i died today.

 

 i drove to the pier.

and walked a bit.

 

the same pier where i spent all those summer nights with my old friend and 

the girls we met along the way. 

i thought about you.

 

 i jumped a fence at the far end of the pier with a big warning sign.

i walked over the water to the edge and i sat not far from the water.

i didn't fear the height anymore.

 

 i sat outside the park.

the same park where we spent many years riding those old fair rides and 

dreaming that maybe these times would stay forever.

 

 i sat down and had a beer.

then i had half a bottle of tequila.

alone.

in the background some song played

 and i wished it was a different one.

 

when i stumbled upstairs

 i dusted off my old uniform.

i never wore this for anything good.

 

 i tried it on and was surprised that it still fit.

i never updated my rank.

not after you died.

 

i looked at all the pills i needed now to function.

to make me into someone that can smile when others did.

 

then i took them all at once.

 

a small part of me wanted to come back.

but it was too late.

i died in the bathroom by myself.

two days before, i had been at my niece's birthday party.

no one knew anything was wrong.

look for me when i'm gone...

forever

an unfinished song idea

Sometimes i go out by myself, and i look across the water...

       when I was in high school I was in love with this girl named Valerie for a heart beat or two.
She was a real tomboy-looking girl with this pretty face that didn't really match anything else about her.

      I remember her in the kind of tight black pants that are cool in present times (except they weren't see through back then) and wearing some big ass skater shoes that matched her ears, which always stuck out through her hair.

      she had this scratchy voice like Emma Stone, Jennifer Tilly, or Eliza Dushku, and I had always been a fan of that, even in my high school times. I remember just wanting to listen to her talk, even if it wasn't to me.

      I remember one time a few of us were standing in the commons or whatever it was called where everyone hung out during lunch. we had this little are surrounded by some lockers that opened up on the third side to accommodate a table for some of us to sit. I usually stood.
      I remember it was around the time that kids figured out you could turn a can of keyboard cleaner upside down and suck on it to "get high". This day I was watching our small group pass around this can when it came to Valerie. She grabbed it, turned it upside down and sucked in a giant breath of propellant. I remember the next part even now, over ten years later.
      She moved the can away from her lips, turned pale, and fell to the floor in what was called "flopping" back then (since you looked like a freshly caught fish when it happened) because it happened so much that it acquired a proper name.
      When the other kids standing around us saw what happened, they left. They took off like they didn't want to get caught or be responsible for what had happened, or because they were turds down inside. And I was left standing there with a girl passed out at my feet who I had a crush on.
      I quickly picked her up and sat her on one of the now empty chairs all around us. As I pushed some dark hair out of her face she asked me what happened. I told her that she had passed out from inhaling that shit and she looked up at me, embarrassed. that kind of embarrassment that comes after you did something you know was stupid in front of other people.
      After a while she was well enough to get up and go back to class eventually.

I'd like to say that we became friends and talked more often after that, but we didn't. I liked her and I wanted to save her, and when I had my chance, I picked her up and sent her away.

All I have left of that time now is a terrible yearbook photo and a red backpack just like the one I used throughout high school.

But I still remember her sometimes, barely as tall as my chest, hair in a sloppy pony tail, raspy voice laughing at something a bit harder than everyone else around her.

     That was Valerie.

everyone is guilty

this is for the people who don't read this anymore. it makes sense.

more old shit

thinking about our younger years... there was nothing else.
it was you, me, and a world against us. or so we thought.
i remember the fights.. and tears.. and words i said..
but i don't have to.
and although we aren't friends anymore... it doesn't matter.
this is what it takes to get to where we are supposed to be.
there's a price to pay for everything.
and even though the blame lies with me...
sometimes i miss your electric blue eyes.
if the eyes are the windows to the soul.. i'm afraid i had been staring at a wall the whole time.
love doesn't go away.. it just goes somewhere else.
love is energy... and you cannot create or destroy energy.
our love is in the memories we have made, and the letters, and pictures.. and old kisses, and touches. all neatly placed in a box and hidden away somewhere.
 this isn't hard to see.


but you actually have to think about it.
and although i wouldn't go back to that time... i wouldn't change it either.

(end with a quote)
      "god only knows what i'd be without you"

going through some old shit. maybe you've seen it before.

she's a girl, who made me ashamed of my torn pants, a girl i crank called. when she
reached her hand to me i just turned her down.

she's a girl, who was moving faster than i wanted to. once i got her, i didnt know what to
do with her. she lasted shorter than i meant her to.

she's a girl, who played violin, and could never make up her mind. she never let me kiss
her, someone else did instead. i used to write for her.

she's a girl, who was a man's initials. she held my arm and walked me down the hall. i
remember her face like an eternally setting sun.

she's a girl, who was lost and tried to find her way back with her body. i lied to her
about mine. we never kissed. but she more than kissed my friend.

she's a girl, who was a friend, to another girl. she stole my 1st kiss. along with my
1st touch, and cried when i left.

she's a girl, with buckles on her shoes, who sat with me on tower 6, and waited till i was
ready. i stole her 1st time. she held me up when i needed her most... and then never
returned.

she's a girl, who was a hoodrat. she said i was fine, and gave me her picture.
i was so shy, i couldnt let her in.

she's a girl, who i laughed at, and played with her hair. she made my friends
jealous... and sent me cookies while I was in bootcamp. we laid on her carpet, and painted everything blue. when i went away... so did she.

she's a girl who saw me at a poetry reading, and caught me in the hall. she kissed me in
that same hall, and loved me from far. she was a terrible friend. but always wrote to me
when i needed her most.

she's a girl who wore glasses, and had straight dark black hair. she wanted her
boyfriend to be more like me. but she didnt want me.

she's a girl, who was my friends girl. she came with me to vegas, we slept in he same bed.
i was her addiction. when the habit was over, all i had was my guitar.

she's a girl who gave herself away to everyone but me. we traded books and memories. i
played her my guitar. she kissed me when i was drunk.

she's a girl who liked the beatles, and played the piano. i asked her to be mine...
but i wasnt hers. mixing anger and longing, we shared a cigarette, and a subconscious
goodbye.

she's a girl, who was my sisters friend. i saw her when i came down the stairs, and
time settled there.  when the truth became evident, neither heart was spared.

she's a girl i met in a different state. she let me sleep in her bed. Makers bar was
our hideout, till i got in that car.

she's a girl who i met twice, both times in different states. she kissed my face in a
bar.. a year later we met again. strangers asked if we were married. i took a cab
home from her hotel, and we never spoke again.

she's a girl who came slowly, but the wind took her away. i was dressed as a bunny, she
was dressed as a myth. i had no way to see her, and she fluttered away.

she's a girl who i met online, under the guise of intelligence. she was drunk when it
happened, then she shit on my dreams. she let me go with a letter... left on my pillow
like a mint.

she's a girl who i ruined, with my rough heavy hands. we were living in secrets. she
took me to my dreams, and i turned away to be alone.

she's a girl who i saw through. when i told her she laughed, on the inside she cried.
we were happy one season, when the time changed we died.

she's a girl who i noticed, from across the room. we had almost been meeting, but the time
wasnt right. i asked her to save me. maybe i was asking the truth. pumpkins on that warm
blanket, i was still cold inside.






 

something old and faded

rain on your windows
thoughts leading dreams
cobalt and fading
eyes glittering

crimson creators
seductively curve
static attraction
recharge and burn

resting on pale silk
shocks of rose red
all things seductive
blind in the end

sunset caresses
playing like streams
undamaged landscapes
senses release

cobalt and fading
eyes beckoning
rain on souls windows
thoughts leading dreams