Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dont know much about history.

My cousin always used to say that "wonderful world" by sam cooke was his song. He would laugh his goofy laugh and sing in that voice he had... "dont know much about history, dont know much biology, dont know much about a science book, dont know much about the french i took" and we would both laugh.

my life has never been the same after march 23, 2003. although i didnt hear the news until the 25th i believe, i wrote something on the 23rd. its a poem i wrote because i felt something was wrong. i felt it. i was worried about my cousin and i told jennifer that i felt bad. but i knew it was something different. i could feel it.
my cousin and i might as well have been brothers. we were one year apart in age and almost born in the same month and time frame. he was 4 august 81, and i was 25 july 82. and although i remember my side of the story vividly, this isnt about me.

i have been struggling to write this for several years. to let everyone else know what happened to him. sometimes in my drunkenness i had let slip some details, but never a full story. i have collected books, word of mouth, an 800 page military report with the details blacked out still, written statements, pictures, and many little pieces because i thought it would make me feel better... if i knew. and it somewhat has. but nothing changes the outcome.

the following is a short version of the story. from what i know, what i've read in books, and all my reports and other findings. although some of the stories conflict, it is expected. its war. no one is clear headed then. i dont mean to offend anyone. i just need to get this out.

In this battle, the lack of good communications cut the marines throats. the plan was simple and it involved Alpha, Bravo and Charlie Companies and some tanks. but that didnt happen. what happened instead was a mess with enough blame to throw in every direction and still have enough left over to eat later. in the confusion the tanks that had been in the lead went around the city of An Nasiriyah as planned and immediately got stuck several feet deep in mud. the rest of the tanks had to go back down south to refuel after rescuing the army who had fucked up and went the wrong way and got mostly killed or captured. this meant that marching toward An Nasiriyah were three companies of track mounted marines. (the track being a thin skinned tracked vehicle used to transport marines and not intended for urban warfare) all in a line with no tanks in the lead. as they crossed the first bridge into the city the lead element (bravo co.) missed a turn and got stuck in a field of mud while taking fire from machine guns and rockets. alpha did as they were supposed to and secured the southern bridge. and Charlie co., the company my cousin was in, decided to push north through ambush alley (the main road determined to be the most dangerous place in the city to drive through) because they thought bravo had done the same. at the same time the lead element Bravo co. lost virtually all communications and was not able to relay position to the other companies. at this point all the companies were taking heavy fire.

the stage was set. Charlie co. was headed north to the canal bridge through ambush alley.
driving through ambush alley in their tracks the were receiving a massive amount of fire from what seemed to be all directions. iraqis were dressed as civilians, shooting out of windows and hiding again. even waving white flags then shooting immediately afterward from the same windows.
somewhere along the way 2nd Lt. Fred Pokorney got hit in the arm from what was later thought to be a ricochet from a bullet. he shook it off and kept fighting with the other marines.

Lt. Ben Reid was commander of track 208. snaking through enemy fire track 208 got hit with an RPG round, the marines inside awaited death with uncertainty. but the RPG didnt explode, instead it just got stuck in one of the packs that lined the outside of the tracks. the explosion never came.

it was observed that iraqis were putting AK's over balconies and firing sporadically and hiding again. the marines that were fighting back thanked god that the iraqis didnt seem to have any marksmanship at all. and the heavy fire continued. sometimes the rockets would explode close by, sometimes they wouldn't explode or wizz by their heads and fly off.

On their way through the city one of the tracks took a rocket to the wheel well and five marines inside were injured critically ( i believe this was track 211). as they reached the canal bridge track 201 realizes that Charlie co. was all alone. bravo had not been in front of them at all. but the marines would not lay down, through the heavy fire of machine guns, rockets and small arms the marines managed to push through to the northern bridge
the marines dismounted the tracks which were battered but still mostly working and took a defensive position near the canal bridge. as they returned fire the incoming fire was steadily increasing, including now machine guns, rockets, and mortars.
Lt. Reid exited the track and began setting up the mortars to suppress some of the fire coming from what seemed to be all directions. As the mortars started firing, 2nd Lt. Pokorney ran up to Lt. Reid and yelled that there was no communications to anyone else. Lt. Reid then told 2nd Lt. Pokorney to keep trying.

Corporal Jose Garibay was mortar squad leader..(something i did not know) and was directing fire to the west to try and stop the enemy fire which was still increasing in rate. Lt. Reid stood up at one point to get a better view of where the fire was coming from when 2nd Lt. Pokorney tackled him and yelled "you stupid fucker, you're going to get us all killed!" But the truth was that with no comm back to the heavy artillery the fire from the buildings would not stop. So Lt. Reid shouted to Cpl Garibay "pick up your shit and bring your crew. we're going to move your position sixty meters to the south!"

At this point no one knows charlie is up north. but the marines in the rear have become aware that there may be a mechanized unit north of the canal bridge. although high level command has ceased to exist because of the lack of comm, the small unit leadership is working. marines are fighting like they're suppose to. all the while the fire directed toward charlie company is intensifying. RPG's and machine guns are starting to inflict injuries to marines making the job of the navy corpsmen harder. at one point there isnt enough corpsmen to help all the injured marines.

The mortars coming from the buildings were getting closer.
to add to the confusion, track 211 which was hit coming through the city was still on fire and beginning to cook off live rounds that were inside of it. the marines wondered who was shooting at them until they discovered it was their own equipment.

Then Lt. Reid moved the mortars to the canal bridge while incoming fire was steadily increasing in accuracy. An RPG whizzed over his head and exploded 100 meters behind him. then 2nd Lt. Pokorney ran to tell Lt. Reid that he was able to get through to call artillery. Lt. Ried said he knew he could do it. 2nd Lt. Pokorney ran back to his position with the other marines.

Just then there was a tremendous explosion behind Lt. Reid. as the dust cleared he notices his arm isnt missing as he thought, but broken badly. Cpl Jorge Gonzalez then said to Lt. Reid, "thats too bad sir".. from his tone Lt. Reid could tell things were terribly wrong. immediately after, Cpl Garibay relayed to Lt. Reid, "Sir, Buesing is dead." Then he looked right and saw 2nd Lt. Pokorney on the floor next to Staff Sergeant Jordan. Jordan had been the marine that all the other marines looked up to. Lt. Reid then ran to 2nd Lt. Pokorney and turned him over to see his facial structure shattered, and his body crumpled. he looked again at Buesing and went completely numb.

Lt. Reid then turned to Garibay who was standing right beside him, staring at him with the biggest eyes hes ever seen, alive, but also injured, and said "you keep everyone here. im going to get help!" He ran about 20 meters then got hit again, although he didnt know it at the time. He was laying face down in the dirt, and his eye wouldnt open. As he lay there a million thoughts raced through his mind, he wondered what to do... to just die? is this how it happened? or try and get up? For some reason he got up. seeing a track with his one good eye he ran for it. he crawled into the track and told the marines that they needed to evacuate casualties. and to get up on the guns and kill everything in sight. probably in a bit more colorful language than that.

At the same time the company commander for Charlie Company saw the bodies of four Marines, they had been killed instantly; SSgt Philip Jordan, Cpl Jorge Gonzalez, 2nd Lt. Fred Pokorney, Lcpl Brian Buesing. As the casualties mounted, there was nowhere to take them. No helicopters could land because of all the fire being taken, and no one could call in for air support because it wasnt clear where the other companies were located.
Earlier in the deployment a new kind of air support had been authorized where the forward air controller (FAC) gave the aircraft a geographical area to cover without seeing the enemy himself. So it was up to the pilots to decide what was enemy or not, and A-10's had a notorious past of killing friendlies.
The FAC was able to call in to the aircraft to go to the north to clear out was was thought to be a mechanized unit coming in to the city to attack the marines. unfortunately to FAC was in the south and didnt know the location of Charlie company. and he relayed to the aircraft, the A-10's to engage the enemy north of the city. through all the confusion the A-10's misidentified Charlies companies tracks as enemy vehicles seeing as they were Air Force and hadn't received training on Marine vehicles. at the same time the FAC thought they were looking at a completely different area. seeing as no one was supposed to be that far north the FAC told the pilots no friendlies were up there, even though he had no confirmation on that.

On the ground, the commander of track 201, thinking he was the only one left in charge, yelled for everyone to get back in the tracks. track 201 was being loaded with wounded. among the chaos the A-10's were starting to circle over head. on the ground, confused marines were getting into the wrong tracks. this caused leaders to lose track of who was alive and who wasnt.

Lt. Reid managed to get back to the mortars' position. Garibay hadn't moved, like he ordered. He was moaning and groaning from his injuries. Lt. Reid didn't stop to find out what was wrong with him. Instead he said "there will be a track coming over. you need to get these guys loaded up. i don't care how much it hurts. if i don't make it back to here, you need to get out of here and find the Battalion Aid Station and get these guys help. i am going to grab some guys to help us out." Then Lt. Reid went to get more marines while fire erupted all around him. He didn't notice it anymore. Lt. Reid stumbled to the ground and asked GySgt Blackwell, "is my eyeball still in my head?" He replied, "i think its still in there. you look good."
GySgt Blackwell then said, "there's an A-10 here now"
Lt. Reid replied, "that's good, we need help"
Blackwell answered, " no its not. the A-10 is fucking coming at us!"

With no way to talk to the Battalion Commander, the FAC had authorized air support. the pilots thought the FAC could see the targets and engaged. Lt. Reid watched as rounds began to tear into the tracks. the tracks where Garibay was loading the wounded, even though he was also wounded. The A-10's continued to strafe the marines and the tracks with their canons killing Lcpl Fribley, nearly cutting him in half. the A-10's still thinking that they are killing the enemy and helping the marines in the city fire munitions at track 203 killing Cpl Rosacker. Rounds continued to rain on the marines as they ran for cover confused and horrified. Some marines tried to signal the planes to stop, but nothing was working. at this time there was so much enemy fire and fire from the A-10's that it was impossible to tell them apart.

finally someone was able to get through to the Battalion Commander to call off the planes. "for gods sake sir, get them to stop!"

The Battalion Commander couldnt grasp the impact of what he had heard. how could there be A-10's firing on our own marines? he called them off.

Track 201 saw the others trying to escape the incoming fire so they loaded the dead and wounded up and ran a U.S. flag up the turret to try and signal the A-10's. from somewhere the call went out to leave back south. track 208 carrying the mortar crew took off, track 201 took off after them. several other tracks took off down the road still taking heavy enemy fire and still being tracked down by the planes.
then the A-10's spotted the Medevac convoy heading south. at this time they planes started shooting maverick missiles at the convoy carrying injured marines.
the driver of track 208 (Cpl Elliot) had been injured earlier by shrapnel to the neck but was still driving south with eleven Marines in his track.
Cpl Kemaphoom Chanawongse
Lcpl Noel Trevino
Cpl Jose Garibay
Cpl Donald Cline Jr
Cpl Patrick Nixon
Pfc Nolen Hutchings
Pfc Tamario Burkett
Pvt Jonathan Gifford
Sgt. Brendon Reiss
Lcpl Thomas Blair
Lcpl Michael Williams

Out of nowhere a blast lifted the track into the air and filled it with black smoke. 208's driver gained bearing and then yelled, "everybody, get out. get out. get out of the track!" he then got out with much of the back of his leg missing and yelled to the nine marines riding in the troop compartment to get out. Trevino exited the other side of the track. Cpl Elliot didn't realize that all the marines in the troop compartment had been blown apart by the blast.

The driver of 201 saw a white flash shoot into 208's cargo hatch followed by a huge explosion. the track then jumped several feet into the air as pieces of flesh flew out into the road and blood splattered his vision block (the window from where they see out of to steer) turning the glass red. nobody could survive that he thought.

The A-10's knew nothing of what they had done. they thought they were doing a good job in fact.

Trying to avoid the blown out carcass of track 208, track 201 tried to steer and noticed they had lost steering. as everyone was trying to get out of a disabled 201, one of the A-10's noticed he still had one maverick left and locked onto another vehicle and began its final approach. then, just as he was about to release the missile. the radio crackled... "cease fire, cease fire, cease fire!"
"we think we might have had blue on blue. some guys might be up north at the canal. but we're not sure" the pilot couldnt believe what he was hearing. He thought the FAC had confirmed them as enemies.

Lt. Reid had escaped the A-10 fire and had made his way back to the mortar squads position. He couldnt see Cpl Garibay or the other wounded. "thats good. they've gotten out of here"


there is a lot more after and before and even during that has been left out. i only relayed the main parts. but my cousin, Jose Angel Garibay, i called him Angel (in spanish) didn't make it passed that battle. in the reports i read it was determined to be impossible to tell what had causes the deaths of the marines. since the amount of fire had been so severe, coupled with the friendly fire from the A-10's. i guess its hard for the government to admit that we killed our own guys.
Angel was injured, loaded up wounded, followed orders, and met the end in a foreign country. far away from his family. from his home. i always wonder what he was thinking. did he think of me? he had always wanted to be a badass... and here he had his chance. i wish for everything in the world that i could have saved him. i carry the pain with me everywhere i go, and everything reminds me of the life we had.
he was twenty one.
and forever will be the same age.
compared to what he saw, i went on a camping trip in the desert.

my uncle was the only one to see him when he finally came home.
one night he was telling everyone... you didn't see what i saw. you didn't see it!! he said... the body was burned and in pieces.

him and i had no place in the marines... but off we went. theres not one day that i dont think of him.
i dream about him. and he tells me he's ok. when i wake up, i find myself missing life.
its 2 am and tomorrow morning i will be going to the cemetery to visit him on his anniversary. its supposed to rain.
i will be going anyways. he'd do the same for me.
if it was the other way around... and i had died. i dont think he could have lived.
but what am i saying. i havent lived since march 23, 2003. my mothers birthday. the day i came home from iraq. the day you died.
i miss you severely. and i really dont know what im doing anymore. sometimes i think im alright. and other times im crying in my car so no one can see me. i wish you'd come home already. ive been waiting to tell you my stories. come home already. i miss you.
.Angel.








The track my cousin was riding in.




Another view of the same track.




Praying over remains




Evacuating the dead and wounded.




Lt. Reid




Jose Garibay and his 60mm mortar tube



A letter to my father.




Me on the left, Angel on the right and his mother in the middle.





High School football.

Monday, January 10, 2011

call me immature male.

i dont live in the same world as you.

i have made my world from logic laced with dreams. a little imagination and a shit ton of cynicism.

now pass me that gun.




"i wish shelby wasnt dead in a freezer right now" she said to me.

and i didnt know what to say.

i wish lots of things.

i wish doug wasnt laying in a coffin only miles from his house. i wish angel was alive. i wish we were all together. and i wish shelby wasnt dead in a freezer.

but i have no idea how to say it.

you called me this morning. several times. and when i saw the missed calls i figured it was something bad.

when i answered, you told me your dog had died.

and even though it's not something we want... i was glad nothing was seriously wrong.
i was ironing my shirt for work at seven AM. i was busy going to work.

ignoring the fact that you hurt.

i left and tried not to think about it.

not because i have no feelings. it's actually the exact opposite.

i dont know how to handle my emotions. so when it comes to something like this its better not to say anything sometimes. better than making an ass out of myself... even though im so good at it.

circumstance gets in the way of life, and when we want to see it again... from behind the bullet proof glass, speaking through the two way phone... we only have a brief time and then we're done.

i have never owned a pet until a few years ago. and shes not even mine. so i dont understand how it goes.

there is a closeness i will never understand.. and it spreads into my life further than just dogs.

i have no idea what im saying.

but i wish for you. that shelby wasnt dead in a freezer either.

thats no place for a memory.

Photobucket

Thursday, September 9, 2010

the day i almost died.

last night i had a lesson with a girl who was terrified of driving.

so i spent two hours assuring her that driving is nothing to be afraid of and that she should not move to new york for college so she doesnt have to drive anywhere.


after i dropped her off, i drove to the gas station to fill up the company car before i took it back to the office.


on my way home i was driving in the left lane of two lanes. when i noticed a cars headlights swerve into my lane ahead.

then everything slowed down.

i figured he was just going to turn into the driveway eventually.

little did i know... this wasn't meant to be.

as i drove forward i noticed that the car which was now driving directly at me in my own lane, wasn't going to move.

as he came closer i started honking the horn and slowing down since we were both going about 40 mph. finally at the last possible chance i swerved to the right and managed to avoid this idiot who nearly hit me head on.

the only reason i was able to swerve is because when the light turns green i like to get to the speed limit in a spirited manner. this made it so no one was on my right when i needed to swerve.

so i get the fuck out of the way and immediately look in my rearview for this dickface.

i then proceed to pull a hand brake turn in the middle of the street to go find this guy.
i wanted to pull him out of his car by his hair and punch his face off.

i skidded around a full 180 degrees and took of going 60 mph down this road trying to catch up to this guy. and i'm sure he saw me whip around, the same way all the cars behind me saw me.

as i chased him down the street i was almost gonna pull close enough to see what kind of car it was when the light turned red.

this ended my quest to end his life.


i drove around the block a few times but i didnt see the car anymore.

on my way back home i noticed a lot of cop cars circling the area. but i never saw the other car again.

the funny thing is as all this was happening. and it happened in a matter of seconds...

nothing flashed before my eyes.

nothing.

i was almost disappointed.


i did however remember my dreams i've been having since i was a kid about getting into a head on collision in a white car. the company car is white. it kinda freaked me out.

but no life reel playing before my eyes. maybe that happens only when youre really gonna die.
not when some dickface scares the shit out of you.

however, i do remember the 1st thing i thought about was my daughter.

so i went to go see her immediately after this.

still shaking and scared of my own shadow on the street, i arrived and had a strawberry shake.

later that night i put her to sleep.

something i had not done in ages.

i just want everyone to know something.

if i ever die in a car wreck. something went terribly wrong.

cause im a mutha fuckin great driver.


(im sorry this isnt a very good post, i feel like shit right now and am very hungry)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Konstantine

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
And you tell me that its over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you're restless
and i'm naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shakin
no
could u let me go?
i didnt think so
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that your alone, oh
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and i had these dreams in them i learn to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone, oh
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
but we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long, blond, hair
and ive been thinking
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers' arms
and why i had to try it
its to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
i'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you
i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cause these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my living room
but we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live

my konstantine...

07_29_10

*there will always be more time, to live.


*how wrong i've been.
i want to possess, but not be owned.
i want to be warm in my bed, next
to somebody, and know that you are
cold.
i want to believe what i do,
and not have my mind changed
by you.
i want you to lie, so i can
let go. even if it hurts.
i've been looking for flaws and
i have found none. i retrace
our motions and find only me...
slightly damp from panic, stricken
still with regret.
i believe that you are for me...
our connection is strong. but i
can't communicate to you what
i've known has been wrong.
and it breaks my will.
silence plays like a song.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

a place for you in my heart.

as i was walking to mcdonalds this afternoon.

i noticed that out in the street there was a car sticking out of a driveway, blocking one lane of traffic.

and i stopped to watch because the oncoming traffic had just started their approach.

i stood on a brick border to get a better view and watched as the man refused to back up where he came

from, but instead stayed out in the lane... and made everyone stop for him. and he wasnt happy there... not

until he made the whole street stop and honk just so he could drive across the street into the target

parking lot.

i smiled and went on my way.


i walk into mcdonalds and i order my usual from a nice female employee that happens to know me, because i

live off of mcdonalds. and she asks...

"how come you're by yourself today?"

i reply, "im just lonely today."

as im getting my soda cup and paying. an older man comes up to the counter and says..

"hey lady, how come my burger isnt out yet?"

and i laugh, apparently they know eachother also.

i wasnt in the mood to talk.

me hungry.

me no care.

i go and get my soda and this man follows me to get his drink.

he stand so close to me i can feel his arm touching mine and then he speaks.


he says, "you know nicole?"

i think a minute and then realize what hes asking... and i reply.

"ha, oh yeah, i come here a lot. she knows me. thats why she asked me why i was here by myself"

he says, "yeah i heard that, thats why i figured you knew her"

then, as the bright smile and matching eyes slowly turned inward on his face, he said.

"sad thing is, im alone now too."

and i felt it coming.

i knew what was coming... and i dont remember if i asked him why, or if i just put the lid on my soda.

then he let it go.

"i lost my wife last month"

i said nothing.






i walked back from mcdonalds and put on some tracy chapman.



"if you ...wait for me... then i'll... come for you."

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

i had a feeling i could be someone.

i have never felt like i have been anyone in my entire life.

me myself, i have nothing to prove.


i'm looking for that one act of redemption where i change something and leave it so no one can take it back.

...to save you.
whoever you are.

i mean nothing to myself. but i will do everything in my power to make things happen for others.



i had a feeling that i belonged one time. that i could be someone.

but it faded away all one spring and the rays of the sun have never been the same to me.

no one understands.

i had a feeling i could be someone.