Jackson Recording Studios. founded 2013
"you will be mine..."
"Jackson was a man, a man, a man... "
Fireball before doing some vocals. haha... and what a vocal session it was.
good ole liquid courage.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
jackson was a man.
some nights i wouldnt trade for anything in the world. tonight is one of those nights.
Jackson Recording Studios. founded 2013
Jackson Recording Studios. founded 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
are you at one, or do you lie
we went out last night for a walk on the pier
this is what I found.
(click pictures to see full size)
leaving
coming
the view to the south
if you wait long enough, the ocean becomes
a flat sheet.
"when I was a kid, the world was in fucking black
and white... none of this fancy color shit you kids are used to!"
i'm still learning my cursive
...iissss gayyy
"fucking black and white!"
according to mine heart
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
on a tiny blue star
there is a place....
i was outside smoking, among the mountains and the sheer silence that comes from being away from the city.
you'll have to excuse me if this seems disjointed but i just shared a bottle of wine and a six pack of stella with a friend.
but i remember being in Monterey, with my love. we were eating in a fancy restaurant.
we had the full course. there were appetizers, and main courses, desserts, and wine, lots of wine.
and i remember looking up at her. her beautiful face. the last face i would ever hold in my hands and try to explain how much she meant to me.
i was sitting across from her at the table and i felt something strange.
i felt a giddyness.
this was dinner.
i felt like we were kids that had just shared a kiss far away from the prying eyes of parents or friends... and we realized that love was more than showing it to every one else.
i asked her, do you feel it?
it was the feeling of being in love. the feeling of sharing love with someone. the lack of loneliness.
we looked at each other for a brief second and admitted that we both had the same tingles running up the back of our necks, that we were both sure had originated somewhere in the middle of our hearts and raced out like the words we just couldn't say for fear of ruining the perfect moment.
i was hers and she was mine.
for all of time.
i was on another earth, for a minute. where we were alone and no one else's opinion had an impact on our fragile imaginations.
i shared an infinite feeling for one brief time with my love.
and i will never forget it.
she said that she felt it too.
and that was enough for me.
i was outside smoking, among the mountains and the sheer silence that comes from being away from the city.
you'll have to excuse me if this seems disjointed but i just shared a bottle of wine and a six pack of stella with a friend.
but i remember being in Monterey, with my love. we were eating in a fancy restaurant.
we had the full course. there were appetizers, and main courses, desserts, and wine, lots of wine.
and i remember looking up at her. her beautiful face. the last face i would ever hold in my hands and try to explain how much she meant to me.
i was sitting across from her at the table and i felt something strange.
i felt a giddyness.
this was dinner.
i felt like we were kids that had just shared a kiss far away from the prying eyes of parents or friends... and we realized that love was more than showing it to every one else.
i asked her, do you feel it?
it was the feeling of being in love. the feeling of sharing love with someone. the lack of loneliness.
we looked at each other for a brief second and admitted that we both had the same tingles running up the back of our necks, that we were both sure had originated somewhere in the middle of our hearts and raced out like the words we just couldn't say for fear of ruining the perfect moment.
i was hers and she was mine.
for all of time.
i was on another earth, for a minute. where we were alone and no one else's opinion had an impact on our fragile imaginations.
i shared an infinite feeling for one brief time with my love.
and i will never forget it.
she said that she felt it too.
and that was enough for me.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
it's not, but it can be
i watched an awesome show today and that's the inspiration for the title...
but here's something i just wrote. it's only a line, but i liked it.
but here's something i just wrote. it's only a line, but i liked it.
i remember because i care.
i love you like a kid loves their youth
i won't know why until it's too late.
Monday, July 22, 2013
my lighter and me
this is some new shit I was working on today. it's not close to being done, but I decided to share it anyway.
i'm tired
i'm tired of losing you
in whatever form you take
i'm tired of being myself
and, I don't want to need you
I just can't get you out of my viens...
Friday, July 19, 2013
i think i thought too much last life
i called (texted) around last night, but no one was available.
so i took my camera and went off into the night
to see where it would take me.
i left partly to drive around, well mostly to drive around.
and partly to bring back some proof that i had been somewhere.
i feel it in my bones.
i parked and put on my sweater, the black sparkly one.
i grabbed my camera and slowly walked out to the end of the pier.
when i was walking out to the end of the pier i thought to myself...
when i have my camera in my hand i don't feel strange being out in public by myself.
i don't need to talk to anyone.
i can't do it alone.
when i got there i looked around for a good picture and set up.
i took several long exposures
and the time drifted slowly by
like the moon does on a warm summer night, without much notice.
wisdom is a gift, but you trade it for youth
the breeze blew and the fishermen fished,
the moon stood it's lonely watch
and all around me
people were out on the shores under the slight cover of night
some shared embraces which they thought only they were sharing
some stood alone under the glow of a lamp and stared out into the sea
looking for an end to the train of thoughts that a night like this brings.
we saw the stars when they hid from the world
after enough thoughts had passed i grabbed my stuff and walked
about halfway down i stopped to take pictures of the tower on the sand.
i have a certain affinity for lifeguard towers.
ever since we spent a night out on #6 all those years ago.
as i was taking my exposures i noticed a light flashing in the distance
earlier i thought it was signaling me, but i must have been crazy.
but now i was sure.
so i got out my phone and turned on the flashlight feature.
the light doesn't exactly flash, so i would cover it with my finger to simulate flashing
and in the distance, near the tower, the other light replied.
(it reminded me of when i was in okinawa and the hurricanes
would knock out the power to the barracks.
one night i remember getting out my flashlight to screw around with.
i flashed it at the barracks across the parking lot from us.
after some time we got a reply.
and we went back and forth like that until almost every window
in the barracks was sending signals through the dark stormy night.)
i can still see them huddled on astor
when the other light started signaling back to me
i found myself smiling and even laughing a bit to myself
out in the ocean breeze
then i decided to stop before i looked like a weirdo.
so i walked back to my car and waited a bit for my window to defrost.
the truth is she doesn't need me to protect her
i turned on the music.
loud.
and i drove in the opposite direction of home.
a bit tired, but i still had promises to keep
and miles to go before i slept.
(click the picture to see them full size.)
the city of long beach with a rainbow arc in the sky
a wider view of the coast
the houses and shore of seal beach
the city looked like it was burning from where i was
turning the camera to face a crowded pier makes people
look at you like you're strange
this one has a name. it's called "two".
the reason i took this one was because of the two people sitting
on the border of the parking lot, sharing a moment together.
i could only imagine what they were talking about from my silent observation point.
one of those 'pay' observation scopes aimed at the apartment building. ha.
i was walking back when i saw a good picture here. so i got down to the level of the
benches and snapped a few. i like this one best.
self-portrait.
the tower. under it are two people in an embrace... the quiet things that no one ever knows
are caught forever in this picture.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
double standards
for certain people, I never do certain things... like show up on time, answer phone calls or texts, keep plans, that sort of thing. but, for others I have no problem doing those same things. however, I tend to be honest about it. i've told Erwin that I just don't answer his texts, ever, because I know they're usually mass texts.
sometimes i'll send Jackson a text and he'll never reply. I know he reads them because when he's at the house I can see that he always replies or looks at texts constantly. I do the same.
when I first got a phone, I fought it because I like that people couldn't get a hold of me whenever they wanted. I think I was 20 when I got my first phone. things haven't really changed since then. people know not to call me, because i don't answer.
but there's always a double standard. i'm like Jackson in this manner, I tend to want to be alone, but also want to hang out when i'm alone. then I go do things like tonight.
time to go drive around.
sometimes i'll send Jackson a text and he'll never reply. I know he reads them because when he's at the house I can see that he always replies or looks at texts constantly. I do the same.
when I first got a phone, I fought it because I like that people couldn't get a hold of me whenever they wanted. I think I was 20 when I got my first phone. things haven't really changed since then. people know not to call me, because i don't answer.
but there's always a double standard. i'm like Jackson in this manner, I tend to want to be alone, but also want to hang out when i'm alone. then I go do things like tonight.
time to go drive around.
house of gold
I am a momma's boy. this means I am also a grandma's boy.
I went to go visit my grandma for the first time in 6 years this week. when I saw her I told her that she never gets old. and to me she doesn't, she always looks the same... like when I used to come with my family and she would make me fried potatoes on the stove top.
when the time came for us to leave, she looks at me and says something that I didn't react to after she said it... but I have been thinking about it ever since.
she looks at me with all sincerity and says that if she doesn't see me again that she will find me in the afterlife.
this is a loaded statement. it's a comment on how I never go over there and at the same time something super sweet that a grandma tells her grandson to make him feel better about the fact that people die.
when I was a boy, life was so easy and cheerful.
the truth is that it wasn't. however, you don't find out the truth until you grow up... and those times I had, in the place I thought I knew, had all changed while I had my back turned for all those years... all those grains of time being blown away by the slight wind I had come to trust as a comforting embrace when I needed it.
I would never go down to the shipyard with my grandpa and play in the boat landing, or have fun with my uncles the way you do when you're a kid, and when I saw my grandma she told me that she would still look for me in the afterlife.
I waited until now to think about it. now i'm fighting these tears...
I've got no more for now.
I went to go visit my grandma for the first time in 6 years this week. when I saw her I told her that she never gets old. and to me she doesn't, she always looks the same... like when I used to come with my family and she would make me fried potatoes on the stove top.
when the time came for us to leave, she looks at me and says something that I didn't react to after she said it... but I have been thinking about it ever since.
she looks at me with all sincerity and says that if she doesn't see me again that she will find me in the afterlife.
this is a loaded statement. it's a comment on how I never go over there and at the same time something super sweet that a grandma tells her grandson to make him feel better about the fact that people die.
when I was a boy, life was so easy and cheerful.
the truth is that it wasn't. however, you don't find out the truth until you grow up... and those times I had, in the place I thought I knew, had all changed while I had my back turned for all those years... all those grains of time being blown away by the slight wind I had come to trust as a comforting embrace when I needed it.
I would never go down to the shipyard with my grandpa and play in the boat landing, or have fun with my uncles the way you do when you're a kid, and when I saw my grandma she told me that she would still look for me in the afterlife.
I waited until now to think about it. now i'm fighting these tears...
I've got no more for now.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
losing a whole year
I got a third eye blind CD when I was a kid in high school. I got it probably because it had semi-charmed kind of life on it. I recognized that song.
Ashley would think it funny, but back then, I used to listen to whole albums.
I put the CD in the player and the first song that comes on is "Losing A Whole Year".
I had heard this song somewhere before, at least a fragment. and I remember liking it instantly, but I didn't know who it was that sang it. so I was kind of screwed there.
when I put that CD in and pressed play I was instantly happy. a happy I can only connect with music I really want to hear. I turned up the volume and disappeared for a while inside that album. I loved that album. I still do.
this weekend my friend randy and I were talking about music and that album came up. we both remembered it fondly and still knew the words to the songs. not just the ones they played on the radio, but the great ones. songs like motorcycle drive by, and god of wine.
I think god of wine had to be my favorite song on that album, even though its really hard to pick just one.
I listened to that album through my shit times I had in life and it always made me feel better, or allowed me to express my rage. the rage of a young boy that has no idea why he's angry.
"...Well this drama is a bore
And I don't wanna play no more..."
One of my school binders used to say that on it.
Ashley would think it funny, but back then, I used to listen to whole albums.
I put the CD in the player and the first song that comes on is "Losing A Whole Year".
I had heard this song somewhere before, at least a fragment. and I remember liking it instantly, but I didn't know who it was that sang it. so I was kind of screwed there.
when I put that CD in and pressed play I was instantly happy. a happy I can only connect with music I really want to hear. I turned up the volume and disappeared for a while inside that album. I loved that album. I still do.
this weekend my friend randy and I were talking about music and that album came up. we both remembered it fondly and still knew the words to the songs. not just the ones they played on the radio, but the great ones. songs like motorcycle drive by, and god of wine.
I think god of wine had to be my favorite song on that album, even though its really hard to pick just one.
I listened to that album through my shit times I had in life and it always made me feel better, or allowed me to express my rage. the rage of a young boy that has no idea why he's angry.
"...Well this drama is a bore
And I don't wanna play no more..."
One of my school binders used to say that on it.
Nuxvomica
I had misplaced my passport. of course I had, why the fuck wouldn't I put it somewhere random that it doesn't belong?
in my adventures of looking for it I found an envelope. coincidentally, inside this envelope was an old birthday card from my girlfriend from when I was turning 19. the card is rather uneventful, so that's not the story here.
beside Karys's card inside this envelope was a piece of paper. printer paper with green writing on it. I instantly knew what it was. it was an old email I had printed out before I destroyed my AOL account. it's from a time in my life when everything was seemingly life or death.
the email is from Alex. this is what it says:
"uh......I don't know what to say, I just am always speechless and dumbfounded after I read anything from you, even a goddam email. I don't want you to be sorry for being yourself, and I don't want you to make me think a certain way....it's not who you are. you are yourself.., you look out for yourself, and you take things as they come, like you said.
you don't cloud your mind with useless thoughts of the future. anyway... everytime you write me something, it's always flattering and a smile always pops up... and some tears too. thank you for the compliments... but maybe we should clear some things up...
first of all, I didn't kiss you because I was graduating, or because time was running out... I kissed you because I wanted to before, but I just never knew when, and I thought what would be more perfect than now (at that time) since I can catch him (you) off guard, walk away, and have him think about me (sounds mean huh?) and I didn't kiss you to see what would happen, I wanted to do it.... if you wanna know how I felt, it meant something to me too, after I walked away and left, I wanted to turn around and do it all over again...but I realized that it was too late.
anyway, I'm glad you don't hate me, but I feel bad, cause I never knew how much it was to you, I never knew that you still thought about me, or that I even meant anything to you... I honestly thought it was a fling. Not to be mean on your part, but that it wasn't the right time for me, and I liked you a lot, but I couldn't get any deeper into a relationship, cause I wasn't ready. it's like i'm at the starting line, and the whistle blows, except i'm still tying my shoe....ya know what I mean?
Well, anyway, I don't wanna bore you with my side....so i'll talk to you later....I still wanna read what you wrote about me tho, so send some my way...
I think it's better tho that nothing happened, cause karys is a great girl, and if you were with me,, you'd had never met her... right? and if I was with you, I wouldn't be getting married to Ryan....hahaha... you get my point....
anyway, talk to you later.
alex"
*that email is from some time in the year 2000, may or june I believe. She never married Ryan, she left him at the church. Karys broke up with me 6 months into my deployment to Okinawa. I find it interesting that the email from the girl who kissed me while I was dating karys is in the same envelope as a birthday card from her.
in my adventures of looking for it I found an envelope. coincidentally, inside this envelope was an old birthday card from my girlfriend from when I was turning 19. the card is rather uneventful, so that's not the story here.
beside Karys's card inside this envelope was a piece of paper. printer paper with green writing on it. I instantly knew what it was. it was an old email I had printed out before I destroyed my AOL account. it's from a time in my life when everything was seemingly life or death.
the email is from Alex. this is what it says:
"uh......I don't know what to say, I just am always speechless and dumbfounded after I read anything from you, even a goddam email. I don't want you to be sorry for being yourself, and I don't want you to make me think a certain way....it's not who you are. you are yourself.., you look out for yourself, and you take things as they come, like you said.
you don't cloud your mind with useless thoughts of the future. anyway... everytime you write me something, it's always flattering and a smile always pops up... and some tears too. thank you for the compliments... but maybe we should clear some things up...
first of all, I didn't kiss you because I was graduating, or because time was running out... I kissed you because I wanted to before, but I just never knew when, and I thought what would be more perfect than now (at that time) since I can catch him (you) off guard, walk away, and have him think about me (sounds mean huh?) and I didn't kiss you to see what would happen, I wanted to do it.... if you wanna know how I felt, it meant something to me too, after I walked away and left, I wanted to turn around and do it all over again...but I realized that it was too late.
anyway, I'm glad you don't hate me, but I feel bad, cause I never knew how much it was to you, I never knew that you still thought about me, or that I even meant anything to you... I honestly thought it was a fling. Not to be mean on your part, but that it wasn't the right time for me, and I liked you a lot, but I couldn't get any deeper into a relationship, cause I wasn't ready. it's like i'm at the starting line, and the whistle blows, except i'm still tying my shoe....ya know what I mean?
Well, anyway, I don't wanna bore you with my side....so i'll talk to you later....I still wanna read what you wrote about me tho, so send some my way...
I think it's better tho that nothing happened, cause karys is a great girl, and if you were with me,, you'd had never met her... right? and if I was with you, I wouldn't be getting married to Ryan....hahaha... you get my point....
anyway, talk to you later.
alex"
*that email is from some time in the year 2000, may or june I believe. She never married Ryan, she left him at the church. Karys broke up with me 6 months into my deployment to Okinawa. I find it interesting that the email from the girl who kissed me while I was dating karys is in the same envelope as a birthday card from her.
somebody's baby
whenever I hear the song "somebody's baby" I think of this girl I met while working at the driving school. she has kind of loopy and would talk a shitload during our 2 hour sessions. she even got me a pair of pajamas from her high school as a gift.
one day we were driving around at night. I let her drive me wherever she wanted that time since she was already fairly good at getting around without much help. she gave me a tour of some old neighborhood where she lived and some places she would hang out. then she told me, in a very cool manner, that she met an older guy and he took her to the baseball field one night, into the dugout, where she gave him her virginity. she topped it off with..."just like in that movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High". I laughed a bit to myself.
I don't remember what I said to her in return, but it must have been something not favorable because she defended her decision and said she wanted to do it.
I was amused because I didn't think she would even know that movie or be honest enough to admit something like that to me. students used to tell me the wildest shit. this was one of those nights.
the song reminds me of her because it is the song that plays in that particular scene.
one day we were driving around at night. I let her drive me wherever she wanted that time since she was already fairly good at getting around without much help. she gave me a tour of some old neighborhood where she lived and some places she would hang out. then she told me, in a very cool manner, that she met an older guy and he took her to the baseball field one night, into the dugout, where she gave him her virginity. she topped it off with..."just like in that movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High". I laughed a bit to myself.
I don't remember what I said to her in return, but it must have been something not favorable because she defended her decision and said she wanted to do it.
I was amused because I didn't think she would even know that movie or be honest enough to admit something like that to me. students used to tell me the wildest shit. this was one of those nights.
the song reminds me of her because it is the song that plays in that particular scene.
a random smattering of my mind. my mind.
I really like this song called "not dark yet" by jimmy LaFave. it's a cover, but I like it better than the original. it's just a beautiful sad-bastard song. my kind of music.
i'm not sure why I drank so heavily on Friday night. if I had to point to one reason, it would have to be my birthday is coming up. Then within the next week it would be my cousin's birthday. I have a rough time during these weeks. so I make bad decisions and try to wash the past away with alcohol.
I went to Sydney's place yesterday because I left my phone charger there. I rolled down my windows in my shit car and drove in the afternoon heat because I don't have air conditioning.
I get there and I knock on the door.
she opens the door with the cable in her hand, but I ask her if I can come in. I think subconsciously I had come for a different reason.
we talk, and I sip the water I have asked her to get for me. I do most of the talking, like always. I am sitting on the arm of the couch at this point, staring that loaded stare into nothing when I hear myself say... "my cousin and I lived a private existence"
I have started this and I can't turn back now.
say that we grew up together and pretty much lived in our own world. he never hung out with my friends and I never hug out with his friends, except later in our lives when I would bring him out with me and my friends sometimes. it's not that I was ashamed of him or anything, it pretty much the exact opposite. I wanted to keep him to myself. I loved the times when we would stay in my room all weekend and listen to music or play video games and tell stories and laugh. and laugh.
I went on to explain the story of how I ruined Christmas one year. I had been here with my cousin Angel and it just so happened that we both had leave from the Marines at the same time so we could spend some rare free time together again. in my room.
My girlfriend at the time calls me up and asks me if I want everyone to come over to my house so they can open presents. I tell her no of course, because i'm here with my cousin and I don't really want to be around everyone else right then. I am being honest but she doesn't care. she insists that it will be fun and eventually brings over the group to open presents in my room.
now, she knew I didn't want to do this, and I made it clear once everyone was there. I have always had trouble controlling my emotions and I ended up taking it out on all my friends that night. in the end my girlfriend ended up crying and saying that I ruined Christmas. At the time I was angry because I had told them not to come in the first place.
now that I look back, I realize that I spent that little time I had with Angel being a dick to my friends and not enjoying the company and time I had in that moment. some time later he left on deployment and I never saw him again.
I take things for granted. and it's one of my regrets. a living regret. I am trying to change, but it doesn't look like it's working.
I grew up with Angel and I knew I had something special while I had it. this is one of the few times in life where that has happened to me. so when I lost it, I was never able to recover. that's why I didn't want to share him.
then I look at Sydney and I say... "that's how I feel about you."
I say that I thought we got along well when we met and that I thought we were good friends. I tell her that I enjoyed driving around and listening to music, or stopping somewhere interesting to take pictures, or just watching The Office while sitting on the couch and that I missed those things. she agrees with me, which makes me feel like less of a moron for saying all this shit.
I don't have many friends, nor do I tell people things about me (in person), but I made a cherished friend that day at the zoo and I have been trying to make sure I don't lose her. I just didn't know that I was also missing the present company of the world around me.
so I told my story and made a connection to the present because it's the only way I can tell people things. I just wanted her to know that I thought about her like I thought about my cousin, because sometimes... I can tell when I have found something special while I still have it.
I said a lot more as I sat on that couch and watched the orange rays of the sun stream in through the window and seat themselves on the same couch, all the while warming a place that had been filled with people not too long ago, but was now empty. "thanks for listening to me", I told her.
I was going to write something else here, but I lost my motivation. i'll make it a separate piece later. i'll just post a picture of my cousin Angel from that weekend when I ruined Christmas.
This one is a random picture from the day we went to angels knoll park. that's my normal face.
i'm not sure why I drank so heavily on Friday night. if I had to point to one reason, it would have to be my birthday is coming up. Then within the next week it would be my cousin's birthday. I have a rough time during these weeks. so I make bad decisions and try to wash the past away with alcohol.
*
I went to Sydney's place yesterday because I left my phone charger there. I rolled down my windows in my shit car and drove in the afternoon heat because I don't have air conditioning.
I get there and I knock on the door.
she opens the door with the cable in her hand, but I ask her if I can come in. I think subconsciously I had come for a different reason.
we talk, and I sip the water I have asked her to get for me. I do most of the talking, like always. I am sitting on the arm of the couch at this point, staring that loaded stare into nothing when I hear myself say... "my cousin and I lived a private existence"
I have started this and I can't turn back now.
say that we grew up together and pretty much lived in our own world. he never hung out with my friends and I never hug out with his friends, except later in our lives when I would bring him out with me and my friends sometimes. it's not that I was ashamed of him or anything, it pretty much the exact opposite. I wanted to keep him to myself. I loved the times when we would stay in my room all weekend and listen to music or play video games and tell stories and laugh. and laugh.
I went on to explain the story of how I ruined Christmas one year. I had been here with my cousin Angel and it just so happened that we both had leave from the Marines at the same time so we could spend some rare free time together again. in my room.
My girlfriend at the time calls me up and asks me if I want everyone to come over to my house so they can open presents. I tell her no of course, because i'm here with my cousin and I don't really want to be around everyone else right then. I am being honest but she doesn't care. she insists that it will be fun and eventually brings over the group to open presents in my room.
now, she knew I didn't want to do this, and I made it clear once everyone was there. I have always had trouble controlling my emotions and I ended up taking it out on all my friends that night. in the end my girlfriend ended up crying and saying that I ruined Christmas. At the time I was angry because I had told them not to come in the first place.
now that I look back, I realize that I spent that little time I had with Angel being a dick to my friends and not enjoying the company and time I had in that moment. some time later he left on deployment and I never saw him again.
I take things for granted. and it's one of my regrets. a living regret. I am trying to change, but it doesn't look like it's working.
I grew up with Angel and I knew I had something special while I had it. this is one of the few times in life where that has happened to me. so when I lost it, I was never able to recover. that's why I didn't want to share him.
then I look at Sydney and I say... "that's how I feel about you."
I say that I thought we got along well when we met and that I thought we were good friends. I tell her that I enjoyed driving around and listening to music, or stopping somewhere interesting to take pictures, or just watching The Office while sitting on the couch and that I missed those things. she agrees with me, which makes me feel like less of a moron for saying all this shit.
I don't have many friends, nor do I tell people things about me (in person), but I made a cherished friend that day at the zoo and I have been trying to make sure I don't lose her. I just didn't know that I was also missing the present company of the world around me.
so I told my story and made a connection to the present because it's the only way I can tell people things. I just wanted her to know that I thought about her like I thought about my cousin, because sometimes... I can tell when I have found something special while I still have it.
I said a lot more as I sat on that couch and watched the orange rays of the sun stream in through the window and seat themselves on the same couch, all the while warming a place that had been filled with people not too long ago, but was now empty. "thanks for listening to me", I told her.
*
I was going to write something else here, but I lost my motivation. i'll make it a separate piece later. i'll just post a picture of my cousin Angel from that weekend when I ruined Christmas.
This one is a random picture from the day we went to angels knoll park. that's my normal face.
Friday, July 12, 2013
sometimes it is too late.
people like to say that it's never too late.
this is total bullshit.
sometimes it is too late.
my mother was talking to day about my dad. they are no longer together and mine and my sister's relationship with him has been terrible since before they divorced.
she says that sometimes he tells her that he regrets the way things happened. that he says he would leave the lady he's with to get back together with my mom.
but it's too late to fix anything. he may be a good man now, but it's too late. the only thing that can benefit from his changing is his own life. our relationships are beyond repair. there is no going back. all we can do is gently lay our ruined childhoods down into a hole and cover them up with our earthen hands as we water the ground unintentionally with the hopes that have died long ago.
sometimes, it is too late.
this is total bullshit.
sometimes it is too late.
my mother was talking to day about my dad. they are no longer together and mine and my sister's relationship with him has been terrible since before they divorced.
she says that sometimes he tells her that he regrets the way things happened. that he says he would leave the lady he's with to get back together with my mom.
but it's too late to fix anything. he may be a good man now, but it's too late. the only thing that can benefit from his changing is his own life. our relationships are beyond repair. there is no going back. all we can do is gently lay our ruined childhoods down into a hole and cover them up with our earthen hands as we water the ground unintentionally with the hopes that have died long ago.
sometimes, it is too late.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Decisions. There's always a decision.
There's always a decision to make.
do I, or don't I?
although different things influence different people as far as decision making processes go, there is always a decision to make.
when Alex cornered me in the hallway outside of my English class, I had a decision to make... let her kiss me, or not. yes, I had a girlfriend. yes, we were happy. but the situation won. and since I wear my heart on each exhaled breath, I breathed out and let her kiss me. in my mind I always imagine she breathed in.
I went to go see The Plain White T's in riverside one time, and I met elizha there. we walked around in the cold and tried to step around eventualities. when the show started, I told her that I had to go meet bree. So she looked at me, the way she does, and I feel guilty... cause I am.
I go my way and she goes hers. when I find bree I can see she's drunk. she's been hanging around with her slut friends who are typical college whores. but I stay. annoyed.
but I stay.
we watch the show and she tries to get us a ride home because there's supposed to be some party we're gonna go to. it just so happens that this particular night was the night of randy's party, but I wasn't going because my plan hadn't gone through. so randy (or Erwin) decided to go to a hotel and have the party there. I said no thanks.
somehow bree and I ended up at her place, and from there end up having sex on the floor immediately inside her doorstep. I think at that point that we had already broken up. for the last time. later I would find out that after I parted ways with elizha, she went down to randy's party, met some guy, went home with him and they had sex.
I am no angel. i'm just telling the story.
now, I think I know how I felt when I found out. i'm willing to say she felt the same. but those are the decisions we made. no one made me stay with bree. no one made her go.
My cousin has always been an amazing story teller, and maybe some would believe that he taught me a lot of what made me into who I am. In his Marine Corps career he spanned the country, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone... looking for the family he never had. in these travels he amassed a great number of stories, like so many grains of sand making up the castle of his life. And since he was far away, he would relay these stories to me through his letters.
Some were honest, some sad, some tinted with the slightest touch of make believe. almost like that movie Big Fish. but I always enjoyed reading them. always.
It has been my long standing regret that I hardly, if ever, replied to his letters.
cause I was a t home... with my friends, or with girlfriends, or just not replying, the way people do.
I got letters from SOI, from the Carolinas, from Guam, from all over the place, from home even, and finally from Iraq. And the thing is... I rarely took the time to reply to any of those letters. ever. but he always took the time to write.
I would have walked through fire for that guy, I would have flown to wherever he was. just to see that goofy kid who used to play NBA Jam with me. but I could never write a letter.
So when I finally came home to see him... it was at his funeral... and by that time it didn't matter anymore.
But that was my decision.
-undated, from a few years ago.
do I, or don't I?
although different things influence different people as far as decision making processes go, there is always a decision to make.
when Alex cornered me in the hallway outside of my English class, I had a decision to make... let her kiss me, or not. yes, I had a girlfriend. yes, we were happy. but the situation won. and since I wear my heart on each exhaled breath, I breathed out and let her kiss me. in my mind I always imagine she breathed in.
I went to go see The Plain White T's in riverside one time, and I met elizha there. we walked around in the cold and tried to step around eventualities. when the show started, I told her that I had to go meet bree. So she looked at me, the way she does, and I feel guilty... cause I am.
I go my way and she goes hers. when I find bree I can see she's drunk. she's been hanging around with her slut friends who are typical college whores. but I stay. annoyed.
but I stay.
we watch the show and she tries to get us a ride home because there's supposed to be some party we're gonna go to. it just so happens that this particular night was the night of randy's party, but I wasn't going because my plan hadn't gone through. so randy (or Erwin) decided to go to a hotel and have the party there. I said no thanks.
somehow bree and I ended up at her place, and from there end up having sex on the floor immediately inside her doorstep. I think at that point that we had already broken up. for the last time. later I would find out that after I parted ways with elizha, she went down to randy's party, met some guy, went home with him and they had sex.
I am no angel. i'm just telling the story.
now, I think I know how I felt when I found out. i'm willing to say she felt the same. but those are the decisions we made. no one made me stay with bree. no one made her go.
My cousin has always been an amazing story teller, and maybe some would believe that he taught me a lot of what made me into who I am. In his Marine Corps career he spanned the country, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone... looking for the family he never had. in these travels he amassed a great number of stories, like so many grains of sand making up the castle of his life. And since he was far away, he would relay these stories to me through his letters.
Some were honest, some sad, some tinted with the slightest touch of make believe. almost like that movie Big Fish. but I always enjoyed reading them. always.
It has been my long standing regret that I hardly, if ever, replied to his letters.
cause I was a t home... with my friends, or with girlfriends, or just not replying, the way people do.
I got letters from SOI, from the Carolinas, from Guam, from all over the place, from home even, and finally from Iraq. And the thing is... I rarely took the time to reply to any of those letters. ever. but he always took the time to write.
I would have walked through fire for that guy, I would have flown to wherever he was. just to see that goofy kid who used to play NBA Jam with me. but I could never write a letter.
So when I finally came home to see him... it was at his funeral... and by that time it didn't matter anymore.
But that was my decision.
-undated, from a few years ago.
Monday, July 8, 2013
.story never told.
when, well I really can't recall, but i'm sure it was before me and karys ever went out, but that's not important.
before we were going out, karys had given me this bracelet, because in that freeze frame of time I was into bracelets. it was this silver-grey type bead bracelet on an elastic hair to hold it together.
I wore it every day.
In fact, it attracted attention, but I wouldn't let anyone see it. so of course, this one girl wasn't gonna rest until she had it in her hands. and me being the stubborn dumbass I was back then, refused to let anyone so much as touch it.
maybe I was scared. that nothing would ever come of me and her so I cherished what little I had pertaining to her. or maybe i was fond of my newly discovered star. either way, it goes like this.
one day after class, I was walking out of the building when the girl grabbed at my bracelet, I pulled away. it snapped. and left me picking up little silver-grey beads from their displaced homes. trying to not make it seem like I cared. but I nearly cried.
eyes watery and heart shaken, I walked home and put what few beads I found into a box I had modeled out of a shoe box.
I still have at least a couple of those beads.
I think it strange that one nearly worthless piece of plastic can mean so much, and signify everything.
I never told karys that, she might think i'm weird.
before we were going out, karys had given me this bracelet, because in that freeze frame of time I was into bracelets. it was this silver-grey type bead bracelet on an elastic hair to hold it together.
I wore it every day.
In fact, it attracted attention, but I wouldn't let anyone see it. so of course, this one girl wasn't gonna rest until she had it in her hands. and me being the stubborn dumbass I was back then, refused to let anyone so much as touch it.
maybe I was scared. that nothing would ever come of me and her so I cherished what little I had pertaining to her. or maybe i was fond of my newly discovered star. either way, it goes like this.
one day after class, I was walking out of the building when the girl grabbed at my bracelet, I pulled away. it snapped. and left me picking up little silver-grey beads from their displaced homes. trying to not make it seem like I cared. but I nearly cried.
eyes watery and heart shaken, I walked home and put what few beads I found into a box I had modeled out of a shoe box.
I still have at least a couple of those beads.
I think it strange that one nearly worthless piece of plastic can mean so much, and signify everything.
I never told karys that, she might think i'm weird.
sanchez
my friend sanchez was always a sort of softie. you wouldn't know it by looking at him. this dude was huge. he spent a lot of time in the gym when we got to Okinawa. I, did not. I found this old conversation I had scribbled down in my notebook between us.
Sanchez- "just come to the gym with me," he said, knowingly trying to make me feel better.
"it always helps me."
Christian- "the gym isn't going to get me home," I said, frustrated and half crying.
can't anything good ever happen to me.
Sanchez- "just come to the gym with me," he said, knowingly trying to make me feel better.
"it always helps me."
Christian- "the gym isn't going to get me home," I said, frustrated and half crying.
can't anything good ever happen to me.
blue
she had these...
eyes reminiscent of fresh dew drops
placed gently on two ever changing canvases
masqueraded with the darkest blue stain,
over flowing its boundaries. slightly.
eyes reminiscent of fresh dew drops
placed gently on two ever changing canvases
masqueraded with the darkest blue stain,
over flowing its boundaries. slightly.
i used to write
I used to write these letters to myself about once a year. this is one of them.
At this point in time, or better yet,
As of June 3rd, 2002...
The girl who you were with for almost 3 years,
karys, has left you.
you're still in love with her, or the idea of her.
you had the most wonderful of times with her. and she loved you.
in return, you were inconsiderate, unappreciative and a bastard.
but she claims every moment was great... you have since apologized to her. and she in turn brought up all the times that made everything worth it. and even though you're not together anymore... you still talk to her because she said she still wanted to be friends. you didn't, but you do it for her. and partly because you can't let go.
you have two current best friends...
sam and bishop.
you talk to bishop on rare occasions...but you have had the best of times with him. anything stupid that could possibly be thought, you two have done.
and even though you met in high school, you are brought close by certain moments in life where each has been a shoulder to lean on. you still want to do many things with bishop. and that road trip is still in the works.
sam you talk to more often... you and him have also known each other since high school, but are also just like brothers. you share the same taste in most areas and have the same obsessions. you got sam started playing the guitar and he's come a long way. you and him always talk about "Pollux Cock"... the band you are going to start one day. you and sam have also helped each other through the times when the world got blurry. he has also always been there for you. for sam, there is nothing you wouldn't do. and although sometimes you don't approve of the things he does. in the end you just want him to be happy too.
there are many girls you have loved. but there is one you've always had a crush on. her name is Rachael. she is the kind of girl that everyone likes. the kind of girl that it's easy to fall in love with. you have seen her strong. you have held her hand when weak. you tell her things no one knows. she may be your only true female friend, and it's great. she is the most beautiful girl you know. well, you and sam.
you both hold her in the highest of regards. in fact, she is your latest muse. you've written some decent poems about her. but you don't think you'll ever tell her any of this. you don't wanna ruin anything you have. you never know what to say to her.
you just bought the second guitar you have bought with your own money... an Ibanez acoustic/electric with an awesome fire pattern around the sound hole. it sounds great. your first guitar is still in good condition. everyone makes fun of it, but you know it does what it's supposed to. that guitar, you will leave the way it is. you want to buy an Ibanez RG570... and that $1,500 Gretsch. you also want a Marshall half stack. yeah. but that is just a "want". you don't practice as much as you should, but you are learning new things. you wish you could play some stuff with sam, so you could record it and save it. you still dream of being able to write your own music, and possibly play and sing at the same time. you want to be able to play "yesterday"... it's been a long time thing. although you are not a rockstar, it doesn't matter.
As of today you are nearly two years into your Marine Corps contract. some of it has been fun, some of it hasn't. you've gotten The Big Green Weenie on your M.O.S. training though. And now you're on Camp Guard.
You always seem to meet the most interesting people. you've met and still know some interesting souls. you've had memorable times while on liberty, and everything bad is happening in these Marine Corps years.
you take things very hard. but get high with the help of your friends. they are always there for you. also, you've just begun going out and having fun. you have taken many pictures. as of now you are waiting to send them home to your mom and friends.
your family is falling apart in front of your eyes. over the phone you can do no good. you fear for your mom and sister. you hope she can make it through school and not be emotionally harmed. you realize you're going to have to start being a big brother now. it isn't as easy as you thought it would be. you love your family, but you doubt their will be a "home" when you get back. you consider moving out.
you remember when your parents almost split up when you were young...and how much you cried at the mere thought. you remember the way your dad cut himself out of the family portraits. and how badly it hurt you. you blink. and re-live this again. you are still hyper-emotional about your family. you worry a lot about everything. you want to go home.
you just want to be home.
you like to watch the old videos you've recorded over the years and wonder about the people you don't know anymore. you wonder where it all went.
you miss many important dates and events due to always being away from home. you brood over the things you cannot help and wonder why you and life aren't friends anymore. yet, you know that one day everything will be better. you know.
you watch and own many movies that make you feel.
you have always enjoyed a good depression, but love a natural smile.
one of your loves is writing. you have thousands, maybe millions of words written down in journals and thousands on a CD rom of your now dead online journal. you think most of it is decent, but you are your own toughest critic. sometimes you go back and read you writings. you write to remember. you have always put out a mysterious vibe which makes people want to figure you out. even though this is sure death.
you write mainly about women you've known, but are able to create and destroy wonderful phrases with ink and paper.
you are a collector of sorts and keep everything.
you wish you could sing.
you are also in love with the little things. and life.
and every so often you stop and take a walk through a freeze frame of life, and savor every bent ray of light bouncing off the glitter covered world.
you love walking in the rain, and hope to walk in the rain accompanied at least once.
you are very negative about yourself. but you can also be very cocky. you are a cynic and have set the world on fire behind you. you love attention. you regret many things and don't at the same time. you are sublime in existence. and know that everything will be alright no matter what.
All you want is for people around you to understand what you are trying to say. you would tell your whole story if they would listen.
All you want is for everyone around you to be happy.
you want to save everyone.
(it's interesting to read these things. as I was typing it out I was reading it again for the first time in ages. I left everything in. I have accomplished some of the things I desired, and that makes me feel good about being a turd. I have my halfstack, I have written music and I can play and sing some songs. some things I forgot that I had said, and now, seeing that they have come true is a feeling I can't explain.)
At this point in time, or better yet,
As of June 3rd, 2002...
The girl who you were with for almost 3 years,
karys, has left you.
you're still in love with her, or the idea of her.
you had the most wonderful of times with her. and she loved you.
in return, you were inconsiderate, unappreciative and a bastard.
but she claims every moment was great... you have since apologized to her. and she in turn brought up all the times that made everything worth it. and even though you're not together anymore... you still talk to her because she said she still wanted to be friends. you didn't, but you do it for her. and partly because you can't let go.
you have two current best friends...
sam and bishop.
you talk to bishop on rare occasions...but you have had the best of times with him. anything stupid that could possibly be thought, you two have done.
and even though you met in high school, you are brought close by certain moments in life where each has been a shoulder to lean on. you still want to do many things with bishop. and that road trip is still in the works.
sam you talk to more often... you and him have also known each other since high school, but are also just like brothers. you share the same taste in most areas and have the same obsessions. you got sam started playing the guitar and he's come a long way. you and him always talk about "Pollux Cock"... the band you are going to start one day. you and sam have also helped each other through the times when the world got blurry. he has also always been there for you. for sam, there is nothing you wouldn't do. and although sometimes you don't approve of the things he does. in the end you just want him to be happy too.
there are many girls you have loved. but there is one you've always had a crush on. her name is Rachael. she is the kind of girl that everyone likes. the kind of girl that it's easy to fall in love with. you have seen her strong. you have held her hand when weak. you tell her things no one knows. she may be your only true female friend, and it's great. she is the most beautiful girl you know. well, you and sam.
you both hold her in the highest of regards. in fact, she is your latest muse. you've written some decent poems about her. but you don't think you'll ever tell her any of this. you don't wanna ruin anything you have. you never know what to say to her.
you just bought the second guitar you have bought with your own money... an Ibanez acoustic/electric with an awesome fire pattern around the sound hole. it sounds great. your first guitar is still in good condition. everyone makes fun of it, but you know it does what it's supposed to. that guitar, you will leave the way it is. you want to buy an Ibanez RG570... and that $1,500 Gretsch. you also want a Marshall half stack. yeah. but that is just a "want". you don't practice as much as you should, but you are learning new things. you wish you could play some stuff with sam, so you could record it and save it. you still dream of being able to write your own music, and possibly play and sing at the same time. you want to be able to play "yesterday"... it's been a long time thing. although you are not a rockstar, it doesn't matter.
As of today you are nearly two years into your Marine Corps contract. some of it has been fun, some of it hasn't. you've gotten The Big Green Weenie on your M.O.S. training though. And now you're on Camp Guard.
You always seem to meet the most interesting people. you've met and still know some interesting souls. you've had memorable times while on liberty, and everything bad is happening in these Marine Corps years.
you take things very hard. but get high with the help of your friends. they are always there for you. also, you've just begun going out and having fun. you have taken many pictures. as of now you are waiting to send them home to your mom and friends.
your family is falling apart in front of your eyes. over the phone you can do no good. you fear for your mom and sister. you hope she can make it through school and not be emotionally harmed. you realize you're going to have to start being a big brother now. it isn't as easy as you thought it would be. you love your family, but you doubt their will be a "home" when you get back. you consider moving out.
you remember when your parents almost split up when you were young...and how much you cried at the mere thought. you remember the way your dad cut himself out of the family portraits. and how badly it hurt you. you blink. and re-live this again. you are still hyper-emotional about your family. you worry a lot about everything. you want to go home.
you just want to be home.
you like to watch the old videos you've recorded over the years and wonder about the people you don't know anymore. you wonder where it all went.
you miss many important dates and events due to always being away from home. you brood over the things you cannot help and wonder why you and life aren't friends anymore. yet, you know that one day everything will be better. you know.
you watch and own many movies that make you feel.
you have always enjoyed a good depression, but love a natural smile.
one of your loves is writing. you have thousands, maybe millions of words written down in journals and thousands on a CD rom of your now dead online journal. you think most of it is decent, but you are your own toughest critic. sometimes you go back and read you writings. you write to remember. you have always put out a mysterious vibe which makes people want to figure you out. even though this is sure death.
you write mainly about women you've known, but are able to create and destroy wonderful phrases with ink and paper.
you are a collector of sorts and keep everything.
you wish you could sing.
you are also in love with the little things. and life.
and every so often you stop and take a walk through a freeze frame of life, and savor every bent ray of light bouncing off the glitter covered world.
you love walking in the rain, and hope to walk in the rain accompanied at least once.
you are very negative about yourself. but you can also be very cocky. you are a cynic and have set the world on fire behind you. you love attention. you regret many things and don't at the same time. you are sublime in existence. and know that everything will be alright no matter what.
All you want is for people around you to understand what you are trying to say. you would tell your whole story if they would listen.
All you want is for everyone around you to be happy.
you want to save everyone.
(it's interesting to read these things. as I was typing it out I was reading it again for the first time in ages. I left everything in. I have accomplished some of the things I desired, and that makes me feel good about being a turd. I have my halfstack, I have written music and I can play and sing some songs. some things I forgot that I had said, and now, seeing that they have come true is a feeling I can't explain.)
sometimes you have to forget about things
this isn't some all revealing shit.
sometimes you have to forget about things, even if you don't want to.
sometimes you have to forget about things, even if you don't want to.
Friday, July 5, 2013
..to dance.
I have learned half of what I know from my mother.
I remember when we lived in the house on Flight street, my cousin would be over and we would be sitting on this giant beige beanbag couch we had in the living room, when all of a sudden my mom would come in and ask us if we wanted to go to Disneyland the next morning. The places changed over time, Universal Studios, Sea World... but the feeling was always the same. she never planned any of those things, she would just spring them on us, and since my dad was a killjoy he never went, so it was just my mom and us kids.
I have a feeling that she preferred it that way. just her and us, going everywhere.
My mother is where I learned to not make plans. She is all over the place most of the time, just like me. Now, I turn around and bring that to the people I know. I just came back from a trip to Monterey and the surrounding areas. a trip that I thought up the day before.
If I had more courage I would be more impulsive. I would take that chance. I would go. I would dance.
In me there is a spark of my mother's spontaneity and courage.
...if you ever see this, I just wanted to say that I hope you dance.
your name is close enough to it.
I remember when we lived in the house on Flight street, my cousin would be over and we would be sitting on this giant beige beanbag couch we had in the living room, when all of a sudden my mom would come in and ask us if we wanted to go to Disneyland the next morning. The places changed over time, Universal Studios, Sea World... but the feeling was always the same. she never planned any of those things, she would just spring them on us, and since my dad was a killjoy he never went, so it was just my mom and us kids.
I have a feeling that she preferred it that way. just her and us, going everywhere.
My mother is where I learned to not make plans. She is all over the place most of the time, just like me. Now, I turn around and bring that to the people I know. I just came back from a trip to Monterey and the surrounding areas. a trip that I thought up the day before.
If I had more courage I would be more impulsive. I would take that chance. I would go. I would dance.
In me there is a spark of my mother's spontaneity and courage.
...if you ever see this, I just wanted to say that I hope you dance.
your name is close enough to it.
Monday, July 1, 2013
when you're lonely, you reach out.
being in Iraq sucked. the girl I was seeing was doing her brother back at home, my family was in uproar and I was in fucking Iraq. I wrote several of the songs that became the stuff we played when we were a band and played actual shows.
I also reached out to people from my past. I wrote my English teacher an e-mail. this is that conversation...(I have corrected some spelling errors so I don't look like a dumbass.)
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 01:20:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: greetings from iraq
hello mr. elsten.
this is christian garibay, I slacked off in your class
along with sam morales some time ago... remember me?
i had always wanted to go back to speak with you, but i
have been in japan for 2 years and now i've been in
iraq for 6 months... but i'd still like to speak to
you. if it's ok that is...
well i have no time left so i'll see if you respond to
this e mail.
-Christian
He replied.
Chris: I remember you as one of the most interesting, thoughtful young men of the decade. As a student, you were puzzling and a bit self-destructive. You read things once and did very well in OCAD {Orange County Academic Decathlon}. I'll never forget the Viagra comment at the awards dinner. Very bold for a youngster.
What is your duty in Iraq? What is your rank now? What are your plans for freedom? Any career in mind? Any poetry written in the past years? Any poetry read in the past years? Are you still interested in singing in a band? (I wouldn't quit your day job for this) I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close. Has that gone away? I really admired her as a strong woman who knew what she was about. You, on the other hand....
There is no safe duty in Iraq so be very, very cautious and smart. I expect to see you when you have time and interest. Do not come to me without having read something very profound (Harry Potter does not qualify)
Be safe,
J. Elsten
I never replied to this. i'm not really sure why. I never went to see him either. I don't make the best decisions obviously.
I also reached out to people from my past. I wrote my English teacher an e-mail. this is that conversation...(I have corrected some spelling errors so I don't look like a dumbass.)
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 01:20:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: greetings from iraq
hello mr. elsten.
this is christian garibay, I slacked off in your class
along with sam morales some time ago... remember me?
i had always wanted to go back to speak with you, but i
have been in japan for 2 years and now i've been in
iraq for 6 months... but i'd still like to speak to
you. if it's ok that is...
well i have no time left so i'll see if you respond to
this e mail.
-Christian
He replied.
Chris: I remember you as one of the most interesting, thoughtful young men of the decade. As a student, you were puzzling and a bit self-destructive. You read things once and did very well in OCAD {Orange County Academic Decathlon}. I'll never forget the Viagra comment at the awards dinner. Very bold for a youngster.
What is your duty in Iraq? What is your rank now? What are your plans for freedom? Any career in mind? Any poetry written in the past years? Any poetry read in the past years? Are you still interested in singing in a band? (I wouldn't quit your day job for this) I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close. Has that gone away? I really admired her as a strong woman who knew what she was about. You, on the other hand....
There is no safe duty in Iraq so be very, very cautious and smart. I expect to see you when you have time and interest. Do not come to me without having read something very profound (Harry Potter does not qualify)
Be safe,
J. Elsten
I never replied to this. i'm not really sure why. I never went to see him either. I don't make the best decisions obviously.
a girl i left a girl for, who left me.
This is my life. I have brought it out for you to see. most of the time I am standing on the edge of destroying this thing. with my toes over the edge something always brings me back.
When I was being driven to LAX by my parents so I could start my 1 year tour in Okinawa, japan, my girlfriend of the time wrote me this note. I found it a few minutes ago.
"Christian Garibay
Dearest chris, I really don't know what to say, except for, the situation won. I really despise this fact because I love you so much and wished that there were ways that our relationship together would survive. It hurts me so much knowing that you feel their's no way "us" would work. I feel horrible because I know I influenced that thought.
I really thought I could "DEAL" with all of the changes, but I can't allow myself to understand that you have no control or time.
I know I make you feel like shit and I am truly sorry. maybe we were supposed to meet each other later in life.
I guess since we met so early we were just damaging to one another. but I have loved you since you laughed at me in class. you always seem to amaze me.
I just want you to know that I love you, and will always love you. and when you find out what you want please tell me.
I will be waiting for your response.
Loving you endlessly,
05/23/01
P.s.
I wish you the best
and hope you find your dreams and make them happen.
I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you."
In that old red minivan I was given a hastily written note by the girl who lived on Bluebell Ave. 6 months later, we were through. One of my favorite relationship quotes came from my high school English teacher. I sent him an e-mail while I was out in Iraq. He asked " I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close. Has that gone away?"
When I was being driven to LAX by my parents so I could start my 1 year tour in Okinawa, japan, my girlfriend of the time wrote me this note. I found it a few minutes ago.
"Christian Garibay
Dearest chris, I really don't know what to say, except for, the situation won. I really despise this fact because I love you so much and wished that there were ways that our relationship together would survive. It hurts me so much knowing that you feel their's no way "us" would work. I feel horrible because I know I influenced that thought.
I really thought I could "DEAL" with all of the changes, but I can't allow myself to understand that you have no control or time.
I know I make you feel like shit and I am truly sorry. maybe we were supposed to meet each other later in life.
I guess since we met so early we were just damaging to one another. but I have loved you since you laughed at me in class. you always seem to amaze me.
I just want you to know that I love you, and will always love you. and when you find out what you want please tell me.
I will be waiting for your response.
Loving you endlessly,
05/23/01
P.s.
I wish you the best
and hope you find your dreams and make them happen.
I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you."
In that old red minivan I was given a hastily written note by the girl who lived on Bluebell Ave. 6 months later, we were through. One of my favorite relationship quotes came from my high school English teacher. I sent him an e-mail while I was out in Iraq. He asked " I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close. Has that gone away?"
in my old books
in my old books I have written lots of little sayings. I am not sure if they're mine or someone else's. here are some.
"they figure i'm the leader because I talk too much."
"war wins over the heart, what death wins over the soul."
(I googled this one and it took me to my old live journal.)
"jack and jill they took some pills, to fit in with their friends. but jack OD'd and jill gave in, now both of them are dead."
"I don't pick them, they pick themselves and I have to figure out what to do with them from there"
"they figure i'm the leader because I talk too much."
"war wins over the heart, what death wins over the soul."
(I googled this one and it took me to my old live journal.)
"jack and jill they took some pills, to fit in with their friends. but jack OD'd and jill gave in, now both of them are dead."
"I don't pick them, they pick themselves and I have to figure out what to do with them from there"
when i wake up.
I woke up to this... at seven-thirty PM. ha.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the
rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway
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