making new friends is terrible

     i was at the bar last night with some classmates.
i have has class with these people for 2 semesters now. we hang out after class on thursday night and have drinks or we sit in their cars and i watch as they smoke pot, because i don't smoke.

but we hang out. and it's fun.

     this last week was the last day of school.
after finishing our finals and getting our grades we decided to go celebrate or cry about it across the street at the bar. we had some beers and played pool. i hadn't played pool in years. i usually get out of it by being the odd numbered person, so there's always teams and i don't have to join in.

     we played pool and joked around.

after the game was over and some time had passed we decided it was time to go our separate ways.

     this was pretty much the last time we were going to see each other because the classes we needed to take before getting into the radiology program were done with. i myself was not going to be attending summer school and may not even be attending next semester. if i was, i wouldn't be seeing these people anymore anyways.

     everyone starts talking about seeing each other next thursday or any other day in the future and i start saying that when people say shit like that it usually isn't true.

At least for me it isn't.

i didn't plan on seeing them again. i also didn't say goodbye.

i understand the way people are. And maybe a couple of them may still remain friends and talk to each other, but i won't.

i find it hard to make new friends.

i have had the same core set of friends for years now and i don't care to make new ones.


people are terrible.


...eventually you have to talk to them. and eventually you find things out about them, or they find things out about you. i don't enjoy divulging aspects of my life to people. i can barely communicate with my girlfriend of 5 years so it doesn't make sense to me to attempt to share myself with some people i hardly know.


so i leave.

i leave and i never look back. total war.


i don't want to tell you about myself. i don't want to like you. i don't want to hang out. i don't want to worry.

i don't want to miss you.


i find making new friends to be terrible.

so i left the bar and got into my car and will probably never see any of them again. this isn't middle school.

     i don't care.

someone once said i have a dual life. it was an attack.

i agree with that person now.


in one life i can't stop thinking about the past.
in one life i can't help but imagine the future and the end.