Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

Sept. 30th 1999

i feel bad, i think i made sam an addict. Recently I've been doing LSD, but I've been totally clean for 2 months, maybe 3. but i got sam into it. and i know i hit it hard when i did it. 5 or 6 times within the same amount of time that I've been clean. And now i see things differently. (I've heard that later in life you get depression if you do LSD, but i got it immediately after)

 Nothing's the same. we're growing up. and all taking the wrong paths. I stopped getting sam the drugs, but i need to tell him that i'm so messed up now. i need to save him be fore he does something stupid. i may be his enabler.

...but i'm also his savior.


Part 2

the last time i fried, was one time that i went to Disneyland. I guess that i got a super good deal for my $7. I almost died. We were at Disneyland and usually me and sam are like yin and yang. he's the weak follower, and i'm the strong leader. but since we were both wired the roles reversed somehow. And i became the weak one, and sam, the leader. I felt so dead, so gone. i didn't care, but i was scared.

     And at one time at my most vulnerable time in my whole life, i asked sam to pour a cup full of ice water one my head. i practically had to yell at him to do it. I love him for it.

     I immediately took in a deep (involuntary) breath, but felt no cold. my head hurt. so i asked sam to take me somewhere to lie down. And since sam's friend worked there he pointed us towards the Disney infirmary or first aid shack. When we get there Sam held the door open. He was wearing all white all of a sudden. He looked like St. Peter at the gates of heaven. I got scared and thought i had died. I didn't want to go any further, but sam reassured me with a point of a finger.  He held the doors open as the perfect white light emblazoned the dim surroundings. I was more scared than at any other point in my life. inside was totally white, totally bright. I was briefly interviewed and set in a bed, where around me, there were others. 

     Some were moaning in pain, others not so lucky. As the time passed and sam stayed by my side he asked, "do you want me to call your parents?"
     i replied, "no, what are they gonna do?"
and i was right, this was my fault. besides, i didn't want them to know i'd failed in life. so i sat there, dying more and at a far more accelerated rate than before.

     i told sam about how i was falling asleep with my eyes open. and how i couldn't feel myself. numb, dumb, and everybody else is what i was. i explained that  nobody could do anything anymore. I was at peace. I didn't remember any of the plastic friendships that i had. I didn't care for anyone but the ones who had followed me till death. As i remember, there was this lady in a bed next to me wearing all black. and she had this long red hair. 

     i never saw her face, but i knew she was there. And as soon as she left i felt a burden lifted. i felt somewhat better. as is death had been watching me. But before all this, 3 men walked in and had a conversation with her, and it ended with them carrying her out.

From then on I've been clean. but not the same. I've learned to appreciate the reality of things. I've become more introverted and more social to my paper friends. i love. i need. i'm more human than i ever was in my high school career. and i'm still the same.