the things we do

I went out to take some pictures last night.

 

 

 

 

(click for larger sizes)



Taps

     my mother once told me that she gets a lump in her throat when she hears Taps.
when i hear it, i remember being in boot camp in san diego. Taps would play every night over the loud speaker on the camp and that signaled lights out for the night. For us, however, it signaled that the fireworks from sea world were about to start.
     we would sit up in our bunks and look out the window while the fireworks blazed in the cool night sky. it was our connection to the outside world we were no longer a part of. we were kids again.
     that's what i think about when i hear Taps.
    
    

a little bit of Prufrock

[Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question. . .                               
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit. ]



 ... but this isn't you and i.
there was a glimmer once.
and it evaporated into the place where old tears go to feel alone.


someone died, i stopped taking my medication, and i drank until i was not within reason.
 there is no middle ground for me in these cases. either i am a complete wreck, or i shrug it off quietly and try to support others.



i spoke with a blackened remnant of a friend this week, and i knew we had died.
it was all over our faces. 

i tried to speak with a troubled friend. but i got no reply.

i thought about what i did...

i thought about you.

i thought about giving up.


i miss something that was a fleeting warmth in an otherwise frozen life.

"... and i hope we die at the same damn time
cuz I don't want to grow to be alone"

you don't know me, and you don't even care.

we are presenting one side of ourselves while hiding the fading truth in the palm of our hands.
but no one will reach out.

if you let me.

if you let me, i will pick that note from out of the trash and make it worth something again.

before we lose ourselves for certain and our stars fade into the darkness from where they came.

i would like to see you smile.

i won't tell anyone.

     i promise.

it gets cold sometimes

i am trying.

it seems like i am making no progress, and it ruins my thoughts

but i am trying.


maybe tomorrow will be better. can i call you then?

sewn into the lining of my jacket

Bad news is an interesting thing.

i feel like i'm always preparing for bad news.

well, bad news came today. and i wasn't ready for it at all. 
not even a little.

i was at school, i was with friends, i was driving home, i was taking a nap.

now all i can do is think of you.



I'm Sorry.

i died today.

 

 i drove to the pier.

and walked a bit.

 

the same pier where i spent all those summer nights with my old friend and 

the girls we met along the way. 

i thought about you.

 

 i jumped a fence at the far end of the pier with a big warning sign.

i walked over the water to the edge and i sat not far from the water.

i didn't fear the height anymore.

 

 i sat outside the park.

the same park where we spent many years riding those old fair rides and 

dreaming that maybe these times would stay forever.

 

 i sat down and had a beer.

then i had half a bottle of tequila.

alone.

in the background some song played

 and i wished it was a different one.

 

when i stumbled upstairs

 i dusted off my old uniform.

i never wore this for anything good.

 

 i tried it on and was surprised that it still fit.

i never updated my rank.

not after you died.

 

i looked at all the pills i needed now to function.

to make me into someone that can smile when others did.

 

then i took them all at once.

 

a small part of me wanted to come back.

but it was too late.

i died in the bathroom by myself.

two days before, i had been at my niece's birthday party.

no one knew anything was wrong.

look for me when i'm gone...

forever