Nuxvomica

   I had misplaced my passport. of course I had, why the fuck wouldn't I put it somewhere random that it doesn't belong?

     in my adventures of looking for it I found an envelope. coincidentally, inside this envelope was an old birthday card from my girlfriend from when I was turning 19. the card is rather uneventful, so that's not the story here.

     beside Karys's card inside this envelope was a piece of paper. printer paper with green writing on it. I instantly knew what it was. it was an old email I had printed out before I destroyed my AOL account. it's from a time in my life when everything was seemingly life or death.

     the email is from Alex. this is what it says:

"uh......I don't know what to say, I just am always speechless and dumbfounded after I read anything from you, even a goddam email. I don't want you to be sorry for being yourself, and I don't want you to make me think a certain way....it's not who you are. you are yourself.., you look out for yourself, and you take things as they come, like you said.

you don't cloud your mind with useless thoughts of the future. anyway... everytime you write me something, it's always flattering and a smile always pops up... and some tears too. thank you for the compliments... but maybe we should clear some things up...

first of all, I didn't kiss you because I was graduating, or because time was running out... I kissed you because I wanted to before, but I just never knew when, and I thought what would be more perfect than now (at that time) since I can catch him (you) off guard, walk away, and have him think about me (sounds mean huh?)   and I didn't kiss you to see what would happen, I wanted to do it.... if you wanna know how I felt, it meant something to me too, after I walked away and left, I wanted to turn around and do it all over again...but I realized that it was too late.

anyway, I'm glad you don't hate me, but I feel bad, cause I never knew how much it was to you, I never knew that you still thought about me, or that I even meant anything to you... I honestly thought it was a fling. Not to be mean on your part, but that it wasn't the right time for me, and I liked you a lot, but I couldn't get any deeper into a relationship, cause I wasn't ready. it's like i'm at the starting line, and the whistle blows, except i'm still tying my shoe....ya know what I mean?

Well, anyway, I don't wanna bore you with my side....so i'll talk to you later....I still wanna read what you wrote about me tho, so send some my way...

I think it's better tho that nothing happened, cause karys is a great girl, and if you were with me,, you'd had never met her... right? and if I was with you, I wouldn't be getting married to Ryan....hahaha... you get my point....

anyway, talk to you later.

alex"



*that email is from some time in the year 2000, may or june I believe. She never married Ryan, she left him at the church. Karys broke up with me 6 months into my deployment to Okinawa. I find it interesting that the email from the girl who kissed me while I was dating karys is in the same envelope as a birthday card from her.