Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sometimes i go out by myself, and i look across the water...
when I was in high school I was in love with this girl named Valerie for a heart beat or two.
She was a real tomboy-looking girl with this pretty face that didn't really match anything else about her.
I remember her in the kind of tight black pants that are cool in present times (except they weren't see through back then) and wearing some big ass skater shoes that matched her ears, which always stuck out through her hair.
she had this scratchy voice like Emma Stone, Jennifer Tilly, or Eliza Dushku, and I had always been a fan of that, even in my high school times. I remember just wanting to listen to her talk, even if it wasn't to me.
I remember one time a few of us were standing in the commons or whatever it was called where everyone hung out during lunch. we had this little are surrounded by some lockers that opened up on the third side to accommodate a table for some of us to sit. I usually stood.
I remember it was around the time that kids figured out you could turn a can of keyboard cleaner upside down and suck on it to "get high". This day I was watching our small group pass around this can when it came to Valerie. She grabbed it, turned it upside down and sucked in a giant breath of propellant. I remember the next part even now, over ten years later.
She moved the can away from her lips, turned pale, and fell to the floor in what was called "flopping" back then (since you looked like a freshly caught fish when it happened) because it happened so much that it acquired a proper name.
When the other kids standing around us saw what happened, they left. They took off like they didn't want to get caught or be responsible for what had happened, or because they were turds down inside. And I was left standing there with a girl passed out at my feet who I had a crush on.
I quickly picked her up and sat her on one of the now empty chairs all around us. As I pushed some dark hair out of her face she asked me what happened. I told her that she had passed out from inhaling that shit and she looked up at me, embarrassed. that kind of embarrassment that comes after you did something you know was stupid in front of other people.
After a while she was well enough to get up and go back to class eventually.
I'd like to say that we became friends and talked more often after that, but we didn't. I liked her and I wanted to save her, and when I had my chance, I picked her up and sent her away.
All I have left of that time now is a terrible yearbook photo and a red backpack just like the one I used throughout high school.
But I still remember her sometimes, barely as tall as my chest, hair in a sloppy pony tail, raspy voice laughing at something a bit harder than everyone else around her.
That was Valerie.
She was a real tomboy-looking girl with this pretty face that didn't really match anything else about her.
I remember her in the kind of tight black pants that are cool in present times (except they weren't see through back then) and wearing some big ass skater shoes that matched her ears, which always stuck out through her hair.
she had this scratchy voice like Emma Stone, Jennifer Tilly, or Eliza Dushku, and I had always been a fan of that, even in my high school times. I remember just wanting to listen to her talk, even if it wasn't to me.
I remember one time a few of us were standing in the commons or whatever it was called where everyone hung out during lunch. we had this little are surrounded by some lockers that opened up on the third side to accommodate a table for some of us to sit. I usually stood.
I remember it was around the time that kids figured out you could turn a can of keyboard cleaner upside down and suck on it to "get high". This day I was watching our small group pass around this can when it came to Valerie. She grabbed it, turned it upside down and sucked in a giant breath of propellant. I remember the next part even now, over ten years later.
She moved the can away from her lips, turned pale, and fell to the floor in what was called "flopping" back then (since you looked like a freshly caught fish when it happened) because it happened so much that it acquired a proper name.
When the other kids standing around us saw what happened, they left. They took off like they didn't want to get caught or be responsible for what had happened, or because they were turds down inside. And I was left standing there with a girl passed out at my feet who I had a crush on.
I quickly picked her up and sat her on one of the now empty chairs all around us. As I pushed some dark hair out of her face she asked me what happened. I told her that she had passed out from inhaling that shit and she looked up at me, embarrassed. that kind of embarrassment that comes after you did something you know was stupid in front of other people.
After a while she was well enough to get up and go back to class eventually.
I'd like to say that we became friends and talked more often after that, but we didn't. I liked her and I wanted to save her, and when I had my chance, I picked her up and sent her away.
All I have left of that time now is a terrible yearbook photo and a red backpack just like the one I used throughout high school.
But I still remember her sometimes, barely as tall as my chest, hair in a sloppy pony tail, raspy voice laughing at something a bit harder than everyone else around her.
That was Valerie.
Friday, May 9, 2014
more old shit
thinking about our younger years... there was nothing else.
it was you, me, and a world against us. or so we thought.
i remember the fights.. and tears.. and words i said..
but i don't have to.
and although we aren't friends anymore... it doesn't matter.
this is what it takes to get to where we are supposed to be.
there's a price to pay for everything.
and even though the blame lies with me...
sometimes i miss your electric blue eyes.
if the eyes are the windows to the soul.. i'm afraid i had been staring at a wall the whole time.
love doesn't go away.. it just goes somewhere else.
love is energy... and you cannot create or destroy energy.
our love is in the memories we have made, and the letters, and pictures.. and old kisses, and touches. all neatly placed in a box and hidden away somewhere.
this isn't hard to see.
but you actually have to think about it.
and although i wouldn't go back to that time... i wouldn't change it either.
(end with a quote)
"god only knows what i'd be without you"
it was you, me, and a world against us. or so we thought.
i remember the fights.. and tears.. and words i said..
but i don't have to.
and although we aren't friends anymore... it doesn't matter.
this is what it takes to get to where we are supposed to be.
there's a price to pay for everything.
and even though the blame lies with me...
sometimes i miss your electric blue eyes.
if the eyes are the windows to the soul.. i'm afraid i had been staring at a wall the whole time.
love doesn't go away.. it just goes somewhere else.
love is energy... and you cannot create or destroy energy.
our love is in the memories we have made, and the letters, and pictures.. and old kisses, and touches. all neatly placed in a box and hidden away somewhere.
this isn't hard to see.
but you actually have to think about it.
and although i wouldn't go back to that time... i wouldn't change it either.
(end with a quote)
"god only knows what i'd be without you"
going through some old shit. maybe you've seen it before.
she's a girl, who made me ashamed of my torn pants, a girl i crank called. when she
reached her hand to me i just turned her down.
she's a girl, who was moving faster than i wanted to. once i got her, i didnt know what to
do with her. she lasted shorter than i meant her to.
she's a girl, who played violin, and could never make up her mind. she never let me kiss
her, someone else did instead. i used to write for her.
she's a girl, who was a man's initials. she held my arm and walked me down the hall. i
remember her face like an eternally setting sun.
she's a girl, who was lost and tried to find her way back with her body. i lied to her
about mine. we never kissed. but she more than kissed my friend.
she's a girl, who was a friend, to another girl. she stole my 1st kiss. along with my
1st touch, and cried when i left.
she's a girl, with buckles on her shoes, who sat with me on tower 6, and waited till i was
ready. i stole her 1st time. she held me up when i needed her most... and then never
returned.
she's a girl, who was a hoodrat. she said i was fine, and gave me her picture.
i was so shy, i couldnt let her in.
she's a girl, who i laughed at, and played with her hair. she made my friends
jealous... and sent me cookies while I was in bootcamp. we laid on her carpet, and painted everything blue. when i went away... so did she.
she's a girl who saw me at a poetry reading, and caught me in the hall. she kissed me in
that same hall, and loved me from far. she was a terrible friend. but always wrote to me
when i needed her most.
she's a girl who wore glasses, and had straight dark black hair. she wanted her
boyfriend to be more like me. but she didnt want me.
she's a girl, who was my friends girl. she came with me to vegas, we slept in he same bed.
i was her addiction. when the habit was over, all i had was my guitar.
she's a girl who gave herself away to everyone but me. we traded books and memories. i
played her my guitar. she kissed me when i was drunk.
she's a girl who liked the beatles, and played the piano. i asked her to be mine...
but i wasnt hers. mixing anger and longing, we shared a cigarette, and a subconscious
goodbye.
she's a girl, who was my sisters friend. i saw her when i came down the stairs, and
time settled there. when the truth became evident, neither heart was spared.
she's a girl i met in a different state. she let me sleep in her bed. Makers bar was
our hideout, till i got in that car.
she's a girl who i met twice, both times in different states. she kissed my face in a
bar.. a year later we met again. strangers asked if we were married. i took a cab
home from her hotel, and we never spoke again.
she's a girl who came slowly, but the wind took her away. i was dressed as a bunny, she
was dressed as a myth. i had no way to see her, and she fluttered away.
she's a girl who i met online, under the guise of intelligence. she was drunk when it
happened, then she shit on my dreams. she let me go with a letter... left on my pillow
like a mint.
she's a girl who i ruined, with my rough heavy hands. we were living in secrets. she
took me to my dreams, and i turned away to be alone.
she's a girl who i saw through. when i told her she laughed, on the inside she cried.
we were happy one season, when the time changed we died.
she's a girl who i noticed, from across the room. we had almost been meeting, but the time
wasnt right. i asked her to save me. maybe i was asking the truth. pumpkins on that warm
blanket, i was still cold inside.
reached her hand to me i just turned her down.
she's a girl, who was moving faster than i wanted to. once i got her, i didnt know what to
do with her. she lasted shorter than i meant her to.
she's a girl, who played violin, and could never make up her mind. she never let me kiss
her, someone else did instead. i used to write for her.
she's a girl, who was a man's initials. she held my arm and walked me down the hall. i
remember her face like an eternally setting sun.
she's a girl, who was lost and tried to find her way back with her body. i lied to her
about mine. we never kissed. but she more than kissed my friend.
she's a girl, who was a friend, to another girl. she stole my 1st kiss. along with my
1st touch, and cried when i left.
she's a girl, with buckles on her shoes, who sat with me on tower 6, and waited till i was
ready. i stole her 1st time. she held me up when i needed her most... and then never
returned.
she's a girl, who was a hoodrat. she said i was fine, and gave me her picture.
i was so shy, i couldnt let her in.
she's a girl, who i laughed at, and played with her hair. she made my friends
jealous... and sent me cookies while I was in bootcamp. we laid on her carpet, and painted everything blue. when i went away... so did she.
she's a girl who saw me at a poetry reading, and caught me in the hall. she kissed me in
that same hall, and loved me from far. she was a terrible friend. but always wrote to me
when i needed her most.
she's a girl who wore glasses, and had straight dark black hair. she wanted her
boyfriend to be more like me. but she didnt want me.
she's a girl, who was my friends girl. she came with me to vegas, we slept in he same bed.
i was her addiction. when the habit was over, all i had was my guitar.
she's a girl who gave herself away to everyone but me. we traded books and memories. i
played her my guitar. she kissed me when i was drunk.
she's a girl who liked the beatles, and played the piano. i asked her to be mine...
but i wasnt hers. mixing anger and longing, we shared a cigarette, and a subconscious
goodbye.
she's a girl, who was my sisters friend. i saw her when i came down the stairs, and
time settled there. when the truth became evident, neither heart was spared.
she's a girl i met in a different state. she let me sleep in her bed. Makers bar was
our hideout, till i got in that car.
she's a girl who i met twice, both times in different states. she kissed my face in a
bar.. a year later we met again. strangers asked if we were married. i took a cab
home from her hotel, and we never spoke again.
she's a girl who came slowly, but the wind took her away. i was dressed as a bunny, she
was dressed as a myth. i had no way to see her, and she fluttered away.
she's a girl who i met online, under the guise of intelligence. she was drunk when it
happened, then she shit on my dreams. she let me go with a letter... left on my pillow
like a mint.
she's a girl who i ruined, with my rough heavy hands. we were living in secrets. she
took me to my dreams, and i turned away to be alone.
she's a girl who i saw through. when i told her she laughed, on the inside she cried.
we were happy one season, when the time changed we died.
she's a girl who i noticed, from across the room. we had almost been meeting, but the time
wasnt right. i asked her to save me. maybe i was asking the truth. pumpkins on that warm
blanket, i was still cold inside.
something old and faded
rain on your windows
thoughts leading dreams
cobalt and fading
eyes glittering
crimson creators
seductively curve
static attraction
recharge and burn
resting on pale silk
shocks of rose red
all things seductive
blind in the end
sunset caresses
playing like streams
undamaged landscapes
senses release
cobalt and fading
eyes beckoning
rain on souls windows
thoughts leading dreams
thoughts leading dreams
cobalt and fading
eyes glittering
crimson creators
seductively curve
static attraction
recharge and burn
resting on pale silk
shocks of rose red
all things seductive
blind in the end
sunset caresses
playing like streams
undamaged landscapes
senses release
cobalt and fading
eyes beckoning
rain on souls windows
thoughts leading dreams
Thursday, May 8, 2014
last year
i am drunk.
last year, around this time... i was getting almost arrested because i was so drunk and apparently walking out in public at 3 or 4 AM that the cops picked me up and almost arrested me. i was upset because something that i knew would happen, happened.
this year. around this time, i find it hard to be any different, besides the fact that i am not in the back of a cop car.
this is not an accomplishment. the reward will come when i have completed the entire process and have secured a job. there is nothing to celebrate yet.
i have zero accomplishments.
none.
so this is my final push to make something of myself.
i was a turd when i was in high school and i'm a turd now. the only difference is i know how to recognize that now.
i live with my mother, i am responsible for nothing, i can do nothing.
I
AM
NOTHING.
last year, around this time... i was getting almost arrested because i was so drunk and apparently walking out in public at 3 or 4 AM that the cops picked me up and almost arrested me. i was upset because something that i knew would happen, happened.
this year. around this time, i find it hard to be any different, besides the fact that i am not in the back of a cop car.
this is not an accomplishment. the reward will come when i have completed the entire process and have secured a job. there is nothing to celebrate yet.
i have zero accomplishments.
none.
so this is my final push to make something of myself.
i was a turd when i was in high school and i'm a turd now. the only difference is i know how to recognize that now.
i live with my mother, i am responsible for nothing, i can do nothing.
I
AM
NOTHING.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
I'm getting tired of starting again... somewhere new. again.
I guess what I want to say is that sometimes you lose friends and there's something that can be done about it, and sometimes you lose friends and there's nothing you can do about it.
nothing within reason at least.
in the movies there's always some bullshit great length that can be traversed in order to right the wrong. but in real life, things just don't work that way. I've lived my life like a novel that Hemingway threw in the garbage, I just picked it out and read it with rose colored glasses.
the funny thing is that I kept reading the same part over and over again, but only sometimes did I get any feeling out of it.
you know, we went out to the bar and I paid for everything because at that time in history I was ahead. and we drank like we would never see each other again...
and in a way, we didn't.
nothing within reason at least.
in the movies there's always some bullshit great length that can be traversed in order to right the wrong. but in real life, things just don't work that way. I've lived my life like a novel that Hemingway threw in the garbage, I just picked it out and read it with rose colored glasses.
the funny thing is that I kept reading the same part over and over again, but only sometimes did I get any feeling out of it.
you know, we went out to the bar and I paid for everything because at that time in history I was ahead. and we drank like we would never see each other again...
and in a way, we didn't.
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