reaching out

     I will never say to my friend, I just wanna talk because I feel shitty and I know you can help me.
 
     I have fucked over my friends, and in return been equally fucked.

     it's a miracle I never caught anything... (see what I did right there?)


     when elizha told me she was pregnant I told no one. I waited and kept it a secret. not because I was ashamed or trying to dodge it, but because the circumstances were also shitty. when I found out that sam was also going to have a child within a month or so of me, I felt a bit relieved. until then the only one of us to even come close to that would have been Jackson (if it was even true in the first place). I felt very alone. and absolutely scared.

     I remember trying to reach out to sam a few times. I called him. I called him. I texted him. I called him.

     I didn't want to tell him over the phone, I wanted to sit down and have a conversation with my old friend, face to face. however, I got tired of being dodged and broke down and told him.

     I remember sitting in my blue car, like I always do when I make these sort of calls, and the thing that came out of his mouth made me not talk to him for years after it.

     he said that he was very busy and that I didn't need him to hold my hand.

     I sat in the car.

     I don't remember how angry I was, or if I cried, or even when I got out of the car. I just remember feeling that shit feeling when your friend is no longer your friend. when you grow up all at once.

     I waited until a month or so before she was born to tell everyone. I did it all at once. I enjoy chaos. but the whole thing with sam reminded me of another time that something similar happened.

     I didn't get my license until I was 23. I didn't have a car until long after that. when I got my job at the driving school I had to ride two separate busses to get there. I had to wake up at 4am sometimes and run across traffic in my dress shoes and tie to catch the bus so I wouldn't get fired. I don't remember exactly what birthday it was of sam's, but I decided to write him a song. not only did I write a song, I also combed the hundreds of hours of video of our youth to grab sound clips from those videos so I could lay them over the instrumental I had written. it took me several days of sitting in front of the computer in my spare time and tying this all together.

     when it was done I called sam and asked him if he could come pick it up because I didn't have a way to get it to him.

     he answered and told me that he just couldn't pick it up because he had a party to go to. a party that was down in this area. I told him that it took me forever and that he would like it. he never came to pick it up.

     I still have that CD in my old case.

now I don't want anyone to think that sam is some bastard because I have done my fair share of fucked up things to him too. I am simply stating that I will never directly ask for help. I think the closest I came was when I was sitting in the back of that cop car, drunk out of my mind, and I told the cop that I was having a really hard time in life right now and I drank it away.

     every once in a while i'll get sentimental and tell everyone how much they mean to me. like I did after I watched that movie Remember Me. I recall that heide thought I was going to kill myself and kept telling me to come home, even though I was sitting in my car outside.

     sometimes, in cards, for holidays, people will tell me what I mean to them. but if I happen to do it randomly then i'm probably going to kill myself.

     I waited to tell someone what they meant to me one time. and they never came home to hear my words.


I will never say to my friend, I just wanna talk because I feel shitty and I know you can help me.






at the end of the day I have myself to blame.