.100 miles.

   I.

   i woke up quick, at about noon, i just thought that i had to be in compton soon... or griffith park. i decided to take ashley to go hike around in the hills behind the griffith park observatory since she enjoyed it so much last time. we walked a different direction from the last time that we went. the time we ended up sliding down a treacherous groove that looked like the only thing that had been down it in ages was the very water that had formed it.

     this time ashley spotted a trail that ran along the crest of a hill and ended somewhere beneath the hollywood sign. 

     we hiked, and climbed, and i dealt with my vertigo by being a bitch. i also realized that i am very out of shape. however, i had the gopro with me so i could stop and "take pictures" every once in a while. i ended up with some pretty good pictures of us, but most importantly of myself, since there are so few of those around. 

     at one point i was standing on a rock on top of a peak and taking pictures of the city and basin when i remembered something a friend told me once. she said she liked to climb to the tops of places like that so she could feel better than everyone. i suspected there was more truth than joke in her statement because i feel the same way.

     we climbed a fairly steep hillside and enjoyed a fairly relaxing uphill walk back to the car several hours later. 

     i thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent adventuring in the hollywood hills that afternoon.

     we walked the 300 miles back down to the car and got on our way back home. it was around 8pm when i texted randy and asked him to come to ashleys house and do some drankin'.... naked. randy replied that he was going to a karaoke bar with erwin somewhere near erwins house. to this i replied with a bit of rage because the night before i had asked erwin what he was doing and he had said he was broke and had zero plans. i called him some colorful words and then randy said i should go with them. 

     this whole time i'm sitting in the back of the car trying to decide if i wanted to go down to vista after hiking around under the hot sun all day in los angeles. i decide yes. i'm gonna.

     i am still a bit concerned with time since we are still driving back and it's already around 8:30pm.  so i ask them what time they are leaving. randy says they're about to leave soon. 

     in my mind i am no longer going. 

     i hate meeting people when they are already at a place. i have stayed home because of this several times in my life. i get this weird anxiety and i just don't do it. but i decided this was gonna happen, i hadn't seen randy in a while and i felt like doing some damn singing. i love singing terribly. 

     i tell him its on.

     i go to ashley's house and get my car, since i had it parked there from the night before. i rush home and take care of some business i had prior. i shower, i shave, i cry a bit, i take the gun out of my mouth and continue getting ready. i decide to eat because in the past i have done some scientific research and it was concluded that i get fucking ultra hammered if i drink on an empty stomach. i also try and drink a shit ton of water since i am fairly dehydrated from the days activities. i put on my green hurley shirt and go to mcdonalds for some nuggets.

     the funny thing about mcdonalds is that when i have the god damn time to shit and eat they give me the old rubber nuggets and the cold ass fries. tonight they give me the most fresh fries i have ever gotten and some nuclear hot nuggets. so i sit in my car in the parking lot and air out my food because i can't eat hot food. after a while i decide to eat the surface-of-the-sun-fries and my nuclear nuggets and drink from my bottle of water...myyessss.

     i take off after that. 

     i have always enjoyed the drive to and from san diego. i used to make it almost every weekend in my old blue embarrassment. that's the name i gave my car a long time ago. the blue embarrassment. i listen to music and usually i sing. in my car. by myself. however, tonight i expect to sing at the bar, so i tend to keep it down on the singing front so i don't lose my voice before i get there. i wouldn't want to disappoint all the drunken turds at the bar, and the people that aren't my friends too.

     i make it there with no incident and park outside the building. this will be my car's home for tonight and tomorrow morning since i don't drink and drive. 

     then i text randy. i tell him that i'm here and that he should come meet me outside. (see, i fucking hate meeting people. and these are people i have known for years)

     i wait until i see randy before getting out of the car. as i'm approaching him i hear him yell, "whats up bro!"
     i laugh and ask him if he's hammered. he admits he has indeed had a few drinks and we laugh and make our way into the place.

     i show my ID to the door man and he stamps a pretty little star or my little pony or some shit on my wrist and we walk inside. there are groomsmen and bridesmaids strewn about the crowd and every once in a while i swear i can see a bride and groom.

i think to myself... what the fuck. 

     i follow randy over to our tables. there is john, randy's brother, bree, who really loves me when she's drunk, erwin, and one of erwin's room mates. i look around and figure out where the bar is before i go to the ATM and pay seventy-five dollars in fees so i can withdraw a few 20's. i approach the bar and start the night. by this time it's a bit passed 11pm. no problem.

     i come back and bree gives me a big happy hug while saying that she's so glad i made it out. i tell her that she's always telling me that i should hang out more often to which i reply that i finally decided to listen to her. we laugh and i go around the table to sit down.

     bree is fairly drunk at this time, but nothing a few more hours and drinks can't change.

     we all drink our drinks and yell at each other in close proximity over the sound of strangers mutilating songs we know. the jello shots are bought and eaten, i turn down a shot of fireball whiskey (wisely) and give it to bree instead. erwin tells me that she's having a night out since she's a mom now and doesn't get to go out like that anymore. hardly. maybe.

     randy manages to tell me some of the bullshit that has been going on in his life and why we are here getting shitty at a karaoke bar. i accept it and don't mention it again (wisely). he does say to me, "this is how i'm handling it."
    
     i reply that it is the only way to do things. and we both laugh and return to yelling at each other over the loud-ass music. i get another beer and grab the seat next to bree so i can talk to her before she checks out for the night. bree is a very fun drunk, and tonight, so is everyone else. erwin doesn't seem too happy because he has to drive, so naturally we give him shit about it.

     i remind him of the times when i was completely sober and driving them around while he constantly tried to get me to drink. then i let off.

     the song "club can't handle me" comes on and i make a joke to bree about how in vegas, the club literally couldn't handle me because i was too fucking drunk to get in and randy laughs because he was my handler that night. he explains that i was too wasted to even get let in to the club. i tell her that in theory, the club couldn't handle me, as the song suggested.

     i manage a conversation with bree about how terrible people are at singing and before i know it she is running out to the dance floor to "dance". 

    it's a well known fact that i don't dance. 
     
     it's not that i don't enjoy it, i just suck at it. and i don't try. i can't get better at it if i don't try it, but i don't try it because i'm not good at it. so i sit and drink. i explain to randy's brother that i don't dance in clubs, i just sit and drink. and we both laugh because he feels the same way. from then on whenever bree runs out to the dance floor we take turns pointing at each other to try and guilt someone into going out there with her. erwin loses this round because after all, she is his friend.

     i decide that i'm going to sing randy a song since he's a bit down. so i walk up to the dj booth all nervous-like and hand them my slip.

     i am reminded of when we used to have a band and play at joe & andy's bar. i used to slam a beer beforehand and drink a few during the show just to feel comfortable in front of the crowd.

     the Corona's keep coming and so do the jello shots. after that round i walk up to the bar to get another Corona when i see the bartender with the huge fake tits holding a box over her head and saying something like, "i'm gonna put this box down, but don't be acting like greedy bitches". this leaves everyone to look around at each other because no one knows what the shit she's talking about. then i see that the box contains the famed jello shots we have been eating all night. someone asks if they're free and she nods agreeably. 

     i take the opportunity to grab 5... like a greedy bitch. i get my beer and walk back to the table and i am greeted very warmly for bringing jello shots. i tell everyone that they were free. (if you've never been out with me then you don't know that i enjoy making shit up to tell people. i used to tell girls that my military occupation was being the door gunner on the space shuttle.) i tell everyone that i was standing at the bar and whipped out my dick and set it on the bar and i was awarded the jello shots for my impressive penis. everyone laughs and we toast the jello shots while yelling, "to impressive penises!" 
     i laugh and try to eat my little plastic cup-full of liquor tainted childhood.

     some time passes and everyone keeps bringing bree drinks, and she keeps slamming them home. naturally around 1AM she is to the point where she's about to fall out of her stool. when someone gets to that point it's time to get kicked the fuck out of a place. i know from personal experience. erwin decides to take initiative and say it's time to go.

     we don't necessarily agree but we get up anyway. as everyone is walking out i tell randy to hold on because the guy singing is almost done and if i'm up i want him to hear it. the DJ announces that the next singer will be....Chris.....sy.

     for a minute there i thought the drinking gods had smiled on us for once and it was going to be my turn. we lit up in excitement until she said"chrissy". 

   shit.

     dejected, i walk away from a nearly full beer and head out to the parking lot. 

     in the parking lot erwin is trying to get bree into the car while randy and john fight about whose going to sit "bitch". while this is going on i take the opportunity to sit left window because me being the smallest guy, i always have to sit "bitch". usually i get carsick when i am drunk but tonight i am immune like i was the day of the fireball shots at home. i'm not drunk, just lightly buzzed.  

    the car ride to drop off john is a hilarious drunken mess of mumblings and wondering if bree is gonna barf or not. john is trying to give erwin directions but is being cut off by whatever him and randy are playfully arguing about. erwin is getting mad. we can tell because he starts to take corners like a dildo and at one point he slams the breaks after we miss a turn to make a U-turn.

      we laugh.

     randy mentions something about food and john's ears prick up at the sound of "california burrito". john now says that he doesn't want to go home, that he wants to go the wherever the california burritos are. erwin, the angry dad, puts the foot down and tells him that he's getting dropped off.

     we drop off john and as we are driving bree to carlsbad, where she lives, erwin asks us if we want some Green burrito. randy informs me that they have some thing called a "san diego burrito" at green burrito. i ask him what the fuck that is. i tend to be a bit rough in my language sometimes. i don't kiss my mother, so it's alright.

     we pull into the drive thru and start ordering. halfway through our orders the girl tells erwin that there do not serve green burrito at this time of night. we all groan and erwin kindly tells her thank you (probably because he also used to work at a carl's jr. drive thru and knows people are dicks)

     bree lets out some heinous burps while slumped in the passenger seat and we drive on to carlsbad because erwin knows of a place down the street from her house where we can get some late night mexican food. shit yeah.

     erwin seems to be lightening up now that we are closer to dropping off bree and john is gone. 

     we turn down that familiar street where we spent 4th of july a couple years ago and park in front of the building where she lives. i tell erwin that maybe we can go pee in the house. we get out first and randy helps bree get out. i carry her purse, naturally. even though she's drunk she manages to thank me for carrying it for her. we walk towards the building when randy realizes that there are stairs involved. "no one told me there would be stairs involved," he says. i laugh because i'm not carrying her. bree isn't exactly a small girl. she's not fat, but she's tall and stout, we'll say.

     randy manages to help her stumble up the stairs without rolling back down them and crushing me.

     as we approach the door we realize that her keys are nowhere to be found. oh, and she can barely stand. we open her purse and fumble around while she pounds on the door and yells her husband's name, because people are generally happy to be greeted like that at this hour of night. eventually erwin calls him on the phone and he comes to the door to see his wife drunk as fuck being carried by three guys.

     shit.

     he gives us a disappointed, "i'm not surprised."
and bree whimpers out a, "baaabe..." as if trying to defend herself. he takes her in and closes the door. so much for peeing.

     erwin then tells us to follow him if we want to pee, kind of like the termintator.
of course we do.

     around back there is a walkway type area with plants and an old surfboard nestled against the wall. we all spread out a few feet and start peeing wildly on everything back there. randy manages to pee on the surfboard because, according to him, it looks like it hasn't been used in a while. i'm sure that we are being fairly loud, and because of that i want to finish and leave.

 II.

     as i got out of the car, when we first arrived, i noticed that i could clearly hear the ocean from the car. from bree's house to the ocean is literally less than 400 feet. and in the wonderful silence of the night you can hear the ocean calling you. 

     i mention to randy that the ocean can be heard from where we are. he asks me if it's really the water. he hasn't been to bree's house before and in the dark you can't tell the that ocean is out there in the middle of the night. but you can sure hear it.


     I start to walk with a bit of a spring in my step, down the middle of the street, as i tell randy that we should go down to the water. i can see erwins dad face coming on back there, and i tell him, "come onnnn erwin, lets go!"

     erwin asks randy if he wants to go to the water and randy says yes, so we all walk down the street in the heinous glow of the streetlights, all the while casting shadows on the empty sidewalks.

     we get to the main street, carlsbad blvd. i believe, and notice it's completely desolate. in the dark, and slightly buzzed from earlier, i take off across the somewhat sandy and cool street like a hot dog trying to escape a fat man's mouth. After we have crossed the 4 or so lanes of emptiness we get to the edge of the sidewalk and walk down the stairs that lead to the dark and rumbling sea.

     the stairs are this multilevel octagon maze and by the time we get to the bottom i just want to walk in the sand. at the bottom of the stairs we a re greeted by a wall with what seemed like not too big of a drop on the other side onto the sand. i decide that it's actually better not to break my legs and make the guys have to carry my ass out of there. we walk around and see that the drop is actually pretty damn tall. 

     the night is still but the water is churning in the distance. there is no noise from cars, people, or birds. in the distance i make out the light from a cellphone moving about silently in a crowd of shadows, as if it were a blue firefly being trapped in the gently cupped hands of a hooded figure. i imagine they are smiling and laughing as we are.

     the beach has been smoothed over by the waves and we are trekking out into a place where we are leaving the only footprints. the tide is low enough that we have to walk a good distance to even get to the water itself. 

     randy and i leave new tracks as we move closer to the water in that way you do when you don't really want to get wet but still want to be close to the waves. erwin stays at the top of the hill. down below randy and i are casually running from the waves and discussing the things you discuss after a few beers on a summer night on the beach in san diego. 

     as time passes i remember less and lees of what was actually said, but i remember the feeling that we left there. the ocean spray was landing softly on my face and i felt good that night. i felt alive. i felt that way you do when you're the only ones on the beach at a time when you're not supposed to be out there. i felt free. 

     after a while we decide to walk back to the car because we are still hungry afterall. it is then that we notice erwin has taken off his sandals and is in the process of rolling up his pants. i ask him is he planned on actually setting foot into the water and he says that thats what he thought we were going to do. i look at randy and say, "fuck it, lets do this shit."

     the shoes come off and the pants are rolled up and i am reminded of a matt & kim song that goes something like that.

     all three of us, filled with the energy of the night and the courage from a few drinks, walk down to the water and with pants rolled up to our knees decide to wade openly into the water. the waves crash into our bare legs and make us shudder from the slight chill they leave behind but this is not enough to discourage us from staying. nothing can fuck this up now.

     if we were making music at this very moment it would be a song i want on replay all summer. 

     we walk in and out of the water and marvel at how our pants are still getting so damn wet even though or pant legs are rolled up. at one point randy walks in too far and a big wave comes in and splashes him all up the front so it looks like he had a bad episode of front diarrhea. he just laughs it off and we keep playing in the water on a summer night.

     after a while we back out of the surf and while standing at the very edge, let the water slowly sink us into the sand, like it does. randy says that the ocean always has an agenda, even if you're just trying to stand on the shore the ocean says "fuck you" to your plans and sweeps the sand right out from under your feet. this makes me laugh.

     in this very moment i am glad i decided to drive down here.

     after our pants are sufficiently wet we walk back up to the level sand. when we get there i get the idea to write in the sand. the idea spreads through to all of us and at one point, one poorly planned point, we are all writing things into the sand. i don't remember what erwin drew because he was the farthest from me, but  randy wrote "S.O.S" and i wrote "PBR" so the hipsters would find it and think it was ironic. ha.

     we step back and admire what probably said something like "gibberish-SOS-PBR"


     i think randy took a picture of our artwork before i moved a bit further down the beach to write some initials in the sand. after i drew them out i took a picture. randy came over to ask me what they were and i changed the subject. 

     we walk up toward the car and across the lanes devoid of traffic and i feel the rough asphalt under my still sandy feet. we walk up the same street and tap our shoes on the curb before getting back into erwins car. as we all settle down into our seats erwin tells us that it was a good idea to have walked down to the water. 

     i have reached him.  

     the rest of the ride home involves a slow drive through oceanside, a stop at a mexican food drive thru, she-pimps, full plastic cups of wine with ice cubes, and pestering erwin about "the new anna". but the thing i will always remember is that one decision to walk down to the water that changed my whole night and subsequent weekend. 

     a few hours before then i was 100 miles away in the hollywood hills. i wasnt really sure if i should even make the drive. i ended up having some drinks at a bar in vista, seeing some people i rarely see, laughing and screwing around, and then wading in the water on carlsbad beach. 


     i love california.




tonight is one of those nights when i wish....


(this is the way I remember things. if I didn't write this out, I would just keep it in my head like this forever. my memories are some of my favorite things in life, I bring them here for you to see if you so desire.)



       06-08-2013