An Army vet gave a speech today in my comm. class about ways to help veterans by volunteering and such. i can't listen to something like that without feeling sad.
As i was sitting there i wondered what it would be like if my cousin had come home. if instead of dying, only several of his closest buddies had died.
would he be the same person anymore? would he talk to me about it?
how would i have turned out?
would i be better off mentally?
i imagine that we would have traded places and he would be the one putting on the show and breaking down backstage.
He would be carrying that burden.
My cousin hid a sensitive side, much like i do
i couldn't imagine him being able to deal with the aftermath of that day in march.
it sounds terrible, but i feel that it was better that they all died together that day.
i was left to carry a burden i have ultimate difficulty explaining to my loved ones and it strains my relationships.
How do i explain that i stood in the back of the mortuary while my family huddled and cried over a flag draped metal box. That my protector lay inside there, broken forever. that reporters mobbed the guy in the dress blues, walking into the viewing. that i had no idea what to do, or how to feel.
that when i finally walked down that aisle, the whole room held their breath and watched as i shook and tried to hold myself together.
i laid a single, white-gloved hand on that metal box and lost my shit. in front of all my family. i dont know exactly how long i was up there.
everything went away.
it was many years ago again. i had just washed my dad's truck.
with the money from that i had enough to walk the mile or so to get some Mcdonalds.
on the way there a truck filled with gangsters stopped in the middle of the
street to stare us down.
my cousin pushed me away and stood between me and
the gangsters.
without a second thought.
the memory faded away and i was standing there again. in front of everyone.
just me and him.
i dont remember much of that day.
As we were leaving, i was sitting in a car, probably sam's car... and a big lifted truck pulled up next to us at a red light and yelled, "Fuck Marines!" before driving off.
yeah.
Fuck Marines.
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