true. Something told me that he wasn't here anymore. It's been eleven years and I never get better. I didn't drink when we hung out together in our youth. now I feel as though i'm trying to make up for it. I was thousands of miles away from where I have always wanted to be since he left. I understand what I have... but I would have given it all up to save him. i'm just not sure if he can handle being away from us, all alone. I hope he's not alone. I went outside to sit on that couch and stared out into the sky until I was allowed to come home for his burial. I don't remember much during that time I spent here. I usually remember everything. 

 I walk around with this in my mind and usually only talk about it when I get drunk. when someone asks about it, I just want to stop. 

I just want to be alone.

I have been alone during the most traumatic experiences of my life. It's no wonder that i'm always trying to leave, or be alone.