the day i almost died.

last night i had a lesson with a girl who was terrified of driving.

so i spent two hours assuring her that driving is nothing to be afraid of and that she should not move to new york for college so she doesnt have to drive anywhere.


after i dropped her off, i drove to the gas station to fill up the company car before i took it back to the office.


on my way home i was driving in the left lane of two lanes. when i noticed a cars headlights swerve into my lane ahead.

then everything slowed down.

i figured he was just going to turn into the driveway eventually.

little did i know... this wasn't meant to be.

as i drove forward i noticed that the car which was now driving directly at me in my own lane, wasn't going to move.

as he came closer i started honking the horn and slowing down since we were both going about 40 mph. finally at the last possible chance i swerved to the right and managed to avoid this idiot who nearly hit me head on.

the only reason i was able to swerve is because when the light turns green i like to get to the speed limit in a spirited manner. this made it so no one was on my right when i needed to swerve.

so i get the fuck out of the way and immediately look in my rearview for this dickface.

i then proceed to pull a hand brake turn in the middle of the street to go find this guy.
i wanted to pull him out of his car by his hair and punch his face off.

i skidded around a full 180 degrees and took of going 60 mph down this road trying to catch up to this guy. and i'm sure he saw me whip around, the same way all the cars behind me saw me.

as i chased him down the street i was almost gonna pull close enough to see what kind of car it was when the light turned red.

this ended my quest to end his life.


i drove around the block a few times but i didnt see the car anymore.

on my way back home i noticed a lot of cop cars circling the area. but i never saw the other car again.

the funny thing is as all this was happening. and it happened in a matter of seconds...

nothing flashed before my eyes.

nothing.

i was almost disappointed.


i did however remember my dreams i've been having since i was a kid about getting into a head on collision in a white car. the company car is white. it kinda freaked me out.

but no life reel playing before my eyes. maybe that happens only when youre really gonna die.
not when some dickface scares the shit out of you.

however, i do remember the 1st thing i thought about was my daughter.

so i went to go see her immediately after this.

still shaking and scared of my own shadow on the street, i arrived and had a strawberry shake.

later that night i put her to sleep.

something i had not done in ages.

i just want everyone to know something.

if i ever die in a car wreck. something went terribly wrong.

cause im a mutha fuckin great driver.


(im sorry this isnt a very good post, i feel like shit right now and am very hungry)

Konstantine

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
And you tell me that its over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you're restless
and i'm naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shakin
no
could u let me go?
i didnt think so
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that your alone, oh
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and i had these dreams in them i learn to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone, oh
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
but we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long, blond, hair
and ive been thinking
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers' arms
and why i had to try it
its to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
i'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you
i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cause these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my living room
but we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live

my konstantine...

07_29_10

*there will always be more time, to live.


*how wrong i've been.
i want to possess, but not be owned.
i want to be warm in my bed, next
to somebody, and know that you are
cold.
i want to believe what i do,
and not have my mind changed
by you.
i want you to lie, so i can
let go. even if it hurts.
i've been looking for flaws and
i have found none. i retrace
our motions and find only me...
slightly damp from panic, stricken
still with regret.
i believe that you are for me...
our connection is strong. but i
can't communicate to you what
i've known has been wrong.
and it breaks my will.
silence plays like a song.

a place for you in my heart.

as i was walking to mcdonalds this afternoon.

i noticed that out in the street there was a car sticking out of a driveway, blocking one lane of traffic.

and i stopped to watch because the oncoming traffic had just started their approach.

i stood on a brick border to get a better view and watched as the man refused to back up where he came

from, but instead stayed out in the lane... and made everyone stop for him. and he wasnt happy there... not

until he made the whole street stop and honk just so he could drive across the street into the target

parking lot.

i smiled and went on my way.


i walk into mcdonalds and i order my usual from a nice female employee that happens to know me, because i

live off of mcdonalds. and she asks...

"how come you're by yourself today?"

i reply, "im just lonely today."

as im getting my soda cup and paying. an older man comes up to the counter and says..

"hey lady, how come my burger isnt out yet?"

and i laugh, apparently they know eachother also.

i wasnt in the mood to talk.

me hungry.

me no care.

i go and get my soda and this man follows me to get his drink.

he stand so close to me i can feel his arm touching mine and then he speaks.


he says, "you know nicole?"

i think a minute and then realize what hes asking... and i reply.

"ha, oh yeah, i come here a lot. she knows me. thats why she asked me why i was here by myself"

he says, "yeah i heard that, thats why i figured you knew her"

then, as the bright smile and matching eyes slowly turned inward on his face, he said.

"sad thing is, im alone now too."

and i felt it coming.

i knew what was coming... and i dont remember if i asked him why, or if i just put the lid on my soda.

then he let it go.

"i lost my wife last month"

i said nothing.






i walked back from mcdonalds and put on some tracy chapman.



"if you ...wait for me... then i'll... come for you."

i had a feeling i could be someone.

i have never felt like i have been anyone in my entire life.

me myself, i have nothing to prove.


i'm looking for that one act of redemption where i change something and leave it so no one can take it back.

...to save you.
whoever you are.

i mean nothing to myself. but i will do everything in my power to make things happen for others.



i had a feeling that i belonged one time. that i could be someone.

but it faded away all one spring and the rays of the sun have never been the same to me.

no one understands.

i had a feeling i could be someone.

sometimes

sometimes you have to wreck something new, to save something old.