it was a framed litho print that read...
MAKE SOMETHING
TODAY
EVEN IF
IT SUCKS.
Friday, May 31, 2013
i saw something
i saw something on the internet today and it made me laugh a little.
it was a framed litho print that read...
it was a framed litho print that read...
making new friends is terrible
i was at the bar last night with some classmates.
i have has class with these people for 2 semesters now. we hang out after class on thursday night and have drinks or we sit in their cars and i watch as they smoke pot, because i don't smoke.
but we hang out. and it's fun.
this last week was the last day of school.
after finishing our finals and getting our grades we decided to go celebrate or cry about it across the street at the bar. we had some beers and played pool. i hadn't played pool in years. i usually get out of it by being the odd numbered person, so there's always teams and i don't have to join in.
we played pool and joked around.
after the game was over and some time had passed we decided it was time to go our separate ways.
this was pretty much the last time we were going to see each other because the classes we needed to take before getting into the radiology program were done with. i myself was not going to be attending summer school and may not even be attending next semester. if i was, i wouldn't be seeing these people anymore anyways.
everyone starts talking about seeing each other next thursday or any other day in the future and i start saying that when people say shit like that it usually isn't true.
At least for me it isn't.
i didn't plan on seeing them again. i also didn't say goodbye.
i understand the way people are. And maybe a couple of them may still remain friends and talk to each other, but i won't.
i find it hard to make new friends.
i have had the same core set of friends for years now and i don't care to make new ones.
people are terrible.
...eventually you have to talk to them. and eventually you find things out about them, or they find things out about you. i don't enjoy divulging aspects of my life to people. i can barely communicate with my girlfriend of 5 years so it doesn't make sense to me to attempt to share myself with some people i hardly know.
so i leave.
i leave and i never look back. total war.
i don't want to tell you about myself. i don't want to like you. i don't want to hang out. i don't want to worry.
i don't want to miss you.
i find making new friends to be terrible.
so i left the bar and got into my car and will probably never see any of them again. this isn't middle school.
i don't care.
someone once said i have a dual life. it was an attack.
i agree with that person now.
in one life i can't stop thinking about the past.
in one life i can't help but imagine the future and the end.
i have has class with these people for 2 semesters now. we hang out after class on thursday night and have drinks or we sit in their cars and i watch as they smoke pot, because i don't smoke.
but we hang out. and it's fun.
this last week was the last day of school.
after finishing our finals and getting our grades we decided to go celebrate or cry about it across the street at the bar. we had some beers and played pool. i hadn't played pool in years. i usually get out of it by being the odd numbered person, so there's always teams and i don't have to join in.
we played pool and joked around.
after the game was over and some time had passed we decided it was time to go our separate ways.
this was pretty much the last time we were going to see each other because the classes we needed to take before getting into the radiology program were done with. i myself was not going to be attending summer school and may not even be attending next semester. if i was, i wouldn't be seeing these people anymore anyways.
everyone starts talking about seeing each other next thursday or any other day in the future and i start saying that when people say shit like that it usually isn't true.
At least for me it isn't.
i didn't plan on seeing them again. i also didn't say goodbye.
i understand the way people are. And maybe a couple of them may still remain friends and talk to each other, but i won't.
i find it hard to make new friends.
i have had the same core set of friends for years now and i don't care to make new ones.
people are terrible.
...eventually you have to talk to them. and eventually you find things out about them, or they find things out about you. i don't enjoy divulging aspects of my life to people. i can barely communicate with my girlfriend of 5 years so it doesn't make sense to me to attempt to share myself with some people i hardly know.
so i leave.
i leave and i never look back. total war.
i don't want to tell you about myself. i don't want to like you. i don't want to hang out. i don't want to worry.
i don't want to miss you.
i find making new friends to be terrible.
so i left the bar and got into my car and will probably never see any of them again. this isn't middle school.
i don't care.
someone once said i have a dual life. it was an attack.
i agree with that person now.
in one life i can't stop thinking about the past.
in one life i can't help but imagine the future and the end.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Memorial Days
5_23_2013
An Army vet gave a speech today in my comm. class about ways to help veterans by volunteering and such. i can't listen to something like that without feeling sad.
As i was sitting there i wondered what it would be like if my cousin had come home. if instead of dying, only several of his closest buddies had died.
would he be the same person anymore? would he talk to me about it?
how would i have turned out?
would i be better off mentally?
i imagine that we would have traded places and he would be the one putting on the show and breaking down backstage.
He would be carrying that burden.
My cousin hid a sensitive side, much like i do
i couldn't imagine him being able to deal with the aftermath of that day in march.
it sounds terrible, but i feel that it was better that they all died together that day.
i was left to carry a burden i have ultimate difficulty explaining to my loved ones and it strains my relationships.
How do i explain that i stood in the back of the mortuary while my family huddled and cried over a flag draped metal box. That my protector lay inside there, broken forever. that reporters mobbed the guy in the dress blues, walking into the viewing. that i had no idea what to do, or how to feel.
that when i finally walked down that aisle, the whole room held their breath and watched as i shook and tried to hold myself together.
i laid a single, white-gloved hand on that metal box and lost my shit. in front of all my family. i dont know exactly how long i was up there.
everything went away.
An Army vet gave a speech today in my comm. class about ways to help veterans by volunteering and such. i can't listen to something like that without feeling sad.
As i was sitting there i wondered what it would be like if my cousin had come home. if instead of dying, only several of his closest buddies had died.
would he be the same person anymore? would he talk to me about it?
how would i have turned out?
would i be better off mentally?
i imagine that we would have traded places and he would be the one putting on the show and breaking down backstage.
He would be carrying that burden.
My cousin hid a sensitive side, much like i do
i couldn't imagine him being able to deal with the aftermath of that day in march.
it sounds terrible, but i feel that it was better that they all died together that day.
i was left to carry a burden i have ultimate difficulty explaining to my loved ones and it strains my relationships.
How do i explain that i stood in the back of the mortuary while my family huddled and cried over a flag draped metal box. That my protector lay inside there, broken forever. that reporters mobbed the guy in the dress blues, walking into the viewing. that i had no idea what to do, or how to feel.
that when i finally walked down that aisle, the whole room held their breath and watched as i shook and tried to hold myself together.
i laid a single, white-gloved hand on that metal box and lost my shit. in front of all my family. i dont know exactly how long i was up there.
everything went away.
it was many years ago again. i had just washed my dad's truck.
with the money from that i had enough to walk the mile or so to get some Mcdonalds.
on the way there a truck filled with gangsters stopped in the middle of the
street to stare us down.
my cousin pushed me away and stood between me and
the gangsters.
without a second thought.
the memory faded away and i was standing there again. in front of everyone.
just me and him.
i dont remember much of that day.
As we were leaving, i was sitting in a car, probably sam's car... and a big lifted truck pulled up next to us at a red light and yelled, "Fuck Marines!" before driving off.
yeah.
Fuck Marines.
Friday, May 17, 2013
so why are you running away...
you're just running away.
when something here bothers you, you're gonna run from here too.
I know it's a funny thing for me to say, because I am the same. but that's why I can say it.
when something here bothers you, you're gonna run from here too.
I know it's a funny thing for me to say, because I am the same. but that's why I can say it.
hey jealousy
Jealousy was an action, that walked hand in had with desire.
they would look up into the sky and...
they would walk on slowly changing until one day...
so we lie to ourselves and create false memories once and again
perpetuating our false past. together forever.
they would look up into the sky and...
they would walk on slowly changing until one day...
so we lie to ourselves and create false memories once and again
perpetuating our false past. together forever.
help from where you least expect it.
so i was gonna call my mom the other night after I got a disturbing e-mail from heide about my mom and dad. it seems they're gonna split up.
I mean, as if shit wasn't bad as it is.
so I call home, and my dad answers.
I ask for mom.
(at this moment my voice is getting weak and you can tell something is not right)
so he asks, "how are you?".. and I lose it.
I tell him about karys and everything.
and you know what he does?
it surprised the hell out of me... you know what he did?
he made me feel better.
the last person i'd ever tell anything.
and I wanted to be there with him.
I wanted to ask. "how come we never talk"
but I was happy with our first steps.
and he told me how I should get over her, and that everything would be alright.
holy shit.
and I knew somewhere inside all the pain.
he was a great father.
"no era para ti"
"I know, I know"
I mean, as if shit wasn't bad as it is.
so I call home, and my dad answers.
I ask for mom.
(at this moment my voice is getting weak and you can tell something is not right)
so he asks, "how are you?".. and I lose it.
I tell him about karys and everything.
and you know what he does?
it surprised the hell out of me... you know what he did?
he made me feel better.
the last person i'd ever tell anything.
and I wanted to be there with him.
I wanted to ask. "how come we never talk"
but I was happy with our first steps.
and he told me how I should get over her, and that everything would be alright.
holy shit.
and I knew somewhere inside all the pain.
he was a great father.
"no era para ti"
"I know, I know"
from when....
..my high school girlfriend broke up with me a month after my grandfather had died, and I was stationed out in japan.
I wanted to tell you no.
that this was bullshit.
I wanted to lie some more promises
and make everything ok.
I wanted to ask you what I did wrong
I remember once you asked me, "don't you want me anymore?".
I wanted you to know exactly
everything I was feeling.
but nothing came out.
no "i'm sorry's", no "forgive me's"
I couldn't even argue.
I wanted to tell you no.
that this was bullshit.
I wanted to lie some more promises
and make everything ok.
I wanted to ask you what I did wrong
I remember once you asked me, "don't you want me anymore?".
I wanted you to know exactly
everything I was feeling.
but nothing came out.
no "i'm sorry's", no "forgive me's"
I couldn't even argue.
synthesis
we met by chance. on a day that we weren't supposed to.
and lived together, lead an amazing dream.
and we woke up. like we were never supposed to.
and lived together, lead an amazing dream.
and we woke up. like we were never supposed to.
i named her Blue
Her eyes were blue.
today they were only outlined in blue.
feeling out of place.
this put her back in it.
I wish you wouldn't kill yourself anymore.
these days I cant even be around you at all.
or i'll feel desperate to save you.
sometimes I wish you were someone else.
I wish you knew.
you've got such beautiful eyes.
please keep them that way.
today they were only outlined in blue.
feeling out of place.
this put her back in it.
I wish you wouldn't kill yourself anymore.
these days I cant even be around you at all.
or i'll feel desperate to save you.
sometimes I wish you were someone else.
I wish you knew.
you've got such beautiful eyes.
please keep them that way.
"i am just the ashes..."
(Oct 1, 2001)
I knew those lyrics she sang weren't her own, but she sang them so impersonally to me,
as a promise that in the future she may have never seen me again.
"I wonder if i'll, ever see you again"
(Oct 16, 2001)
if you come by, come in, tell me,
so I can tell you to get the fuck out
hahahaha...but anyways... as we were.
Todays happy quote of the day is
"everyday I walk to work hoping that i'll get hit by a Hummer...or something."
some people you just never figure out.
so knock it the FUCK OFF!!! right?
leave me the fuck alone, right!?
you're getting too close...
well, you can have a Dixie cup, and you
can gargle my nuts.. Ho!
on a lighter note...
she said, "that's what e all said"
but that's what got me. that was the hey phrase.
{sometimes I write funny shit for the sake of reading it later, I guess}
I knew those lyrics she sang weren't her own, but she sang them so impersonally to me,
as a promise that in the future she may have never seen me again.
"I wonder if i'll, ever see you again"
(Oct 16, 2001)
if you come by, come in, tell me,
so I can tell you to get the fuck out
hahahaha...but anyways... as we were.
Todays happy quote of the day is
"everyday I walk to work hoping that i'll get hit by a Hummer...or something."
some people you just never figure out.
so knock it the FUCK OFF!!! right?
leave me the fuck alone, right!?
you're getting too close...
well, you can have a Dixie cup, and you
can gargle my nuts.. Ho!
on a lighter note...
she said, "that's what e all said"
but that's what got me. that was the hey phrase.
{sometimes I write funny shit for the sake of reading it later, I guess}
some stuff i wrote while on LSD in high school
(i was in my English class when I wrote this. tripping balls on acid. the date in my journal was sometime in april of 1999.)
i saw them all, and slowly, I began to See people.
I mean, really See people for what they were,
not for what you see on the outside
And I saw what colors had made us all up,
and the colors were fading behind the dropcloth
They all called their faces.
some I looked past.
and some looked into me.
but they all seemed so ugly
And they were demon-formed.
I looked right passed them to see the truth,
and I turned my head.
Some disappeared when the thought of being seen
for more than humans came to be. some disappeared,
and slowly faded, but you were all there.
They all looked so ugly,
But one, one that I confused, the one with the
evil face, but then again the face of the most
sweetest thing you ever saw, all blended into one.
Her.
I couldn't keep my eyes off of her...
Jenny.
i saw them all, and slowly, I began to See people.
I mean, really See people for what they were,
not for what you see on the outside
And I saw what colors had made us all up,
and the colors were fading behind the dropcloth
They all called their faces.
some I looked past.
and some looked into me.
but they all seemed so ugly
And they were demon-formed.
I looked right passed them to see the truth,
and I turned my head.
Some disappeared when the thought of being seen
for more than humans came to be. some disappeared,
and slowly faded, but you were all there.
They all looked so ugly,
But one, one that I confused, the one with the
evil face, but then again the face of the most
sweetest thing you ever saw, all blended into one.
Her.
I couldn't keep my eyes off of her...
Jenny.
intention
At Albuquerque's Le Cafe Miche, a teenage boy and his
girlfriend enjoyed a fancy Valentine's Day dinner. But when the check
came, the teenage Don Juan realized he was $40 short.
This was in the late '90s.The boy spoke to the restaurant's owner and chef, Claus Hjortkjaer. The kind Chef Claus took pity on the young man and gave him $40 from his own pocket. The boy paid his tab and left. Hjortkjaer never saw him again. Until now.
Last week, the mysterious diner returned to Hjortkjaer's newly reopened restaurant to pay off the debt—with interest. KOAT.com reports that the man walked in, asked to speak to Hjortkjaer, explained who he was and gave the generous chef a $100 bill.
"Sometimes it pays off to be a nice guy," Hjortkjaer told KOAT.com. "It made me feel good. I went and bought myself a bouquet of flowers."
Hjortkjaer never got the man's name, but the chef told KOAT.com he's welcome back to the restaurant for a glass of wine, on the house.
-krumboltz, mike. (2013, May 16). http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/man-returns-restaurant-pay-off-old-debt-195138682.html?vp=1
...this reminds me of my one of my favorite poems by Gary Soto
The first time I walked
With a girl, I was twelve,
Cold, and weighted down
With two oranges in my jacket.
December. Frost cracking
Beneath my steps, my breath
Before me, then gone,
As I walked toward
Her house, the one whose
Porch light burned yellow
Night and day, in any weather.
A dog barked at me, until
She came out pulling
At her gloves, face bright
With rouge. I smiled,
Touched her shoulder, and led
Her down the street, across
A used car lot and a line
Of newly planted trees,
Until we were breathing
Before a drugstore. We
Entered, the tiny bell
Bringing a saleslady
Down a narrow aisle of goods.
I turned to the candies
Tiered like bleachers,
And asked what she wanted -
Light in her eyes, a smile
Starting at the corners
Of her mouth. I fingered
A nickle in my pocket,
And when she lifted a chocolate
That cost a dime,
I didn’t say anything.
I took the nickle from
My pocket, then an orange,
And set them quietly on
The counter. When I looked up,
The lady’s eyes met mine,
And held them, knowing
Very well what it was all
About.
Outside,
A few cars hissing past,
Fog hanging like old
Coats between the trees.
I took my girl’s hand
In mine for two blocks,
Then released it to let
Her unwrap the chocolate.
I peeled my orange
That was so bright against
The gray of December
That, from some distance,
Someone might have thought
I was making a fire in my hands.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
quietly
Someone said they saw us both...
we were walking and laughing.
they heard us talking and called our names...
but we kept walking.
i woke up ten years later.
the hardest things are easiest said in a direct manner.
i keep everything inside and everyday i pretend to be fine.
sometimes i dont know what i am doing.
if it wasnt for ashley i'm sure i'd be in a gutter somewhere.
even now i feel like drifting away sometimes. and i stare at this screen and try my hardest to make others feel an unexplainable sadness i hold in my soul.
forgetting is easier.
we were walking and laughing.
they heard us talking and called our names...
but we kept walking.
i woke up ten years later.
the hardest things are easiest said in a direct manner.
i keep everything inside and everyday i pretend to be fine.
sometimes i dont know what i am doing.
if it wasnt for ashley i'm sure i'd be in a gutter somewhere.
even now i feel like drifting away sometimes. and i stare at this screen and try my hardest to make others feel an unexplainable sadness i hold in my soul.
forgetting is easier.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
unexposed film
it was thursday night and i had not eaten since breakfast so i decided, naturally, that shots were the best dinner i could have.
i don't remember how i left the restaurant, or how i got home.
i remember waking up in my bed with an outrageous hang over.
i had blacked out again.
i drank until i couldn't feel anything. again.
i woke up and felt the urge to leave. i always have this wild urge to leave here. to go somewhere that i don't really understand. i have had this urge since i was younger. now as a thirty year old man i manage to destroy my life in more subtle ways than i did when i was younger.
i grab my old white ipod and throw on a dirty shirt that i have no time to check for smell. i walk outside and the sun burns my eyes as if i was a newborn baby just learning to see. the sky is a brown haze, but i think it looks amazing for a hot california day.
i get in my car and plug in the ipod.
i start rifling through the songs and eventually settle on something i like. i drive off.
i don't really know where i am driving. and i have told no one where i have gone. as a matter of fact i think i have left my phone behind in my room.
good.
fuck everyone.
i drive off down the street and i make my way to the freeway... i'm still so hung over that i don't realize what freeway i got on. but i don't care.
the music plays and i turn it up. today is a music day.
i have always enjoyed listening to music in cars. i have spent many nights with the ones i love doing this very thing. i sing.
i always sing. i feel stupid sometimes when someone is in the car with me, but when i am alone i song. loud.
i drive further away from home and the music keeps playing.
i feel like i can't turn it up loud enough, sometimes.
i hear all my familiar favorites, and sometimes they seem to repeat, even though the ipod is on shuffle. stupid old ipod, hardly works but i still keep it around.
i drive and my eyes move toward the horizon. none of this looks familiar. i have been driving for hours now and i have no idea where i am.
there hasnt been a street sign for miles.
i suddenly worry about gas.
i'm going to run out of gas...i think to myself.
shit.
i look at the gauge and it says the tank is still full. i don't get it, but i don't care.
time passes and the songs keep playing in my car, then i hear my favorite song.
Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space the ladies voice says... and i swear i hear something i have never heard in the background of the song before. it sounds like someone says, "please come back". i think it's strange and i keep driving.
i turn it up and i sing. i sing the words like i do, all loud and strained. and i remember taking ashley to see Spiritualized and when they played this song all i could do was cry.
i am crying now.
the road ahead begins to shake away in my field of vision. the edges blur like some effect i have tried to achieve in one of the videos i have made for someone else. i can feel it leaving.
the road fades away completely and i cannot hear the music anymore.
...in my mind i feel like there is new information. like i can remember what happened that night i drank my self into oblivion.
that night i left the restaurant not knowing exactly where i was at. i was blacked out drunk and running away from something i hold inside my mind. i was hurting and i tried my hardest to numb it away.
i ran into the street. into traffic and was hit by a passing car.
the whole left side of my body smashed into the front of that car and i was thrown into the gutter like
all of the lazily penned dreams i have shoved into notebooks and left for no one to find.
the police found me barely breathing and broken in the gutter of a far away street. unconscious and bleeding. my glasses were gone. i had always made sure to know where my glasses had gone, even when i had been that drunk before.
i was loaded into the ambulance and had slipped into a coma before i had reached the emergency room.
my mother was my emergency contact but she was at work and far away so she called ashley in a panic and ashley came to find me.
when she saw me in that hospital room hooked up to all those machines with tubes down my throat to keep me breathing she shook so hard she passed out before she even made it to my side.
eventually after a day or two they were told to talk to me. so that i might wake up.
ashley knew how much i always listened to music wherever i was. i would even turn on the radio in the kitchen for the brief time it took me to get a glass of water. thats how much i loved music.
she brought my little ipod speakers and began to play me my favorite songs.
she never left my side and the music played around the clock, softly at night so as not to disturb anyone else. but it played.
this was the music i was hearing in my car.
i never made it home that night. i never got up and went for a drive. i never opened my eyes to see the sun on that bright May morning.
i had been in a dying mans dream. a dream on an endless loop where i never knew where i was going but i never cared either. a dream where i could hear my favorite songs play until the lights went out. until the road faded away.
i never woke up.
i faded away alone and in my own mind. just the way i wanted to.
it was the worst feeling i ever had the pleasure of having in my short life.
i never felt the last touch of my love. the one who cared for me so deeply that it ruined her. the one who brought music to me. so i would come back. and i couldn't even come back to her.
"please come back", she said to me.
my heart stopped beating soon after she spoke those words. just as Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space trailed off into it's own end.
i had chased that song for half of my life, and when i finally found it i couldn't share it with anyone.
i never woke up...
i don't remember how i left the restaurant, or how i got home.
i remember waking up in my bed with an outrageous hang over.
i had blacked out again.
i drank until i couldn't feel anything. again.
i woke up and felt the urge to leave. i always have this wild urge to leave here. to go somewhere that i don't really understand. i have had this urge since i was younger. now as a thirty year old man i manage to destroy my life in more subtle ways than i did when i was younger.
i grab my old white ipod and throw on a dirty shirt that i have no time to check for smell. i walk outside and the sun burns my eyes as if i was a newborn baby just learning to see. the sky is a brown haze, but i think it looks amazing for a hot california day.
i get in my car and plug in the ipod.
i start rifling through the songs and eventually settle on something i like. i drive off.
i don't really know where i am driving. and i have told no one where i have gone. as a matter of fact i think i have left my phone behind in my room.
good.
fuck everyone.
i drive off down the street and i make my way to the freeway... i'm still so hung over that i don't realize what freeway i got on. but i don't care.
the music plays and i turn it up. today is a music day.
i have always enjoyed listening to music in cars. i have spent many nights with the ones i love doing this very thing. i sing.
i always sing. i feel stupid sometimes when someone is in the car with me, but when i am alone i song. loud.
i drive further away from home and the music keeps playing.
i feel like i can't turn it up loud enough, sometimes.
i hear all my familiar favorites, and sometimes they seem to repeat, even though the ipod is on shuffle. stupid old ipod, hardly works but i still keep it around.
i drive and my eyes move toward the horizon. none of this looks familiar. i have been driving for hours now and i have no idea where i am.
there hasnt been a street sign for miles.
i suddenly worry about gas.
i'm going to run out of gas...i think to myself.
shit.
i look at the gauge and it says the tank is still full. i don't get it, but i don't care.
time passes and the songs keep playing in my car, then i hear my favorite song.
Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space the ladies voice says... and i swear i hear something i have never heard in the background of the song before. it sounds like someone says, "please come back". i think it's strange and i keep driving.
i turn it up and i sing. i sing the words like i do, all loud and strained. and i remember taking ashley to see Spiritualized and when they played this song all i could do was cry.
i am crying now.
the road ahead begins to shake away in my field of vision. the edges blur like some effect i have tried to achieve in one of the videos i have made for someone else. i can feel it leaving.
the road fades away completely and i cannot hear the music anymore.
...in my mind i feel like there is new information. like i can remember what happened that night i drank my self into oblivion.
that night i left the restaurant not knowing exactly where i was at. i was blacked out drunk and running away from something i hold inside my mind. i was hurting and i tried my hardest to numb it away.
i ran into the street. into traffic and was hit by a passing car.
the whole left side of my body smashed into the front of that car and i was thrown into the gutter like
all of the lazily penned dreams i have shoved into notebooks and left for no one to find.
the police found me barely breathing and broken in the gutter of a far away street. unconscious and bleeding. my glasses were gone. i had always made sure to know where my glasses had gone, even when i had been that drunk before.
i was loaded into the ambulance and had slipped into a coma before i had reached the emergency room.
my mother was my emergency contact but she was at work and far away so she called ashley in a panic and ashley came to find me.
when she saw me in that hospital room hooked up to all those machines with tubes down my throat to keep me breathing she shook so hard she passed out before she even made it to my side.
eventually after a day or two they were told to talk to me. so that i might wake up.
ashley knew how much i always listened to music wherever i was. i would even turn on the radio in the kitchen for the brief time it took me to get a glass of water. thats how much i loved music.
she brought my little ipod speakers and began to play me my favorite songs.
she never left my side and the music played around the clock, softly at night so as not to disturb anyone else. but it played.
this was the music i was hearing in my car.
i never made it home that night. i never got up and went for a drive. i never opened my eyes to see the sun on that bright May morning.
i had been in a dying mans dream. a dream on an endless loop where i never knew where i was going but i never cared either. a dream where i could hear my favorite songs play until the lights went out. until the road faded away.
i never woke up.
i faded away alone and in my own mind. just the way i wanted to.
it was the worst feeling i ever had the pleasure of having in my short life.
i never felt the last touch of my love. the one who cared for me so deeply that it ruined her. the one who brought music to me. so i would come back. and i couldn't even come back to her.
"please come back", she said to me.
my heart stopped beating soon after she spoke those words. just as Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space trailed off into it's own end.
i had chased that song for half of my life, and when i finally found it i couldn't share it with anyone.
i never woke up...
when we rise it's like strawberry fields, (Vi la noche llegar mucho antes de las seis)
from 5-03-2002
it's not fair.
you can't do this to me.
i told you we couldn't be friends if we ever broke up.
i told you. and you didn't want to believe me.
how could you put me here.
today was your birthday. and no i didn't call you.
i couldn't. i'm too selfish and it's too fucking depressing.
you don't know. you don't.
but you made me promise.
now i'm stuck.
i can't move in your empty embrace. and i wonder what it'll be like
when i look in your face.
"i'm in trouble now...all because of you."
it's not fair.
you can't do this to me.
i told you we couldn't be friends if we ever broke up.
i told you. and you didn't want to believe me.
how could you put me here.
today was your birthday. and no i didn't call you.
i couldn't. i'm too selfish and it's too fucking depressing.
you don't know. you don't.
but you made me promise.
now i'm stuck.
i can't move in your empty embrace. and i wonder what it'll be like
when i look in your face.
"i'm in trouble now...all because of you."
flaccid in the face of vagina
the first time i had sex i was 16, but some back story is needed first.
when i was in high school the internet was a new thing, and so was having a computer in your house. if you had a computer you had ONE computer and it sat somewhere out in the open. it required a telephone line to get onto the internet (which at that time was AOL or nothing). if someone called the house while you were on the internet it would kick you off. the internet usage was by minutes, much like cell phones are now.
there were these things called "chat rooms". in these chat rooms people would go to talk about common interests or topics. the one we frequented was called orange county. it was usually full and there would often be 3 or 4 separate rooms to accommodate all the people trying to get in to "chat".
you would go blindly into these rooms and ask "a/s/l/?" and people would answer things like 46/m/ca. or some shit like that. ha.
if you got lucky you could meet girls there. thats where alfredo came in.
we would go home directly after school and get right on the computer. one day we got into the OC room and actually met some girls. now once you met some "girls" you traded shitty quality pictures because cameras still used film, and the digital cameras that did exist had shitty resolution and were super expensive. so you had to get a hard copy picture of yourself and scan it to send it to girls and they had to do the same. well, these girls we met were fun sounding and alfredo eventually got their phone number because it was actually easier to talk on the phone than to talk on the computer.
one girl was named laura and the other was siobhan, they were giggly and taking turns yelling into the phone and giggling as we wondered when we would meet.
alfredo being the smooth pimp he was at the tender age of 15 got them to meet us at the local mall one weekend.
at this time in life i had green spikes that were about 4 inches tall and was skinny and damn handsome if i do say so myself. i wore the same blue hoodie with the thumb holes in it everyday. and i was still no good at talking to girls. but i went as wingman for my friend.
we take the family van and go to he mall. when we arrive we have to basically find them because cell phones were a thing of the future at this time. we found them finally and started talking. alfredo talked to laura and i talked to siobhan. if you can call it that. she was super shy but i thought she was pretty.
she was an irish girl with these sad eyes and light brown hair... and like the song says, i can't remember if they're green or if they're blue. but i liked her immediately.
the details aren't important, but we started dating after alfredo had fucked and discarded laura just as 15 year old boys with cars do.
we were a couple months into our relationship when she came to my house one day after school.
we used to sit on the couch in the living room and talk and flirt and slightly touch each other a little more each time while wondering where today would end up and feeling the newness of life floating all around us. that day i found my nerve somewhere and asked her if she wanted to go into my room.
now i had lied to girls before about my level of sexual experience but i told her the truth a few weekends prior when i found out (in alfredos van, while he was out fucking laura in mile square park at night) she was a virgin. i told her that i was too and we sat awkwardly in the van knowing what was going on in a field not too far away under the moonless sky.
we walked into my pathetic room where i slept on my sisters old twin size bed and had shit strewn about everywhere. i led her to the bed because even then i had strategically not put chairs in my room so people would have to sit on the bed or the floor if they needed to sit.
i had no idea what i was doing.
up to this point i had made out with her, i had been up her shirt, and slightly seen the actual treasures she held in her shirt for me but i had never touched a girl and didn't exactly know what to do in that department.
i remember making out and eventually getting in her pants, and awkwardly asking if she wanted to do it. she replied that she did if i did.
this threw me back.
i didn't really expect her to say yes. so i lost all my nerve and got super nervous.
so much that i actually had to go into the bathroom and give myself a Dirk Diggler style pep talk so i could get ready to go back in there and do what i imagined would make me a man.
i went back in there and things led to the moment. the TV was watching us in the background and the little noises she made she would later confide in me were because "it hurt like a bitch". we had sex for what seemed like an eternity to me due to that fact that i was so nervous i couldn't cum for the life of me, so because i had a condom on i just stopped eventually and she didn't know any better because she was a virgin just like i was.
i had become a man.
i didn't feel like a man at all. i felt nervous still... had she enjoyed it? did i do it right? would she want to do it again? did i put the damn rubber on right?
i felt like i had stepped into something that i had no idea how to explain.
i lost my virginity in a manner that, to me, was ideal. she was my girlfriend and i loved her for a few of Vivaldi's seasons before i ruined everything like i would do for every relationship after she walked home for the last time.
i loved an irish girl and she loved me back, i just didn't know how to let her love me back.
i have loved many ladies since then, and some i don't even remember, but i'll never forget the way she looked the first time i convinced myself that i was ready to take on a world i didn't understand and wouldn't understand for many years after that.
...our song was glycerine.
when i was in high school the internet was a new thing, and so was having a computer in your house. if you had a computer you had ONE computer and it sat somewhere out in the open. it required a telephone line to get onto the internet (which at that time was AOL or nothing). if someone called the house while you were on the internet it would kick you off. the internet usage was by minutes, much like cell phones are now.
there were these things called "chat rooms". in these chat rooms people would go to talk about common interests or topics. the one we frequented was called orange county. it was usually full and there would often be 3 or 4 separate rooms to accommodate all the people trying to get in to "chat".
you would go blindly into these rooms and ask "a/s/l/?" and people would answer things like 46/m/ca. or some shit like that. ha.
if you got lucky you could meet girls there. thats where alfredo came in.
we would go home directly after school and get right on the computer. one day we got into the OC room and actually met some girls. now once you met some "girls" you traded shitty quality pictures because cameras still used film, and the digital cameras that did exist had shitty resolution and were super expensive. so you had to get a hard copy picture of yourself and scan it to send it to girls and they had to do the same. well, these girls we met were fun sounding and alfredo eventually got their phone number because it was actually easier to talk on the phone than to talk on the computer.
one girl was named laura and the other was siobhan, they were giggly and taking turns yelling into the phone and giggling as we wondered when we would meet.
alfredo being the smooth pimp he was at the tender age of 15 got them to meet us at the local mall one weekend.
at this time in life i had green spikes that were about 4 inches tall and was skinny and damn handsome if i do say so myself. i wore the same blue hoodie with the thumb holes in it everyday. and i was still no good at talking to girls. but i went as wingman for my friend.
we take the family van and go to he mall. when we arrive we have to basically find them because cell phones were a thing of the future at this time. we found them finally and started talking. alfredo talked to laura and i talked to siobhan. if you can call it that. she was super shy but i thought she was pretty.
she was an irish girl with these sad eyes and light brown hair... and like the song says, i can't remember if they're green or if they're blue. but i liked her immediately.
the details aren't important, but we started dating after alfredo had fucked and discarded laura just as 15 year old boys with cars do.
we were a couple months into our relationship when she came to my house one day after school.
we used to sit on the couch in the living room and talk and flirt and slightly touch each other a little more each time while wondering where today would end up and feeling the newness of life floating all around us. that day i found my nerve somewhere and asked her if she wanted to go into my room.
now i had lied to girls before about my level of sexual experience but i told her the truth a few weekends prior when i found out (in alfredos van, while he was out fucking laura in mile square park at night) she was a virgin. i told her that i was too and we sat awkwardly in the van knowing what was going on in a field not too far away under the moonless sky.
we walked into my pathetic room where i slept on my sisters old twin size bed and had shit strewn about everywhere. i led her to the bed because even then i had strategically not put chairs in my room so people would have to sit on the bed or the floor if they needed to sit.
i had no idea what i was doing.
up to this point i had made out with her, i had been up her shirt, and slightly seen the actual treasures she held in her shirt for me but i had never touched a girl and didn't exactly know what to do in that department.
i remember making out and eventually getting in her pants, and awkwardly asking if she wanted to do it. she replied that she did if i did.
this threw me back.
i didn't really expect her to say yes. so i lost all my nerve and got super nervous.
so much that i actually had to go into the bathroom and give myself a Dirk Diggler style pep talk so i could get ready to go back in there and do what i imagined would make me a man.
i went back in there and things led to the moment. the TV was watching us in the background and the little noises she made she would later confide in me were because "it hurt like a bitch". we had sex for what seemed like an eternity to me due to that fact that i was so nervous i couldn't cum for the life of me, so because i had a condom on i just stopped eventually and she didn't know any better because she was a virgin just like i was.
i had become a man.
i didn't feel like a man at all. i felt nervous still... had she enjoyed it? did i do it right? would she want to do it again? did i put the damn rubber on right?
i felt like i had stepped into something that i had no idea how to explain.
i lost my virginity in a manner that, to me, was ideal. she was my girlfriend and i loved her for a few of Vivaldi's seasons before i ruined everything like i would do for every relationship after she walked home for the last time.
i loved an irish girl and she loved me back, i just didn't know how to let her love me back.
i have loved many ladies since then, and some i don't even remember, but i'll never forget the way she looked the first time i convinced myself that i was ready to take on a world i didn't understand and wouldn't understand for many years after that.
...our song was glycerine.
come pick me up...take me out...fuck me up...steal my records...screw all my friends...
the first time i ever really kissed a girl i was in middle school. i don't remember if it was 7th or 8th grade, but it was middle school. i was a nice guy back then.
i used to do nice things for girls and watch my friend's girlfriends when they didn't go to school and shit like that. i was an all around nice guy, so naturally i did not have a girlfriend.
i had this friend kamran who was a dick. and one day in class he took this girls winnie the pooh backpack keychain thing and shoved it in his mouth.
she was disgusted and pissed off at him and since he was my friend i offered to take it home and wash it for her. i don't really remember now but i must have liked her enough to do something like that.
so i took the little stuffed animal home and washed it. it cost me money because we lived in a place that had a common laundry room, but i did it anyway.
she was so happy that i had washed her little trinket that she hugged me. i didn't know what to do.
soon after we started walking home. i would walk with her to her house and then walk my ass all the rest of the way to my house (which was pretty far from hers).
as things work in middle school, everyone noticed that we were hanging out so the powers of school politics decided that we should be an item.
one day i asked her to be my girlfriend.
she said yes.
i had never had a girlfriend before so i had no idea what any of this meant, or why things had to change. i enjoyed our time together during school and walking with her after school. i just got to do those things and maybe hold her hand now too.
my friends (who already had girlfriends) gave me so much shit all the time about it though. every time she would come to where we were at they would say shit like, "look out, the boss is coming". then they would laugh. i never understood that.
i'm a fucking ass, but i was a sensitive kid.
one day the last bell rang and the kids all rushed the gate like a tsunami of needing to be somewhere else, and we were left standing in the middle. she said she had to go so i gave her a hug and then she leaned over to kiss me. i wasn't ready for that. nor did i want our first kiss to be a rushed affair in the midst of a frantic rush to get home.
she turned her head and went in. she managed to awkwardly kiss the side of my mouth and my cheek at the same time. it was terrible. but it had happened.
these are the things you can't undo.
she looked at me in a kind of disbelief and turned to leave.
i said nothing.
the people walked around me and past me and i was left there thinking that i wasn't ready. i didn't expect it nor did i want it to turn out that way at all.
i'm not a girl so i never imagined what my first kiss would be like, but i knew that wasn't it.
i don't think she ever tried to kiss me again. and i was too much of a bitch to do anything about it.
we broke up soon after that. and all of a sudden there was no one to walk home with.
i finished middle school and we both went to different high schools, but years later i was standing in the old tower records store listening to a CD on the big wall of music they used to have when a girl walking behind me dropped a whole cup full of starbucks coffee. it splattered all over the floor and as i turned around i knew i was staring into the face of the girl whom i used to walk home with all those years ago.
she didn't recognize me. and if she did we didn't speak.
she just looked awfully embarrassed and turned to run out of the store.
i would never have thought that i'd see her again. especially not like that.
i dated no one else in middle school. but something changed in me. slightly. i did start flirting with girls more often and continued to fall in love at every chance i got. but my first and only kiss in middle school belonged to a girl named Faith. i walked with faith and it changed my life.
i used to do nice things for girls and watch my friend's girlfriends when they didn't go to school and shit like that. i was an all around nice guy, so naturally i did not have a girlfriend.
i had this friend kamran who was a dick. and one day in class he took this girls winnie the pooh backpack keychain thing and shoved it in his mouth.
she was disgusted and pissed off at him and since he was my friend i offered to take it home and wash it for her. i don't really remember now but i must have liked her enough to do something like that.
so i took the little stuffed animal home and washed it. it cost me money because we lived in a place that had a common laundry room, but i did it anyway.
she was so happy that i had washed her little trinket that she hugged me. i didn't know what to do.
soon after we started walking home. i would walk with her to her house and then walk my ass all the rest of the way to my house (which was pretty far from hers).
as things work in middle school, everyone noticed that we were hanging out so the powers of school politics decided that we should be an item.
one day i asked her to be my girlfriend.
she said yes.
i had never had a girlfriend before so i had no idea what any of this meant, or why things had to change. i enjoyed our time together during school and walking with her after school. i just got to do those things and maybe hold her hand now too.
my friends (who already had girlfriends) gave me so much shit all the time about it though. every time she would come to where we were at they would say shit like, "look out, the boss is coming". then they would laugh. i never understood that.
i'm a fucking ass, but i was a sensitive kid.
one day the last bell rang and the kids all rushed the gate like a tsunami of needing to be somewhere else, and we were left standing in the middle. she said she had to go so i gave her a hug and then she leaned over to kiss me. i wasn't ready for that. nor did i want our first kiss to be a rushed affair in the midst of a frantic rush to get home.
she turned her head and went in. she managed to awkwardly kiss the side of my mouth and my cheek at the same time. it was terrible. but it had happened.
these are the things you can't undo.
she looked at me in a kind of disbelief and turned to leave.
i said nothing.
the people walked around me and past me and i was left there thinking that i wasn't ready. i didn't expect it nor did i want it to turn out that way at all.
i'm not a girl so i never imagined what my first kiss would be like, but i knew that wasn't it.
i don't think she ever tried to kiss me again. and i was too much of a bitch to do anything about it.
we broke up soon after that. and all of a sudden there was no one to walk home with.
i finished middle school and we both went to different high schools, but years later i was standing in the old tower records store listening to a CD on the big wall of music they used to have when a girl walking behind me dropped a whole cup full of starbucks coffee. it splattered all over the floor and as i turned around i knew i was staring into the face of the girl whom i used to walk home with all those years ago.
she didn't recognize me. and if she did we didn't speak.
she just looked awfully embarrassed and turned to run out of the store.
i would never have thought that i'd see her again. especially not like that.
i dated no one else in middle school. but something changed in me. slightly. i did start flirting with girls more often and continued to fall in love at every chance i got. but my first and only kiss in middle school belonged to a girl named Faith. i walked with faith and it changed my life.
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