the hour of power

 Practicing for the Century club.

 

 

 

 

 

we will read them when we forget why we left.

     every once in a while I get into an honest and revealing mood.


this is not one of those times.

     so i'm just going to leave some disjointed partial sentences or confessions, and my readers (i'm sure there's about 3, and they're all girls) can figure out if I am talking about them or not, since that is always the problem I have had with these things.



     but f1rst.




Ashley asked me the other day why it was so easy for me to disconnect my emotions.

     I thought about it for a while then I said.... when I was a little boy, maybe 6-years-old, my mom sat me down in the kitchen and explained to me that her and my dad were getting a divorce.

     I instantly burst into tears. i'm not really sure why. maybe I thought our family was doing good at that time, in my youth stained vision. but, I cried. and my mom asked me who I wanted to live with, to which I replied that I wanted to live with her.

     (on a side note; years later, my mom admitted that she only stayed with my father because of us, the kids. she endured what she didn't have to in order to have us grow up in a two parent family. I felt like such an asshole.)


    then I went on to say that my emotions have always gotten the best of me, and people don't like that. they don't like knowing that something they said or did, or didn't do made someone else feel emotions. it's actually ridiculous. 

     I went on to tell her that throughout my life I had to learn to kill my emotions so people wouldn't feel uncomfortable. also, so I wouldn't end up doing stupid/inspired things. 

     I get inspired very easily, but I also get discouraged easily too. my safety device became the coldness I learned from my father, and I use it well. but, I also disclosed that even though I am willing to throw away a friendship in a heartbeat, when I get home... that's when I cry about it. in private. 

    so in the end I am only hurting myself. 






now on to the main event. 

ever since my cousin died, every funeral I go to has me re-living

the agony of his.

I miss you, and I wish things had never changed.

my only real dreams are to be a writer and a singer/songwriter, but I do

nothing about either of those dreams.

to get over things, I drink. if I really feel shitty then I smoke.

several years ago, my sister called me crying from las vegas where she was 

staying with her husband. he had gotten drunk and violent.

I nearly cried as I told her that all I could do was buy her a plane ticket 

to come back for the morning. after she was home she told me that 

somewhere in all the broken lamps and fighting my mother's camera

had been broken as well. I told her not to worry about it. I told

my mother that I dropped it one day and that I would buy her a new one.

to this day she still mentions how I broke her camera.

when Jackson moved away I cried.

when randy moved away I did not.

I never think of us getting back together.

I hate when I am cynical about people and I end up being right.

I like when you tell me goodnight.

I don't think that the things I do are ever enough.

I have fairly low self esteem.

I've had sex with two different girls in the same day, three in the same week.

these were all individual girls, no repeats.

I have never had a one night stand, or met someone at

a bar or club and brought them home to fuck.

I don't fuck drunk girls.

I have never gotten drunk and "accidentally" had sex with a fat girl.

I have had sex with a couple fat girls sober. ha.

I like to tell stories because of my cousin. I am not as good as he was at telling them.

I know when I am repeating my self. when my friends repeat themselves

I listen just as intently as the first time I heard the story.

I want to save everyone. that's part of the reason I love The Catcher In The Rye. I have pulled people from various car wrecks, changed tires for old ladies, jumped cars, taken pictures of hit and runs and given those pictures to the owners of the damaged car so they could file a report. every time I run to help these strangers, then I leave before 

anyone knows who I was.

I will always be there for you, regardless of how poorly you treat me.
 I will never tell you not to come.

I will attend all your parties, and go wherever you wish me to.

I will always be there for you, even if you don't deserve it.

because I am stupid.

I cried on that white military bus as we pulled out of the parking lot, heading to Iraq.

not because I was scared, but because the week before I sat at my

dinner table with my father and asked him to come see me off. he agreed and

I thought that for once I would have a decent moment with my father.

he never showed up.

I drove over 90 mph, with my old car's heat gauge well in the red, from cypress to riverside

because I was afraid that I would miss my daughter's birth. I didn't miss it.

these days, my family isn't allowed to see her.

I started smoking because of a girl. I started drinking because of my father.

sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I don't belong here. it makes people

that are close to me upset because there's nothing they can do to help me.

it has nothing to do with them.

I... don't know.

I learned about love from the movies I used to watch as a kid. I have become a

character in a movie of sorts.

I believe that if things need to end, then the should end

spectacularly. I will tell you that I don't want to be around

you anymore. then I will go home and cry about a life that I lost before I

even had a chance to try.

goodnight. 

   

         

it's not dark yet, but it's getting there

    it's too hard to sleep when I keep running away. I left some heartbeats at your door step but you didn't answer. all that was left was the warm spots my feet had left, from standing there for so long with my shaking hand outstretched and trying. trying to ring your bell. maybe... I thought.

     maybe I thought i'd get to see your eyes again. I didn't even know why I still cared, but I couldn't go either. I wished invisibly for something I didn't know I wanted. then I threw it all away.

     the stars were out somewhere, but it wasn't here.


     I wanted to tell you the world. but it wasn't my place. at least not anymore.

the stars were calling me. stronger than before.

    

casey jones

     I was sitting in a bar on Friday night when this song comes on that I remember from my youth. My cousin had showed it to me during a time when I thought drugs were cool. The lyrics say...





Drivin' that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
watch your speed
Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
and you know that notion
just crossed my mind

     I sat at that bar and smiled a smile with a tinge of memory and enveloped it within with some alcohol while randy and trisha talked about something I don't remember because I was slowly mouthing the words to this song from my youth.



people

     I should listen to myself more often.

people are going to do whatever they desire. regardless of what anyone says to them. so why say anything?

you wanna do drugs. great.

dating someone that's married? wonderful.

deadbeat dad. i'm in.

people don't care what others have to say to them. they're gonna continue to do whatever the fuck they want. I worry about people and sometimes I feel like saying something to them.

     I should listen to my own advice.
let people do the things that they want to do. if they feel like changing, great. if not, then also great. I feel like Jackson tonight.

     I remember I said that this year for Christmas I was going to buy nothing for everyone. and I meant it. I don't really know what i'm saying. I was walking to mcdonalds earlier and I had an idea, now I don't remember it. this happens to me a lot. I am the king.

    

some brutal shit

"between you and i, time was just a habit, and love was just a word we used to keep each other at bay."

shit on my chest

November 20, 2006 (1:35 AM)


     I could have had you. i could have had you if i didn't care. if that makes any sense.
i mean, is it terrible to not fuck someone just because you can? what if i actually liked you? what then?
     is the only way to show you that...is the only way... putting my dick in your mouth?
i don't get it. and once again, there is no winning.
     if you want to fuck girls. they get mad cause that's all you want. if you say "no thanks" then you're an asshole for not taking the offer?
     fuck that. fuck it all.
        -but i do like you. all i wanted was to feel you next to me. that's all. 

my first girlfriend

October 6, 1999


   Yesterday Siobhan came over, and since we haven't been having sex anymore (no condoms) we've been able to entertain ourselves with mediocre things. like when we were kids.

innocent fun. i loved it.

i went into the kitchen to make some soup. i was out there for quite some time when i saw her come to where i was. And i held her. i laid my existence on her shoulder. and for that moment all my worries disappeared. everything was well, as "lady in red" played in the background.

i have never seen that dress you're wearing

or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes

i have been blind...

 

 

     

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

Sept. 30th 1999

i feel bad, i think i made sam an addict. Recently I've been doing LSD, but I've been totally clean for 2 months, maybe 3. but i got sam into it. and i know i hit it hard when i did it. 5 or 6 times within the same amount of time that I've been clean. And now i see things differently. (I've heard that later in life you get depression if you do LSD, but i got it immediately after)

 Nothing's the same. we're growing up. and all taking the wrong paths. I stopped getting sam the drugs, but i need to tell him that i'm so messed up now. i need to save him be fore he does something stupid. i may be his enabler.

...but i'm also his savior.


Part 2

the last time i fried, was one time that i went to Disneyland. I guess that i got a super good deal for my $7. I almost died. We were at Disneyland and usually me and sam are like yin and yang. he's the weak follower, and i'm the strong leader. but since we were both wired the roles reversed somehow. And i became the weak one, and sam, the leader. I felt so dead, so gone. i didn't care, but i was scared.

     And at one time at my most vulnerable time in my whole life, i asked sam to pour a cup full of ice water one my head. i practically had to yell at him to do it. I love him for it.

     I immediately took in a deep (involuntary) breath, but felt no cold. my head hurt. so i asked sam to take me somewhere to lie down. And since sam's friend worked there he pointed us towards the Disney infirmary or first aid shack. When we get there Sam held the door open. He was wearing all white all of a sudden. He looked like St. Peter at the gates of heaven. I got scared and thought i had died. I didn't want to go any further, but sam reassured me with a point of a finger.  He held the doors open as the perfect white light emblazoned the dim surroundings. I was more scared than at any other point in my life. inside was totally white, totally bright. I was briefly interviewed and set in a bed, where around me, there were others. 

     Some were moaning in pain, others not so lucky. As the time passed and sam stayed by my side he asked, "do you want me to call your parents?"
     i replied, "no, what are they gonna do?"
and i was right, this was my fault. besides, i didn't want them to know i'd failed in life. so i sat there, dying more and at a far more accelerated rate than before.

     i told sam about how i was falling asleep with my eyes open. and how i couldn't feel myself. numb, dumb, and everybody else is what i was. i explained that  nobody could do anything anymore. I was at peace. I didn't remember any of the plastic friendships that i had. I didn't care for anyone but the ones who had followed me till death. As i remember, there was this lady in a bed next to me wearing all black. and she had this long red hair. 

     i never saw her face, but i knew she was there. And as soon as she left i felt a burden lifted. i felt somewhat better. as is death had been watching me. But before all this, 3 men walked in and had a conversation with her, and it ended with them carrying her out.

From then on I've been clean. but not the same. I've learned to appreciate the reality of things. I've become more introverted and more social to my paper friends. i love. i need. i'm more human than i ever was in my high school career. and i'm still the same.

reaching out

     I will never say to my friend, I just wanna talk because I feel shitty and I know you can help me.
 
     I have fucked over my friends, and in return been equally fucked.

     it's a miracle I never caught anything... (see what I did right there?)


     when elizha told me she was pregnant I told no one. I waited and kept it a secret. not because I was ashamed or trying to dodge it, but because the circumstances were also shitty. when I found out that sam was also going to have a child within a month or so of me, I felt a bit relieved. until then the only one of us to even come close to that would have been Jackson (if it was even true in the first place). I felt very alone. and absolutely scared.

     I remember trying to reach out to sam a few times. I called him. I called him. I texted him. I called him.

     I didn't want to tell him over the phone, I wanted to sit down and have a conversation with my old friend, face to face. however, I got tired of being dodged and broke down and told him.

     I remember sitting in my blue car, like I always do when I make these sort of calls, and the thing that came out of his mouth made me not talk to him for years after it.

     he said that he was very busy and that I didn't need him to hold my hand.

     I sat in the car.

     I don't remember how angry I was, or if I cried, or even when I got out of the car. I just remember feeling that shit feeling when your friend is no longer your friend. when you grow up all at once.

     I waited until a month or so before she was born to tell everyone. I did it all at once. I enjoy chaos. but the whole thing with sam reminded me of another time that something similar happened.

     I didn't get my license until I was 23. I didn't have a car until long after that. when I got my job at the driving school I had to ride two separate busses to get there. I had to wake up at 4am sometimes and run across traffic in my dress shoes and tie to catch the bus so I wouldn't get fired. I don't remember exactly what birthday it was of sam's, but I decided to write him a song. not only did I write a song, I also combed the hundreds of hours of video of our youth to grab sound clips from those videos so I could lay them over the instrumental I had written. it took me several days of sitting in front of the computer in my spare time and tying this all together.

     when it was done I called sam and asked him if he could come pick it up because I didn't have a way to get it to him.

     he answered and told me that he just couldn't pick it up because he had a party to go to. a party that was down in this area. I told him that it took me forever and that he would like it. he never came to pick it up.

     I still have that CD in my old case.

now I don't want anyone to think that sam is some bastard because I have done my fair share of fucked up things to him too. I am simply stating that I will never directly ask for help. I think the closest I came was when I was sitting in the back of that cop car, drunk out of my mind, and I told the cop that I was having a really hard time in life right now and I drank it away.

     every once in a while i'll get sentimental and tell everyone how much they mean to me. like I did after I watched that movie Remember Me. I recall that heide thought I was going to kill myself and kept telling me to come home, even though I was sitting in my car outside.

     sometimes, in cards, for holidays, people will tell me what I mean to them. but if I happen to do it randomly then i'm probably going to kill myself.

     I waited to tell someone what they meant to me one time. and they never came home to hear my words.


I will never say to my friend, I just wanna talk because I feel shitty and I know you can help me.






at the end of the day I have myself to blame.

100th blog (ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space)

     I really felt like going for a drive tonight. but instead I am going to do my best to tell this story. I have been putting it off for months, and even now I am thinking of things I need to do instead of write this.

.Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space.

     The Year was 1998. we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment as a direct consequence of my father getting his 43rd DUI and us losing the 5 bedroom house with a pool and huge yards, because he had to go to jail. I slept in one room, and my sister slept in the master bedroom with my parents. she slept in the bed with my mother and my dad slept on the floor on an unrolled sleeping bag. I will never forget that place for as long as I live.

     in the tiny living room there were two couches and a giant tube TV that didn't work, with a smaller tube TV on top of it (we were Mexican after all). the area was crap. I remember hearing a kid get shot to death at the bus stop outside and one night I swear I heard a bullet whiz by my window. later I my life, when I joined the Marines, I would hear that sound again and remember that place. that heinous, heinous place.

     one day, I remember I was watching TV when this commercial for the New Beetle came on. The VW Beetle had been redesigned and was making its big comeback around that time. this is the commercial that I saw...





     I heard that melody and I was gone forever.

I have a severe fondness for music and when I hear a song like I did that day, I get goose bumps and chills run up my back. I light up from the inside.

     this is the light of my soul.

     I watched that 30 second clip and then lost it forever.

at this time in life there was no google. yahoo was useless (much like now) and videos on the internet were a pipe dream. in fact, internet porn consisted of pictures that took a good 20 seconds sometimes just to load ONE. I couldn't exactly Shazaam it, or type in the words to ask jeeves because finding lyrics on the internet was an exercise in patience. we may not have even had our first computer yet.  

     so I lost it.

But I never forgot that melody. and those beeps. but mostly the melody. and those words...

I will love you 'till I die, and I will love you all the time.

    

 those words and melody haunted my waking hours. I wrote poems around that melody and even incorporated those words into one of my poems named after an irish girl I never knew.

     the first concert I ever went to was Marilyn Manson & Hole. i'm not really sure how sam and i got tickets to that show, but I do remember walking into the Pond of Anaheim and seeing the masses of freaks. and the stage. the stage that was not too far from where we were sitting.

     we got there early because we were dropped off and therefore didn't have to deal with parking at all. when we sat down there was still a lot of time to go. at some concerts, they play music before and in between acts. since we were there so early, no one had performed yet. 

     the pond and all of it's red seats were slowly filling and the beatles were playing in the arena, since manson is a beatles fan. then this beautiful song came on over the speakers. A female voice whispered...

ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space... 

     Then I heard the melody... and those beeps. I knew it was my song from that commercial I had seen. what fucking luck I had! the song I was chasing after was playing over the P.A. in the same arena where I was about to see Marilyn manson. I sat there and smiled my big ass dopey smile while my heart reached out to the universe like the wind reaches out to the last leaves of fall. I was filled with that old feeling of tingles and excitement that I had first felt by myself in my living room. only now I was surrounded by thousands of people. but in that moment I could hear only my heartbeat and that beautiful song.

     the concert ended. high school ended. my youth ended. and I flew off to japan and left my girlfriend behind. I spent many days alone and wondered what all my friends were up to. having normal lives where parties were attended, good times were had, jobs and school were started and dropped also, much like the casual acquaintances I had collected during school. I held my youth in my hand like a dandelion flower seed, and when I tried to shield it from the wind I realized that I had been hiding a dandelion that wasn't much more than a stem and the dying dreams I had left in garden grove. in California.

     it was during a specifically shitty time in my life when I met this guy Isaac Angers.

when I got to japan everything that could have gone wrong, did. my parents were getting a divorce, my grandpa died, my girlfriend of two-and-a-half -years broke up with me, and to top it off I get sent away on guard duty to augment the base guards post 9/11. I was forced to move across the base into some shit building with some guys I didn't know at all. my schedule was 24 hrs on, 24hrs off. wake-up time was 4AM. life sucked.

     my room mate was this fat turd from intelligence battalion that ended up hurting his foot bad enough that they had to send a replacement for him. it was very important to get a replacement because we had to spend 7 months augmenting this camp guard. it was the shittiest time I had spent in the marines so far. however, my new room mate was angers, and he was a cool guy. we got along and eventually a few of us guys became good friends. it was with these guys that I bought my 1st semi-professional camera and developed my love of photography. 

     me and angers would walk down to the video store no our days off and rent movies because what the fuck else were we gonna do on our little time off? we rented indiscriminately. anything was fair game. after all, we were rich. 

     one day we rented a movie called Vanilla Sky. now, the movie isn't the best movie I've ever watched, or even close to it. the only reason I even ended up buying it was because of the following.
     I was laying in my small bed directly across from anger's side of the room watching the movie play from my portable DVD player through my TV. it was dark and we were watching movies to pass the dreadful time before we had to wake up and walk to the armory (which was in the opposite direction of the guard shack) and stand out in the sun for 24 hrs.
     the movie progressed and eventually there comes a scene where everything is going as wrong as it gets. the main character realizes something is not right at all and starts yelling for tech support. at the end of the building, an elevator opens. he gets inside where man begins to explain to him what is going on.

     he explains that it is all a dream he is currently living (while in a suspended state) called the lucid dream, and that at one point earlier in time he had actually died. he says that his friend threw a three day memorial in his honor. the scene pans out and shows a sweep of old pictures and mementos, and people standing around talking to each other. then, the girl he never had peeks into the door way. her eyes red, wearing the same big ugly coat she had on the night they met in that same house.... and in the background a song lifts from the scene.
     and that familiar beep.

at this point I am sitting up fully, eyes open and ears pricked up. I can feel that tingling race up my back into my head, and I can feel my heart beat. I was so excited that I didn't really remember the rest of the movie, but I had it. I had found it. or better yet, it had found me. by some random act of the universe the song had finally found me. I may have even written about it in a journal I always keep. I waited until the song credits rolled and I paused it so I could write down my songs name. the credit said:

Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

Performed by Spiritualized 

     the next day that I had time off I walked the mile or so down to the internet café and paid the 10 bucks per hour to use the internet. that's just how things were at the time. I opened up whatever music downloading software was installed on that particular PC and typed in the name. after the 10 or fifteen minutes it took to download the song had passed I eagerly took the old crust headphones that were supplied by the café and listened to my song. I listened to that song and I may have even welled up. I don't remember the exact moment since it was about 10 years ago and my mind tends to wander. but I do remember I had to bring a blank CD because USB drives were expensive back then. I put my song on that disc and took it home. I had it now. it was mine.

     I loved that song like people love their dogs. I hoped it would never get old. I hoped it would always hold a warm reception for me, and even warmer memories. As the years passed that song shaped much of my life and played secretly behind my eyes as things went wrong or went well. I even started a video using that song (that I never finished). I kept it with me and put it on every mp3 player I ever owned. I often imagined that song playing at my funeral or viewing or whatever thing people wanna do with my corpse after I am dead.

    the years passed and I got out of the marines, and kept some of those friends with me through life. one of those friends was randy, a guy I met by getting into a fight with him during some bullshit we had to do in the marines. we stayed friends and kept in contact since he lived in San Diego and I lived in Orange County. for one of his birthdays I decided to make him a grand scale video using his old videos and some of mine and my giant collection of pictures. the video turned out to be something on the plus side of 20 minutes. the plan was to drive up there for his birthday party and present him this video, then get drunk. well, it was already dark and I was still finishing the video because I am king procrastinator. I texted him saying I was gonna be late because I was working on his gift. he replied that I didn't have to bring a gift and that I should just get there.
     when I finally finished I gathered my shit and drove the drive down to La Mesa. I remember on the way there I was driving that lonely stretch near camp Pendleton where the stars shine brighter, and I thought that I wanted to meet a girl at a party and talk all night without any weird need to get laid or without ruining things by trying to kiss or anything. I wanted to fall in love. you know, like in the movies.
     when i got there i the house was fairly packed and randy greeted me with a beer. since i had arrived late it was my mission to catch up. I told randy that I had brought a video to show everyone so everyone sat down to watch. the video played and everyone laughed and awe'd and seemed to enjoy it, especially randy. it was about him after all. after the video ended we all continued drinking and doing what people do at parties. we took turns taking bonged beers from "the violator" (a double beer bong i had built especially for the occasion), had shots and cake, and even enjoyed each others company for a while.
     i didn't know it, but randy was trying to get this girl to show up. she was one of his friends that i would later find out had almost met me several times in our short time knowing randy. he finally convinced her to show up and i didn't really pay too much attention to her until someone forced her to play guitar, it might have been randy himself. that sounds like some thing he would do. she played guitar and i was stuck watching her. i couldn't stop looking at her. i felt like an ass.
     i was fairly drunk by this time and so was randy. when randy gets drunk he turns into cupid and tries to hook everyone up. it was my (unwanted) turn. i never asked randy to hook me up with anyone. it just turns out that he tried to hook me up with a girl that jeremiah had brought which he was in love with but had zero interest in him. i had gotten wind of this and decided to sit next to Erwin across the room. Erwin was talking to Ashley about some bullshit i don't remember and trying to get her phone number. i was interjecting a few words here and there but not really talking directly with her. i was still fairly drunk at this point or else i wouldn't be talking to her. (just one important fact here... without alcohol, i never would have met Ashley or talked to her or anything) I knew that this girl was going to come in and try to talk to me but i had no intent of hooking up with her. i don't do that.
    
     so i sat down next to Ashley and asked her to pretend like we were talking. and every time this girl walks in to try and talk to me, to pretend that we are laughing and having a wildly entertaining conversation. my plan worked and eventually me and Ashley were having a conversation. one that she thought didn't matter because she didn't plan on seeing me again. but i was slowly falling in love that night with the girl that i am still in love with today as i write this. with alcohol as my courage, we talked all night and had some adventures that are left for the story of how we met. 
     i am not really sure of the timeline (you know, cause i was drunk) but i think randy showed Ashley the video at some point after everyone else had watched it, because she had arrived late. this time it was just us 3. after the video ended randy said something i'll never forget. he said that it kind of sucks that no one will ever make something like that for me. and i know he didn't mean it maliciously but it sounded like that. the way i took it was to mean that i am the only one that chronicles our lives with videos and pictures because it's important to me. i stood there and thought about that and even though i didn't know it, Ashley was also thinking about that...the girl that i had just met and ended up talking to all night. 

     the party ended, the night became light, the hangovers were had, i asked Ashley to come out with us and she said no.

     years later, after we had gotten together she would give me a present. a rather unexpected present. it was wrapped in this wrapping that still hangs on my wall to this day. inside was a disc. i played the disc and this is what played...

     I cried. I guess that makes me a water element. ha.
I cried because it was thoughtful. because it was our story. because it was my song. it was everything. and done with no pictures of me, or videos. it was brilliant. I loved it so much that I made an immediate copy of it and kept the original in a case. I watch the copy whenever I watch it. it is still hard for me to accept that someone cares this deeply for me and I have trouble expressing myself to others, but things like this say what I can never say.

     time passed, days became memories, and lives became dreams. One day I was looking around on livenation when I saw that Spiritualized was performing in at the wiltern in los angeles. now, you would think that I would jump on the opportunity to go see them, but I was never really a fan of their other music. I never really listened to the other albums or other songs even. so I sat for a while. I read reviews for them and people seemed to really enjoy their shows. so one day I decided that I would spend the money and buy the damn tickets.

     I told Ashley we were going to see spiritualized and I think the day of the show was one where she had to work or something like that. it was decided that I would go ahead and wait in line while she arrived whenever she could.
    
     I really wanted her to be there with me.
    
I spent more time than I wanted to sitting in traffic on the way there, and when I finally got into the line after paying the shitty 20 bucks for parking, there were more people in front of me than I desired... but I was there. I was ready.
    
     I don't really get excited for concerts. not until it's actually time to see the performers. and this time I was waiting for Ashley, hoping that she would get there in time to not have to find me inside somewhere.
     she got there and we went inside. the show was amazing. the visuals were very fitting to the music and the sounds was great. I had my recorder with me and a copy of the setlist on my phone so I knew when my song would be playing. the moment came and I started my recorder. in the video you can hear me tell ashley to "listen for the sound." (of the woman's voice to signal the start of the song) 
            



even watching the video now I can feel my eyes getting shiny. I was there, holding ashley in my arms, listening to the song I would gladly have paid 300 dollars to hear in person. it was a huge moment for me. I shivered and tried my hardest not to lose it. but this was different. it was a lifetimes worth of emotions and catastrophic losses, smiles, dreams, loves, hopes, wishes and those little notes I have scribbled into my notebooks over the years all riding on a simple chord progression with some angels singing behind it. I smiled and I could feel tears running down my face. i was among hundreds of people, but I was watching the band in an embrace with my love and no one else was around as the room spun slowly and I held on to the person I love and I told her everything i have ever wanted to say without saying anything at all.

all I want in life's a little bit of love to take the pain away

a giant step each day

I will love you 'till I die

and I will love you all the time

everything happens today

and we're out here to stay

and I don't know where we are all going to.



     there was a lull in the music and the crowd swayed in time with the beat. then it all came back even louder and stronger as the crowd cheered and those words swept through my blood and pumped into my heart while I imagined what it would be like to have people that interested in something I had created. that was the best night I have ever had.

    

     the show ended and the people streamed out with their memories still fresh in their mouths, the lights came up, the cars filled and then disappeared and I went home.

    time moved forward and like always, my grip wasn't strong enough to keep it still. then time stopped.

     something that should have been great news happened and it wasn't great news at all. the decision was made and after coming back from the doctors office we picked up the pills at the pharmacy across the street. it was that easy. we went home and got ready. while Ashley was in the bathroom I got out that video she had made me. I put it in the DVD player and waited. after what seemed like forever she came out. and we opened the packaging.

    

     we sat on the bed and silently, I started the movie.

it played.

I reached for the remote to turn it up. I turned it up almost as loud as it gets and we sat there holding each other, looking at the TV but not really seeing anything but the blurriness that comes from trying hard to hide tears. I loved her and I wanted her to know that. that no matter what happened, I loved her.

     the video with the song played, and we both cried. holding each other and thinking terrible things. not too long ago we were in the wiltern, holding each other, listening to the same song and feeling amazing. this time the tone was much different. there was no joy, no happiness, no hopes, just secrets and closed doors.

     the song ended and she took those pills and put them in the sides of her mouth and I watched my love start to cry. I felt like dying.

     I had to be strong and tell her that she had to stop or else the medication wouldn't work.

this was it. there was no turning back now. this was the worst day of my life. 

     I never told anyone this, but I played the video...the song, so that if by chance what people say is true, that you would hear something beautiful before you left this world. before you died at my hands. i'm sorry.   i'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. i just wanted you to hear my favorite song.

     

So that's the story of my favorite song. i'm sure I have forgotten some things but I get emotional and I have to stop while I regain my thoughts. sometimes the song comes on in my car and I still feel that feeling I felt all those years ago when I heard it for the first time on a silly car commercial as a young boy. maybe one day the song will play at my funeral and the story will be continued by someone else. i'm an asshole, but I love you. all of you. 

    

.thank you.    

vandewalle

     vandewalle was my old room mate from 29 palms. a good ole boy that i tagged along with to my 1st spring break in lake havasu. the place where i saw many, many breasts and ended up riding back to base with someone totally different on a drunken trip through the desert in the cover of night.

     last week i was sitting in a karaoke bar and a man came up to the mic to sing a song. that song was "simple man" by lynyrd skynyrd.

     now i'm not exactly a fan of skynyrd, but like everyone else, i know all the songs. and i knew this song. and as i sat in that bar with my friends i drank my beer and remembered vandewalle for some reason. i sat and thought about those lyrics and the way that man was butchering that song.

     then i remembered a little poem he showed me that his mom had given to him to carry around. the little piece of paper now lived in his wall locker in our room. this is what it said...

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.

     he told me his mother had given him that before he set off to join the Marines.  

i have no idea what happened to that guy. nor do i ever feel the need to look anyone up, but i did remember him that night in that bar.

     vandewalle was a simple man.

don't do it baby

I wrote a song that I titled "mistake"


     today I was making some food and listening to the 90's channel on the ole TV. a song called "water runs dry" came on and I instantly remembered the last day of 8th grade when I was walking home with my old yellow Sony Walkman that had the rubber seal inside so it was "water resistant". I remember listening to that song and thinking it was a pretty damn good song. I remember feeling shitty about not really seeing my friends anymore, because I would be going to a different high school than everyone else next year. I remember the girls. like always.
     I remembered JR, or Julie as I later found out her name was, and how we held hands one day near the end of the school year and almost, almost became boyfriend and girlfriend.

     I stood in the kitchen now, cooking my ramen noodles and left over food from weeks ago and thought about how that song still makes me sigh when it comes on and even say out loud that it's a good song.

     I wrote a song called "mistake" many, many years later...



I fell in love
with an idea of you
that I built from all the ruins
of all of the hearts I destroyed before you

the scars on my heart
spell out your name
I tried to help you knowing you wont change
not for anything in my world

I think we're making a big mistake baby
I think that you've got it wrong

I think we're making a big mistake
I think that you've got it wrong

you know there's nothing
I wanna hear from you
you're broken, running off to someone new
and it's no use
your guilt looked best dressed up like me

I think we're making a big mistake baby
I think that you've got it wrong

I think we're making a big mistake
I think that you've got it wrong

and you're still coming 'round
but the drug's just not the same
while we're stuck trading blame
piercing lies we became
and I don't wanna know
what's goin' on in your mind
while all these dreams are dying
fate has won over time

I think we're making a big mistake baby
I think that you've got it wrong...


     that song is a bout a girl I was dating around that time. I don't remember where I actually wrote it but looking through my old music books I can say that it wasn't the song I set out to write in the first place. I took the chorus part from a song I never finished and wrote a whole new song around it.

     my inspiration was that old boyz II men song that still makes me reminisce when I hear it, and a beatles song called "let it be".

     I just happened to fall in love with something I had in my own head and not the girl that was in front of me. I wanted her to be something she wasn't. but when it ended, I didn't want it to either. I am resistant to change sometimes. and sometimes I want to smash everything I own.

     the line "I think we're making a big mistake baby" comes from the line "we'll make the biggest mistake of our lives... don't do it baby" in the boyz II men song.

     I imagine the last line (while all these dreams are dying, fate has won over time) as the last argument in the plea to stay. we're talking and the world we have built around us is crashing down slowly while all along time has already run out but no one wants to admit it first.

 
     so my song was inspired by an old r&b classic that I still hold dear.

"...don't do it baby"

.100 miles.

   I.

   i woke up quick, at about noon, i just thought that i had to be in compton soon... or griffith park. i decided to take ashley to go hike around in the hills behind the griffith park observatory since she enjoyed it so much last time. we walked a different direction from the last time that we went. the time we ended up sliding down a treacherous groove that looked like the only thing that had been down it in ages was the very water that had formed it.

     this time ashley spotted a trail that ran along the crest of a hill and ended somewhere beneath the hollywood sign. 

     we hiked, and climbed, and i dealt with my vertigo by being a bitch. i also realized that i am very out of shape. however, i had the gopro with me so i could stop and "take pictures" every once in a while. i ended up with some pretty good pictures of us, but most importantly of myself, since there are so few of those around. 

     at one point i was standing on a rock on top of a peak and taking pictures of the city and basin when i remembered something a friend told me once. she said she liked to climb to the tops of places like that so she could feel better than everyone. i suspected there was more truth than joke in her statement because i feel the same way.

     we climbed a fairly steep hillside and enjoyed a fairly relaxing uphill walk back to the car several hours later. 

     i thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent adventuring in the hollywood hills that afternoon.

     we walked the 300 miles back down to the car and got on our way back home. it was around 8pm when i texted randy and asked him to come to ashleys house and do some drankin'.... naked. randy replied that he was going to a karaoke bar with erwin somewhere near erwins house. to this i replied with a bit of rage because the night before i had asked erwin what he was doing and he had said he was broke and had zero plans. i called him some colorful words and then randy said i should go with them. 

     this whole time i'm sitting in the back of the car trying to decide if i wanted to go down to vista after hiking around under the hot sun all day in los angeles. i decide yes. i'm gonna.

     i am still a bit concerned with time since we are still driving back and it's already around 8:30pm.  so i ask them what time they are leaving. randy says they're about to leave soon. 

     in my mind i am no longer going. 

     i hate meeting people when they are already at a place. i have stayed home because of this several times in my life. i get this weird anxiety and i just don't do it. but i decided this was gonna happen, i hadn't seen randy in a while and i felt like doing some damn singing. i love singing terribly. 

     i tell him its on.

     i go to ashley's house and get my car, since i had it parked there from the night before. i rush home and take care of some business i had prior. i shower, i shave, i cry a bit, i take the gun out of my mouth and continue getting ready. i decide to eat because in the past i have done some scientific research and it was concluded that i get fucking ultra hammered if i drink on an empty stomach. i also try and drink a shit ton of water since i am fairly dehydrated from the days activities. i put on my green hurley shirt and go to mcdonalds for some nuggets.

     the funny thing about mcdonalds is that when i have the god damn time to shit and eat they give me the old rubber nuggets and the cold ass fries. tonight they give me the most fresh fries i have ever gotten and some nuclear hot nuggets. so i sit in my car in the parking lot and air out my food because i can't eat hot food. after a while i decide to eat the surface-of-the-sun-fries and my nuclear nuggets and drink from my bottle of water...myyessss.

     i take off after that. 

     i have always enjoyed the drive to and from san diego. i used to make it almost every weekend in my old blue embarrassment. that's the name i gave my car a long time ago. the blue embarrassment. i listen to music and usually i sing. in my car. by myself. however, tonight i expect to sing at the bar, so i tend to keep it down on the singing front so i don't lose my voice before i get there. i wouldn't want to disappoint all the drunken turds at the bar, and the people that aren't my friends too.

     i make it there with no incident and park outside the building. this will be my car's home for tonight and tomorrow morning since i don't drink and drive. 

     then i text randy. i tell him that i'm here and that he should come meet me outside. (see, i fucking hate meeting people. and these are people i have known for years)

     i wait until i see randy before getting out of the car. as i'm approaching him i hear him yell, "whats up bro!"
     i laugh and ask him if he's hammered. he admits he has indeed had a few drinks and we laugh and make our way into the place.

     i show my ID to the door man and he stamps a pretty little star or my little pony or some shit on my wrist and we walk inside. there are groomsmen and bridesmaids strewn about the crowd and every once in a while i swear i can see a bride and groom.

i think to myself... what the fuck. 

     i follow randy over to our tables. there is john, randy's brother, bree, who really loves me when she's drunk, erwin, and one of erwin's room mates. i look around and figure out where the bar is before i go to the ATM and pay seventy-five dollars in fees so i can withdraw a few 20's. i approach the bar and start the night. by this time it's a bit passed 11pm. no problem.

     i come back and bree gives me a big happy hug while saying that she's so glad i made it out. i tell her that she's always telling me that i should hang out more often to which i reply that i finally decided to listen to her. we laugh and i go around the table to sit down.

     bree is fairly drunk at this time, but nothing a few more hours and drinks can't change.

     we all drink our drinks and yell at each other in close proximity over the sound of strangers mutilating songs we know. the jello shots are bought and eaten, i turn down a shot of fireball whiskey (wisely) and give it to bree instead. erwin tells me that she's having a night out since she's a mom now and doesn't get to go out like that anymore. hardly. maybe.

     randy manages to tell me some of the bullshit that has been going on in his life and why we are here getting shitty at a karaoke bar. i accept it and don't mention it again (wisely). he does say to me, "this is how i'm handling it."
    
     i reply that it is the only way to do things. and we both laugh and return to yelling at each other over the loud-ass music. i get another beer and grab the seat next to bree so i can talk to her before she checks out for the night. bree is a very fun drunk, and tonight, so is everyone else. erwin doesn't seem too happy because he has to drive, so naturally we give him shit about it.

     i remind him of the times when i was completely sober and driving them around while he constantly tried to get me to drink. then i let off.

     the song "club can't handle me" comes on and i make a joke to bree about how in vegas, the club literally couldn't handle me because i was too fucking drunk to get in and randy laughs because he was my handler that night. he explains that i was too wasted to even get let in to the club. i tell her that in theory, the club couldn't handle me, as the song suggested.

     i manage a conversation with bree about how terrible people are at singing and before i know it she is running out to the dance floor to "dance". 

    it's a well known fact that i don't dance. 
     
     it's not that i don't enjoy it, i just suck at it. and i don't try. i can't get better at it if i don't try it, but i don't try it because i'm not good at it. so i sit and drink. i explain to randy's brother that i don't dance in clubs, i just sit and drink. and we both laugh because he feels the same way. from then on whenever bree runs out to the dance floor we take turns pointing at each other to try and guilt someone into going out there with her. erwin loses this round because after all, she is his friend.

     i decide that i'm going to sing randy a song since he's a bit down. so i walk up to the dj booth all nervous-like and hand them my slip.

     i am reminded of when we used to have a band and play at joe & andy's bar. i used to slam a beer beforehand and drink a few during the show just to feel comfortable in front of the crowd.

     the Corona's keep coming and so do the jello shots. after that round i walk up to the bar to get another Corona when i see the bartender with the huge fake tits holding a box over her head and saying something like, "i'm gonna put this box down, but don't be acting like greedy bitches". this leaves everyone to look around at each other because no one knows what the shit she's talking about. then i see that the box contains the famed jello shots we have been eating all night. someone asks if they're free and she nods agreeably. 

     i take the opportunity to grab 5... like a greedy bitch. i get my beer and walk back to the table and i am greeted very warmly for bringing jello shots. i tell everyone that they were free. (if you've never been out with me then you don't know that i enjoy making shit up to tell people. i used to tell girls that my military occupation was being the door gunner on the space shuttle.) i tell everyone that i was standing at the bar and whipped out my dick and set it on the bar and i was awarded the jello shots for my impressive penis. everyone laughs and we toast the jello shots while yelling, "to impressive penises!" 
     i laugh and try to eat my little plastic cup-full of liquor tainted childhood.

     some time passes and everyone keeps bringing bree drinks, and she keeps slamming them home. naturally around 1AM she is to the point where she's about to fall out of her stool. when someone gets to that point it's time to get kicked the fuck out of a place. i know from personal experience. erwin decides to take initiative and say it's time to go.

     we don't necessarily agree but we get up anyway. as everyone is walking out i tell randy to hold on because the guy singing is almost done and if i'm up i want him to hear it. the DJ announces that the next singer will be....Chris.....sy.

     for a minute there i thought the drinking gods had smiled on us for once and it was going to be my turn. we lit up in excitement until she said"chrissy". 

   shit.

     dejected, i walk away from a nearly full beer and head out to the parking lot. 

     in the parking lot erwin is trying to get bree into the car while randy and john fight about whose going to sit "bitch". while this is going on i take the opportunity to sit left window because me being the smallest guy, i always have to sit "bitch". usually i get carsick when i am drunk but tonight i am immune like i was the day of the fireball shots at home. i'm not drunk, just lightly buzzed.  

    the car ride to drop off john is a hilarious drunken mess of mumblings and wondering if bree is gonna barf or not. john is trying to give erwin directions but is being cut off by whatever him and randy are playfully arguing about. erwin is getting mad. we can tell because he starts to take corners like a dildo and at one point he slams the breaks after we miss a turn to make a U-turn.

      we laugh.

     randy mentions something about food and john's ears prick up at the sound of "california burrito". john now says that he doesn't want to go home, that he wants to go the wherever the california burritos are. erwin, the angry dad, puts the foot down and tells him that he's getting dropped off.

     we drop off john and as we are driving bree to carlsbad, where she lives, erwin asks us if we want some Green burrito. randy informs me that they have some thing called a "san diego burrito" at green burrito. i ask him what the fuck that is. i tend to be a bit rough in my language sometimes. i don't kiss my mother, so it's alright.

     we pull into the drive thru and start ordering. halfway through our orders the girl tells erwin that there do not serve green burrito at this time of night. we all groan and erwin kindly tells her thank you (probably because he also used to work at a carl's jr. drive thru and knows people are dicks)

     bree lets out some heinous burps while slumped in the passenger seat and we drive on to carlsbad because erwin knows of a place down the street from her house where we can get some late night mexican food. shit yeah.

     erwin seems to be lightening up now that we are closer to dropping off bree and john is gone. 

     we turn down that familiar street where we spent 4th of july a couple years ago and park in front of the building where she lives. i tell erwin that maybe we can go pee in the house. we get out first and randy helps bree get out. i carry her purse, naturally. even though she's drunk she manages to thank me for carrying it for her. we walk towards the building when randy realizes that there are stairs involved. "no one told me there would be stairs involved," he says. i laugh because i'm not carrying her. bree isn't exactly a small girl. she's not fat, but she's tall and stout, we'll say.

     randy manages to help her stumble up the stairs without rolling back down them and crushing me.

     as we approach the door we realize that her keys are nowhere to be found. oh, and she can barely stand. we open her purse and fumble around while she pounds on the door and yells her husband's name, because people are generally happy to be greeted like that at this hour of night. eventually erwin calls him on the phone and he comes to the door to see his wife drunk as fuck being carried by three guys.

     shit.

     he gives us a disappointed, "i'm not surprised."
and bree whimpers out a, "baaabe..." as if trying to defend herself. he takes her in and closes the door. so much for peeing.

     erwin then tells us to follow him if we want to pee, kind of like the termintator.
of course we do.

     around back there is a walkway type area with plants and an old surfboard nestled against the wall. we all spread out a few feet and start peeing wildly on everything back there. randy manages to pee on the surfboard because, according to him, it looks like it hasn't been used in a while. i'm sure that we are being fairly loud, and because of that i want to finish and leave.

 II.

     as i got out of the car, when we first arrived, i noticed that i could clearly hear the ocean from the car. from bree's house to the ocean is literally less than 400 feet. and in the wonderful silence of the night you can hear the ocean calling you. 

     i mention to randy that the ocean can be heard from where we are. he asks me if it's really the water. he hasn't been to bree's house before and in the dark you can't tell the that ocean is out there in the middle of the night. but you can sure hear it.


     I start to walk with a bit of a spring in my step, down the middle of the street, as i tell randy that we should go down to the water. i can see erwins dad face coming on back there, and i tell him, "come onnnn erwin, lets go!"

     erwin asks randy if he wants to go to the water and randy says yes, so we all walk down the street in the heinous glow of the streetlights, all the while casting shadows on the empty sidewalks.

     we get to the main street, carlsbad blvd. i believe, and notice it's completely desolate. in the dark, and slightly buzzed from earlier, i take off across the somewhat sandy and cool street like a hot dog trying to escape a fat man's mouth. After we have crossed the 4 or so lanes of emptiness we get to the edge of the sidewalk and walk down the stairs that lead to the dark and rumbling sea.

     the stairs are this multilevel octagon maze and by the time we get to the bottom i just want to walk in the sand. at the bottom of the stairs we a re greeted by a wall with what seemed like not too big of a drop on the other side onto the sand. i decide that it's actually better not to break my legs and make the guys have to carry my ass out of there. we walk around and see that the drop is actually pretty damn tall. 

     the night is still but the water is churning in the distance. there is no noise from cars, people, or birds. in the distance i make out the light from a cellphone moving about silently in a crowd of shadows, as if it were a blue firefly being trapped in the gently cupped hands of a hooded figure. i imagine they are smiling and laughing as we are.

     the beach has been smoothed over by the waves and we are trekking out into a place where we are leaving the only footprints. the tide is low enough that we have to walk a good distance to even get to the water itself. 

     randy and i leave new tracks as we move closer to the water in that way you do when you don't really want to get wet but still want to be close to the waves. erwin stays at the top of the hill. down below randy and i are casually running from the waves and discussing the things you discuss after a few beers on a summer night on the beach in san diego. 

     as time passes i remember less and lees of what was actually said, but i remember the feeling that we left there. the ocean spray was landing softly on my face and i felt good that night. i felt alive. i felt that way you do when you're the only ones on the beach at a time when you're not supposed to be out there. i felt free. 

     after a while we decide to walk back to the car because we are still hungry afterall. it is then that we notice erwin has taken off his sandals and is in the process of rolling up his pants. i ask him is he planned on actually setting foot into the water and he says that thats what he thought we were going to do. i look at randy and say, "fuck it, lets do this shit."

     the shoes come off and the pants are rolled up and i am reminded of a matt & kim song that goes something like that.

     all three of us, filled with the energy of the night and the courage from a few drinks, walk down to the water and with pants rolled up to our knees decide to wade openly into the water. the waves crash into our bare legs and make us shudder from the slight chill they leave behind but this is not enough to discourage us from staying. nothing can fuck this up now.

     if we were making music at this very moment it would be a song i want on replay all summer. 

     we walk in and out of the water and marvel at how our pants are still getting so damn wet even though or pant legs are rolled up. at one point randy walks in too far and a big wave comes in and splashes him all up the front so it looks like he had a bad episode of front diarrhea. he just laughs it off and we keep playing in the water on a summer night.

     after a while we back out of the surf and while standing at the very edge, let the water slowly sink us into the sand, like it does. randy says that the ocean always has an agenda, even if you're just trying to stand on the shore the ocean says "fuck you" to your plans and sweeps the sand right out from under your feet. this makes me laugh.

     in this very moment i am glad i decided to drive down here.

     after our pants are sufficiently wet we walk back up to the level sand. when we get there i get the idea to write in the sand. the idea spreads through to all of us and at one point, one poorly planned point, we are all writing things into the sand. i don't remember what erwin drew because he was the farthest from me, but  randy wrote "S.O.S" and i wrote "PBR" so the hipsters would find it and think it was ironic. ha.

     we step back and admire what probably said something like "gibberish-SOS-PBR"


     i think randy took a picture of our artwork before i moved a bit further down the beach to write some initials in the sand. after i drew them out i took a picture. randy came over to ask me what they were and i changed the subject. 

     we walk up toward the car and across the lanes devoid of traffic and i feel the rough asphalt under my still sandy feet. we walk up the same street and tap our shoes on the curb before getting back into erwins car. as we all settle down into our seats erwin tells us that it was a good idea to have walked down to the water. 

     i have reached him.  

     the rest of the ride home involves a slow drive through oceanside, a stop at a mexican food drive thru, she-pimps, full plastic cups of wine with ice cubes, and pestering erwin about "the new anna". but the thing i will always remember is that one decision to walk down to the water that changed my whole night and subsequent weekend. 

     a few hours before then i was 100 miles away in the hollywood hills. i wasnt really sure if i should even make the drive. i ended up having some drinks at a bar in vista, seeing some people i rarely see, laughing and screwing around, and then wading in the water on carlsbad beach. 


     i love california.




tonight is one of those nights when i wish....


(this is the way I remember things. if I didn't write this out, I would just keep it in my head like this forever. my memories are some of my favorite things in life, I bring them here for you to see if you so desire.)



       06-08-2013