Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
30 seconds
This is an idea I had the other day, while in the shower, because that's where I do all my thinking. I wanted to put together some clips with some music and show some of the people I have known, all within the span of 30 seconds.
here is the first one.
here is the first one.
Friday, November 15, 2013
i just wanted to talk about something else.
in my travels as a driving instructor to teenagers I came across many things I just had to accept and deal with.
one day I went to pick up a kid who I had a history with ever since he took my classroom instruction. the kid was a real ass, but I could handle him because I was also a real ass. the dude brought a CD on our first lesson of nothing but the Knight Rider theme song so it would loop for the entire 2 hour session. another time, back in the classroom, he explained to us all how he managed to shit his pants while standing in the bathroom.
I showed up to his house for our second lesson and there were people standing outside. I walked up to them and asked if Nat was there because he had a lesson scheduled. with those somber faces they went inside and out came Nat. Now Nat was usually a pretty hyper kid, but today something was different. As we got into the car and sat out there for a while he explained to me that the day before, his mom had found a note written by his brother on the outside of the garage door (the one that leads from the house into the garage). She was too scared to go inside the garage so she called to Nat and made him go inside.
When he went into the garage he told me that he found his brother hanging from a piece of gym equipment. he was dead, and had been for some time. he began to cry.
(one of the unknown parts of that job was that I became a psychologist of sorts to those kids, I listened to their problems and stories for 2 hours at a time, away from their parents and friends those kids told me everything.)
I immediately told him that we didn't have to do this lesson right now if he didn't want to. He almost interrupted me and told me that he wanted to do the lesson, that he didn't want to think about it. he said that he didn't want to do anything different than normal or just sit around at home being sad. he wanted to go about life and not be treated like a cancer patient.
So we ran from that house and drove around town listening to music (which we weren't supposed to do) and talked about everything else, or nothing.
As we drove we came to drive through long beach. I always liked driving in long beach, partly for me and partly to show the kids how to drive in the city. We drove passed a certain area and that made Nat tell me a story. He said that his brother had been doing drugs for a while before, but that he had met a girl and cleaned himself up and even moved out. he said that his brother used to live around there in long beach... then there was a long pause. He was driving over the big hill right next to the cemetery and I still remember it like it just happened. He looked far into the distance at something that didn't exist anymore and let out a whimper draped over some words that were chained to some tears...
"my brother...," he said, and nothing more.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.
I don't remember how the rest of the lesson went.
Ever since my cousin died I haven't been able to deal with death. It's like something broke inside of me. I just shut off.
When that kid told me that he had to walk into the garage and not only find his brother dangling there from his neck, but that he also had to get him down and go back outside and tell his mother what he had found I had no idea what to say or do. And you know what... sometimes that's just the thing that is needed. sometimes just being there and listening is the key.
My cousin was the first Marine from Orange County to die in the war, so it became a big deal to everyone on the base that I was stationed at. People lined up outside my door to try and talk to me, however, my superiors made sure that no one bothered me unless I wanted to see them. they sat by my side and tried to make me feel better, but nothing worked. and nothing was going to work. I have nothing but thanks and gratitude for anyone who tried to offer solutions to me that night, but I didn't need it.
All I wanted was to be normal again. I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, and not have everyone look at me like they were sorry for something that they had no control over. because the truth was, and still stands today, whenever I do want to talk about it, everyone just gets uncomfortable anyway and I feel like more shit than I did in the first place.
(I just want to throw this out there, if anyone ever wants to talk to me about anything at all, I will listen, if that's all you need, or I can try and make you feel better, if that's what you need, or we can talk about spaceships)
My memories are the blank pages, and you, you're the lines that make them worth saving.
Get Better...
one day I went to pick up a kid who I had a history with ever since he took my classroom instruction. the kid was a real ass, but I could handle him because I was also a real ass. the dude brought a CD on our first lesson of nothing but the Knight Rider theme song so it would loop for the entire 2 hour session. another time, back in the classroom, he explained to us all how he managed to shit his pants while standing in the bathroom.
I showed up to his house for our second lesson and there were people standing outside. I walked up to them and asked if Nat was there because he had a lesson scheduled. with those somber faces they went inside and out came Nat. Now Nat was usually a pretty hyper kid, but today something was different. As we got into the car and sat out there for a while he explained to me that the day before, his mom had found a note written by his brother on the outside of the garage door (the one that leads from the house into the garage). She was too scared to go inside the garage so she called to Nat and made him go inside.
When he went into the garage he told me that he found his brother hanging from a piece of gym equipment. he was dead, and had been for some time. he began to cry.
(one of the unknown parts of that job was that I became a psychologist of sorts to those kids, I listened to their problems and stories for 2 hours at a time, away from their parents and friends those kids told me everything.)
I immediately told him that we didn't have to do this lesson right now if he didn't want to. He almost interrupted me and told me that he wanted to do the lesson, that he didn't want to think about it. he said that he didn't want to do anything different than normal or just sit around at home being sad. he wanted to go about life and not be treated like a cancer patient.
So we ran from that house and drove around town listening to music (which we weren't supposed to do) and talked about everything else, or nothing.
As we drove we came to drive through long beach. I always liked driving in long beach, partly for me and partly to show the kids how to drive in the city. We drove passed a certain area and that made Nat tell me a story. He said that his brother had been doing drugs for a while before, but that he had met a girl and cleaned himself up and even moved out. he said that his brother used to live around there in long beach... then there was a long pause. He was driving over the big hill right next to the cemetery and I still remember it like it just happened. He looked far into the distance at something that didn't exist anymore and let out a whimper draped over some words that were chained to some tears...
"my brother...," he said, and nothing more.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.
I don't remember how the rest of the lesson went.
Ever since my cousin died I haven't been able to deal with death. It's like something broke inside of me. I just shut off.
When that kid told me that he had to walk into the garage and not only find his brother dangling there from his neck, but that he also had to get him down and go back outside and tell his mother what he had found I had no idea what to say or do. And you know what... sometimes that's just the thing that is needed. sometimes just being there and listening is the key.
My cousin was the first Marine from Orange County to die in the war, so it became a big deal to everyone on the base that I was stationed at. People lined up outside my door to try and talk to me, however, my superiors made sure that no one bothered me unless I wanted to see them. they sat by my side and tried to make me feel better, but nothing worked. and nothing was going to work. I have nothing but thanks and gratitude for anyone who tried to offer solutions to me that night, but I didn't need it.
All I wanted was to be normal again. I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, and not have everyone look at me like they were sorry for something that they had no control over. because the truth was, and still stands today, whenever I do want to talk about it, everyone just gets uncomfortable anyway and I feel like more shit than I did in the first place.
(I just want to throw this out there, if anyone ever wants to talk to me about anything at all, I will listen, if that's all you need, or I can try and make you feel better, if that's what you need, or we can talk about spaceships)
My memories are the blank pages, and you, you're the lines that make them worth saving.
Get Better...
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
.same Love (all the time we'd have)
there's something about having less than a hundred dollars in all of your bank accounts combined that makes a person think.
me, when I think... sometimes I get sad, and sometimes I think about happy things.
sometimes I rhyme slow and sometimes I rhyme quick. and I can't change.
my sadness keeps me warm, but it also pushes people away from me.
lately I've been sad.
but here we go.
The other day as I got out of my car I noticed a small sliver of silver slowly slinking its way into the sedate sky. At that moment, as I stared toward the sky, I thought... this moon rises and sets every day without much fanfare. some people go long stretches of time without noticing it at all-- unless it's full.
People are the same.
Everyday people come and go from our immediate skies without much fanfare. For me the lack of enthusiasm is because I am inherently afraid of holding on to people for fear of losing them. Or even the notion that people will always return to you in the same form that they left.
When I was in Utah I was riding in a car with everyone on the way to or from somewhere when I got into a discussion about people and drugs and addictions with Celeste. I told her that I don't have the strength to sit and watch someone I care about waste away while they showed no semblance of caring about anyone else's feelings or thoughts. I told her that I don't have that in me.
The funny thing about the whole conversation was that I was talking directly about her and Ashley and Ashley's determination to always try and get her to get better. the calls, the texts, the trips to other states when we have no money, they lies, the hang-ups, the drugs, the drugs. the having to see someone you love waste away in front of you while everything you try is met with a resistance that calms the heart into beating no more out of pure devastation.
I watched as she tried to make excuses and ended up trying to justify herself to me, even though we were both "hypothetically" speaking about other people, and it made me sad and I don't even have ties to her.
I became a Marine because my cousin wanted me to become one. If anyone really wants to know. I had thought about joining the Army, but that fell through. When my cousin suggested The Marine Corps I really didn't want to join, I just didn't know what to do in life. But he was so sure that he had might the right decision that I didn't want to disappoint him.
I had never played team sports, I had never been away from home, I was 110lbs of pure douche, but I went anyway. I didn't belong there. I just did it so we could be closer.
My cousin is the reason I got into video taping everything, and taking pictures, and writing even. I was always envious of his ability to tell a story--to anyone. So a lot of the things I do now are a direct product of his influence on my life.
My cousin had this old Sony video camera that he brought over one day a million years ago. With that camera we video taped our youth. In fact I still have that camera in my closet. It is broken now and has been for years, and it would have cost more than the cost of a new one to fix, but I kept it anyways. It sits in my closet along with all the other threads of this slowly unraveling blanket of memories I have tried to shield from the rest of the world for years now.
He got his wish and joined The Marines and ended up dying in a far off country while I was thousands of miles from him. He died saving his friends just like he saved me so many times in our youth.
When he came home in that metal box I knew I had lost him, but I refused to believe it. He was my blood.
.JPG)
me, when I think... sometimes I get sad, and sometimes I think about happy things.
sometimes I rhyme slow and sometimes I rhyme quick. and I can't change.
my sadness keeps me warm, but it also pushes people away from me.
lately I've been sad.
but here we go.
The other day as I got out of my car I noticed a small sliver of silver slowly slinking its way into the sedate sky. At that moment, as I stared toward the sky, I thought... this moon rises and sets every day without much fanfare. some people go long stretches of time without noticing it at all-- unless it's full.
People are the same.
Everyday people come and go from our immediate skies without much fanfare. For me the lack of enthusiasm is because I am inherently afraid of holding on to people for fear of losing them. Or even the notion that people will always return to you in the same form that they left.
When I was in Utah I was riding in a car with everyone on the way to or from somewhere when I got into a discussion about people and drugs and addictions with Celeste. I told her that I don't have the strength to sit and watch someone I care about waste away while they showed no semblance of caring about anyone else's feelings or thoughts. I told her that I don't have that in me.
The funny thing about the whole conversation was that I was talking directly about her and Ashley and Ashley's determination to always try and get her to get better. the calls, the texts, the trips to other states when we have no money, they lies, the hang-ups, the drugs, the drugs. the having to see someone you love waste away in front of you while everything you try is met with a resistance that calms the heart into beating no more out of pure devastation.
I watched as she tried to make excuses and ended up trying to justify herself to me, even though we were both "hypothetically" speaking about other people, and it made me sad and I don't even have ties to her.
* ** *
I became a Marine because my cousin wanted me to become one. If anyone really wants to know. I had thought about joining the Army, but that fell through. When my cousin suggested The Marine Corps I really didn't want to join, I just didn't know what to do in life. But he was so sure that he had might the right decision that I didn't want to disappoint him.
I had never played team sports, I had never been away from home, I was 110lbs of pure douche, but I went anyway. I didn't belong there. I just did it so we could be closer.
My cousin is the reason I got into video taping everything, and taking pictures, and writing even. I was always envious of his ability to tell a story--to anyone. So a lot of the things I do now are a direct product of his influence on my life.
My cousin had this old Sony video camera that he brought over one day a million years ago. With that camera we video taped our youth. In fact I still have that camera in my closet. It is broken now and has been for years, and it would have cost more than the cost of a new one to fix, but I kept it anyways. It sits in my closet along with all the other threads of this slowly unraveling blanket of memories I have tried to shield from the rest of the world for years now.
He got his wish and joined The Marines and ended up dying in a far off country while I was thousands of miles from him. He died saving his friends just like he saved me so many times in our youth.
When he came home in that metal box I knew I had lost him, but I refused to believe it. He was my blood.
* ** *
The moon will rise tomorrow and set again. Maybe you'll notice it, maybe you wont.
One thing that's for certain is that you don't have to have died to have been lost. You can still be alive and make people twist from the inside with pain so much that they mull over the decision in their minds to keep trying to save you... like they're deciding when to pull your plug at the hospital.
There are some moments in this life I have lived that are more memorable than others, but each of these moments is gilded in the same Love I have carried along with me in my pocket as I traveled to each new place. I couldn't change it if I tried.
I don't want to see you go away.
I didn't want to see you go away.
I believe I can save you.
I believed I could save you.
I will fight until the day I die to keep you alive.
I will fight until the day I die to keep you alive.
There is a scene in the show 'Dead Like Me' where the dead girl gets a chance to speak with her father as someone else in the diner that they used to go to every Sunday. She asks him a question about why they stopped going there. He explains that it was her that didn't want to go anymore, so he went by himself. then he looks at her and says, "I didn't know that was all the time we'd have".
This has been a recurring regret in my life. If I had known 21 years was all we'd get then I would have done something different, or maybe I'd have screwed it up anyways. It feels like one day we're all having Christmas in some terrible place trying to forget life for one night and smiling in each others company and the next day all of that is gone forever. Sometimes it's because you're alive, sometimes it's because you have died, and sometimes there is no difference.
The only thing that never changes is the Love.
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Monday, September 9, 2013
remember me.
when I watched the movie 'Remember Me' I drove home in one of those moods I get into sometimes. I parked at the McDonalds because that is where I was parking at that time in history.
I sat in my car and pulled out my phone. I sent everyone I cared about texts that told them how much I appreciated them and how much they meant to me.
I told Jackson how good of a friend he was to me and that I think of him as a best friend of mine, among other things.
I sent sam a long text about how we grew apart and that I still imagined us as kids at the Irvine Meadows letting all of our angst out to some loud music on a lawn far from home.
I sent several texts that night, to several people. since it was late no one read them until the next morning.
however, heide was awake. I told her that I loved her and that I was proud of her and that i'm sorry we aren't more affectionate. i'm sure everyone thought I was going to kill myself, or that I was drunk. I was doing neither. I was sitting in my car and thinking... like I do.
she asked me where I was, then told me to come home. I told her I would.
I feel things differently than you. I can't help it. I can turn it off completely, but when I get home and I am alone... like I was that night.. it all comes out.
I saw something tonight, after a comment on one of my youtube videos sent me there and I realized... I have never loved an animal like some people do. I don't hate animals, and I don't dislike the pet we have at home, but I don't have a connection with her either. when the time comes, i'm sure i'll be sad, like when I left for Iraq and I actually missed the dog... but I can't imagine being really broken up about it for too long.
I've had some pretty important people die in my life, and I tend to almost rub that in peoples faces as Ashley pointed out the other night. she told me that no matter what, my cousin will have always died a hero... and her family will die as what they are (drug users, drunks, lairs, distant, and whatever else she said to me). I didn't know what to say.
it made me never want to tell anyone things again (which is how I get into these places in the first place). I don't need company. I don't need special treatment. I am self destructive anyway.
but this isn't about that...
I read that comment and I felt like making something, but it has been done and over done. so i'm just going to say some things here and maybe i'll feel better.
my dad always used to say to me, "you show me your friends and i'll tell you who you are." that used to piss me off when I was a kid. now that I think about it, it probably was one of the things I remember most. I have a small handful of friends as of now and I am fine with that. I can't stand getting close to people because, as I have said before, I am afraid of losing them.
I don't know what I am trying to say.
when I feel the shittiest is when I appreciate you the most.
I am worn down and I feel like telling you (as a collective, because if I list people by names I will forget someone or compliment someone more than another and people get butthurt at that)...
I may not show it, or ever say it, but I love you all... even if I specifically say I don't.
there are times when I wish we could drink wine and play guitar forever.
I think we are still silly, like a whoopee cushion.
all of the pictures I take, and the movies I shoot, and the projects I think about making all year until it's the right time are my way of showing that I care. the hand crafted cards, the songs, the recorded books, the velvet lined boxes, the cakes, the smiles, the concert tickets... I would spend all of my money to do the things I want to do.
when we let our guards down at the same time, nothing can stand in our way.
you're my wonderwall.
driving around aimlessly makes me happy.
I will continue to g out of my way for you, even if you don't deserve it.
in my heart, we are close. not everything needs to be out on display for everyone to see.
in the end when someone is going through all my stuff and they find all the things I have written behind closed doors there's going to be so much for everyone to see.
I just don't want to be forgotten.
when I feel like I've got no place left to go i'm sure you'll be there with that big stupid smile on your face waiting for me. and i'll tell you to come pick me up... cause I've landed.
look for me when i'm gone.... forever.
I sat in my car and pulled out my phone. I sent everyone I cared about texts that told them how much I appreciated them and how much they meant to me.
I told Jackson how good of a friend he was to me and that I think of him as a best friend of mine, among other things.
I sent sam a long text about how we grew apart and that I still imagined us as kids at the Irvine Meadows letting all of our angst out to some loud music on a lawn far from home.
I sent several texts that night, to several people. since it was late no one read them until the next morning.
however, heide was awake. I told her that I loved her and that I was proud of her and that i'm sorry we aren't more affectionate. i'm sure everyone thought I was going to kill myself, or that I was drunk. I was doing neither. I was sitting in my car and thinking... like I do.
she asked me where I was, then told me to come home. I told her I would.
I feel things differently than you. I can't help it. I can turn it off completely, but when I get home and I am alone... like I was that night.. it all comes out.
I saw something tonight, after a comment on one of my youtube videos sent me there and I realized... I have never loved an animal like some people do. I don't hate animals, and I don't dislike the pet we have at home, but I don't have a connection with her either. when the time comes, i'm sure i'll be sad, like when I left for Iraq and I actually missed the dog... but I can't imagine being really broken up about it for too long.
I've had some pretty important people die in my life, and I tend to almost rub that in peoples faces as Ashley pointed out the other night. she told me that no matter what, my cousin will have always died a hero... and her family will die as what they are (drug users, drunks, lairs, distant, and whatever else she said to me). I didn't know what to say.
it made me never want to tell anyone things again (which is how I get into these places in the first place). I don't need company. I don't need special treatment. I am self destructive anyway.
but this isn't about that...
I read that comment and I felt like making something, but it has been done and over done. so i'm just going to say some things here and maybe i'll feel better.
my dad always used to say to me, "you show me your friends and i'll tell you who you are." that used to piss me off when I was a kid. now that I think about it, it probably was one of the things I remember most. I have a small handful of friends as of now and I am fine with that. I can't stand getting close to people because, as I have said before, I am afraid of losing them.
I don't know what I am trying to say.
when I feel the shittiest is when I appreciate you the most.
I am worn down and I feel like telling you (as a collective, because if I list people by names I will forget someone or compliment someone more than another and people get butthurt at that)...
I may not show it, or ever say it, but I love you all... even if I specifically say I don't.
there are times when I wish we could drink wine and play guitar forever.
I think we are still silly, like a whoopee cushion.
all of the pictures I take, and the movies I shoot, and the projects I think about making all year until it's the right time are my way of showing that I care. the hand crafted cards, the songs, the recorded books, the velvet lined boxes, the cakes, the smiles, the concert tickets... I would spend all of my money to do the things I want to do.
when we let our guards down at the same time, nothing can stand in our way.
you're my wonderwall.
driving around aimlessly makes me happy.
I will continue to g out of my way for you, even if you don't deserve it.
in my heart, we are close. not everything needs to be out on display for everyone to see.
in the end when someone is going through all my stuff and they find all the things I have written behind closed doors there's going to be so much for everyone to see.
I just don't want to be forgotten.
when I feel like I've got no place left to go i'm sure you'll be there with that big stupid smile on your face waiting for me. and i'll tell you to come pick me up... cause I've landed.
look for me when i'm gone.... forever.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
i was just wondering if you'd come along
I went to go see Dave Mathews Band last night.
I had bought two tickets because I had intended to go with my friend randy, but he had to work. and after the other friends who I invited said they couldn't go, I asked another friend who really wanted to go.
everything went well, the parking was free and we got there early enough to not have to fight traffic or parking lot disasters.
we sat on the lawn and waited. my favorite lawn. the same lawn that I have had the tall cans of Corona since the day they started selling them in that form. I had one this night as well.
dave Matthews took the stage and the crowd, the mixed crowd of young and old, hippies and college Bro's, white girls waiting to become drunken white girls, middle aged women waiting to become drunken middle aged women, and me... we all erupted with the excitement and wonder of fans that know he will never play the same songs as the night before.
The second song in the set starts and I recognize it immediately... and just like last year when he played "you never know", I am immediately over joyed. I don't smile big natural smiles a lot in front of people... but if you ever look over at me during a show I really want to see, and one of my favorite songs comes on, then you'll see a true smile.
this is one of those times, and after the surprise sets in... everything around me is gone and I can only see the stage. I love "the stone". I love the music and I love the lyrics, and the way he throws "can't help falling in love" into the outro. this song reminds me of no one. it is mine completely.
I had bought two tickets because I had intended to go with my friend randy, but he had to work. and after the other friends who I invited said they couldn't go, I asked another friend who really wanted to go.
everything went well, the parking was free and we got there early enough to not have to fight traffic or parking lot disasters.
we sat on the lawn and waited. my favorite lawn. the same lawn that I have had the tall cans of Corona since the day they started selling them in that form. I had one this night as well.
dave Matthews took the stage and the crowd, the mixed crowd of young and old, hippies and college Bro's, white girls waiting to become drunken white girls, middle aged women waiting to become drunken middle aged women, and me... we all erupted with the excitement and wonder of fans that know he will never play the same songs as the night before.
The second song in the set starts and I recognize it immediately... and just like last year when he played "you never know", I am immediately over joyed. I don't smile big natural smiles a lot in front of people... but if you ever look over at me during a show I really want to see, and one of my favorite songs comes on, then you'll see a true smile.
this is one of those times, and after the surprise sets in... everything around me is gone and I can only see the stage. I love "the stone". I love the music and I love the lyrics, and the way he throws "can't help falling in love" into the outro. this song reminds me of no one. it is mine completely.
"I was just wondering if you'd come along
to hold up my head when me head can't hold on
and i'll do the same, if the same's what you want
but if not i'll go.
I will go alone."
A few more songs pass and then I hear the slight incarnation of the beginning chords to "gravedigger" floating around. I know it's coming up. I love that song. in fact, it's the first time i'll be hearing any of these songs live.
"Little Mikey Carson 67 to 75
He rode his
Bike like the devil until the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Ohhh, 1940 to 1992
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain"
He rode his
Bike like the devil until the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Ohhh, 1940 to 1992
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain"
I am up on the rail singing this part, along with all the people in the stadium. I can feel it in my soul. I can feel what it is like to have those big dreams of a boy and I know what it's like to have them gone. I want to feel the rain when I am dead too.
Some more songs pass and then I hear those magic chords. I hear them and I jump up to cheer my little heart out. all I wanted last year (when I was at the same venue to see dave) was to hear "the space between". I had seen on the internet that they had played it the night before in San Diego (2012) but I was disappointed that they didn't play it the next day in Irvine. but this year was different. I had heard it. I knew it was coming. I was fucking out of my mind! i told Vicky that I had waited forever to hear this song.
I am back in my high school times. I remember a girl who I spent a great deal of my younger life with. I remember a video I made for her that was set to this song. I remember, as the song goes on, the lyrics that make me think of her still.
"We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be
The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain...
...The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room..."
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be
The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain...
...The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room..."
i sing, as if anyone can hear me over the crowd and band. i let no one know that sometimes i go back in time, with the aid of a song, and piece together the good parts of a shattered bauble that made up my high school years with her.
the night goes on and throughout the 23 song setlist, which lasted almost 3 full hours, i hear so many of the songs i love. i had an amazing night, besides the having to go to the bathroom once during the set.
i walked out towards the parking lot, slowly, looking at that lawn that was now littered with the trash of hundreds of people and i think about everything all at once. it comes out of my heart and forms a smile on my face.
i say goodbye and i go home.
Friday, September 6, 2013
the struggle against time.
A preview of something...
it's a big ass file so look at it on something that isn't 3 inches wide.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
"if there is anyone who is in the sun"
The other evening I went up to signal hill to take pictures. I just bring my camera and stand out there among all the people looking for the sunset like I am. try and say nothing to anyone, but I watch everyone. I hear the things they say, I laugh quietly at their jokes. I snap my pictures and go home. when you see, or don't see the things I bring home, they are empty compared to the pairings I have made throughout the time I have spent hiding among the crowd.
click to see a bigger size... huh huh..huh.
click to see a bigger size... huh huh..huh.
almost looks like sunrise
flares and city
the kingdom of the sun
I know you're out there
somewhere out there
beneath an orange sky
it's happening
so long sweet summer
city lights come out to play
still some light
as far as you can see
one last backward glance...
Thursday, August 29, 2013
lyrics 01
sometimes... when you're at a show with a friend...
there's a moment when you catch a snippet of a lyric as it flies past you in the open air of summer, as it tries it's hardest to find a home inside a memory.
there's a split second there when that lyric reminds you of the person standing next to you.
then you both turn to look at each other at the exact same time without knowing... and you give each other that look that says... "that's totally you"
then you smile and keep enjoying that time when everything was fine for a couple of hours, under the planets and stars that are slowly making their way into the same place that life goes eventually.
away.
there's a moment when you catch a snippet of a lyric as it flies past you in the open air of summer, as it tries it's hardest to find a home inside a memory.
there's a split second there when that lyric reminds you of the person standing next to you.
then you both turn to look at each other at the exact same time without knowing... and you give each other that look that says... "that's totally you"
then you smile and keep enjoying that time when everything was fine for a couple of hours, under the planets and stars that are slowly making their way into the same place that life goes eventually.
away.
"...You seem so strange to me, I must seem strange to you."
a pleasant interruption to the past.
when you have friends.
when you have friends. they talk.
you share things and are in return are shared with, also.
the interesting thing is when one friend tells another one a certain thing, and then the third friend (without being prompted or questioned) tells you something in contra to the original statement.
when you have friends. they talk.
you share things and are in return are shared with, also.
the interesting thing is when one friend tells another one a certain thing, and then the third friend (without being prompted or questioned) tells you something in contra to the original statement.
example;
Friend 1: I can't stand dicks!
Friend 2: haha...sweet.
next week...
Friend 3: dude.. Friend 1 told me they really love dicks.
Friend 2: did they? interesting...
...maybe we forget the things we say to each other, or maybe we are different to each other. we wear different masks.
or are we shielding the others feelings from some un-admitted, inevitable jealousy?
in my mind are all these statements and new born falseness, and they mix together and recolor the pictures of you I had so doggedly tried to protect from changing.
that's all I guess.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
C F G
to relive those warm nights, would be more than I could ever ask.
with one life...
I remember my mother's loving smile.
the way she looked at me when I left for the Marines.
the way she looked when I got home from Iraq.
the red, white, and blue skates she gave me. the ones that used to belong to her.
I remember the letters my sister used to write me.
...he time my dad told the Marine recruiter that I could be whatever I wanted, if I tried.
his surprise birthday party.
I remember walking to PK Burger with Angel.
playing NBA Jam until we were sick of it.
having ice cream in some chow hall, somewhere far away.
the smiles.
I remember watching the hard work I put into making randy's video for his birthday turn into a room full of laughs and memories.
I remember going to Las Vegas... and putting it all on black...
then losing it all.
I remember watching independence day, and then watching fireworks in the ghetto.
and a mountain dew in the field.
I remember your touch. the way you laughed.
running through a foggy field at night, or riding in the car and listening to music.
I remember the snow.
my 1st guitar, my 1st solo.
I remember that hallway in high school where everything changed.
the skating rink.
I remember talking all night, wrapped in a pumpkin blanket, all the while wishing for more time.
I remember wishing for more time.
...the way it feels to take a big breath of chilly air in the morning.
listening to "the heart of the matter" while people walked by.
riding down the 22 with the windows down and the heater on.
our last show.
watching fireworks from post, one july night in Okinawa.
summer.
I remember the fear of the unknown being slowly pushed aside by the desperation of a teenage boy.
us.
writing about you. wondering if i'll ever tell you.
coming home.
your understanding and loving arms.
I remember love.
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing, it would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind...
with one life...
I remember my mother's loving smile.
the way she looked at me when I left for the Marines.
the way she looked when I got home from Iraq.
the red, white, and blue skates she gave me. the ones that used to belong to her.
I remember the letters my sister used to write me.
...he time my dad told the Marine recruiter that I could be whatever I wanted, if I tried.
his surprise birthday party.
I remember walking to PK Burger with Angel.
playing NBA Jam until we were sick of it.
having ice cream in some chow hall, somewhere far away.
the smiles.
I remember watching the hard work I put into making randy's video for his birthday turn into a room full of laughs and memories.
I remember going to Las Vegas... and putting it all on black...
then losing it all.
I remember watching independence day, and then watching fireworks in the ghetto.
and a mountain dew in the field.
I remember your touch. the way you laughed.
running through a foggy field at night, or riding in the car and listening to music.
I remember the snow.
my 1st guitar, my 1st solo.
I remember that hallway in high school where everything changed.
the skating rink.
I remember talking all night, wrapped in a pumpkin blanket, all the while wishing for more time.
I remember wishing for more time.
...the way it feels to take a big breath of chilly air in the morning.
listening to "the heart of the matter" while people walked by.
riding down the 22 with the windows down and the heater on.
our last show.
watching fireworks from post, one july night in Okinawa.
summer.
I remember the fear of the unknown being slowly pushed aside by the desperation of a teenage boy.
us.
writing about you. wondering if i'll ever tell you.
coming home.
your understanding and loving arms.
I remember love.
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing, it would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind...
broken by my hands
there's a little statue that Sam gave me a long time ago.
actually, there are two of them, a cellist and a violinist.
they were meant to represent me and him.
they are sad clowns playing instruments, and that pretty much sums up my whole life.
one day I got mad and threw something across the room without thinking that anything could break besides what I had thrown.
I used to love breaking shit when I got upset. my own hands included.
this time I threw something into the wall. but I missed.
I threw something and it hit my statue.
immediately I felt like even more of a dick for letting my anger ruin something else that I cared for.
I walked over to examine my statue and saw that I had wounded it. not only had I wounded it, but I had broken off his whole right arm and shattered the bow into pieces.
the statue now sits out of sight so that no one will see it and ask me how it broke, or why I never fixed it.
I leave reminders for myself in my life. reminders to be more caring. so not take people for granted. to not be an ass. to control my anger. to be better...
this statue is a reminder.
the thing is... I don't even remember what made me so mad that I had to break a gift from a friend that I lost around the same time.
the arm sits on the base of the statue with as many pieces as I could find, behind my lamp and an old gift that was returned to me. silent for the rest of my life.
actually, there are two of them, a cellist and a violinist.
they were meant to represent me and him.
they are sad clowns playing instruments, and that pretty much sums up my whole life.
one day I got mad and threw something across the room without thinking that anything could break besides what I had thrown.
I used to love breaking shit when I got upset. my own hands included.
this time I threw something into the wall. but I missed.
I threw something and it hit my statue.
immediately I felt like even more of a dick for letting my anger ruin something else that I cared for.
I walked over to examine my statue and saw that I had wounded it. not only had I wounded it, but I had broken off his whole right arm and shattered the bow into pieces.
the statue now sits out of sight so that no one will see it and ask me how it broke, or why I never fixed it.
I leave reminders for myself in my life. reminders to be more caring. so not take people for granted. to not be an ass. to control my anger. to be better...
this statue is a reminder.
the thing is... I don't even remember what made me so mad that I had to break a gift from a friend that I lost around the same time.
the arm sits on the base of the statue with as many pieces as I could find, behind my lamp and an old gift that was returned to me. silent for the rest of my life.
mixed feelings
i have mixed feelings about a lot of things. a wide spectrum of things even.
my friends are one of those things.
sometimes I feel like telling you to eat a dick and go fuck yourself, the order is not important.
and sometimes I want to drink with you until I can't remember how we got home.
sometimes I wish I could speak the things I feel, other times I want to never say anything again. to anyone.
I will always save a place for you. a place where you can come back to and no questions need to be asked. a place where we can smile through all the bullshit that makes us want to run in the first place. a place in between the lines of something I may have written years ago.
this blog is another thing I go back and forth with.
I meant the post about everyone to be my last one. I said goodnight and it was done.
I guess I wasn't done talking to myself yet.
(so when I go a long time without posting anything, it's because I am thinking of not posting anything ever again.)
even when things are lost and scratched up, bent and faded... you can always come back.
Randy called me on Tuesday night and said he was having a shitty time. he asked if I wanted to go over there that night. my first instinct was to get in my car and drive down there. even though I had plans for that night and wed. night. I felt the urge to go help my friend to feel better. I don't know why.
I may be stupid, and you may know something that I don't, but my friends are my friends, regardless of what anyone else has to say.
maybe i'm just trying to prove that to myself.
...shit.
my friends are one of those things.
sometimes I feel like telling you to eat a dick and go fuck yourself, the order is not important.
and sometimes I want to drink with you until I can't remember how we got home.
sometimes I wish I could speak the things I feel, other times I want to never say anything again. to anyone.
I will always save a place for you. a place where you can come back to and no questions need to be asked. a place where we can smile through all the bullshit that makes us want to run in the first place. a place in between the lines of something I may have written years ago.
this blog is another thing I go back and forth with.
I meant the post about everyone to be my last one. I said goodnight and it was done.
I guess I wasn't done talking to myself yet.
(so when I go a long time without posting anything, it's because I am thinking of not posting anything ever again.)
even when things are lost and scratched up, bent and faded... you can always come back.
Randy called me on Tuesday night and said he was having a shitty time. he asked if I wanted to go over there that night. my first instinct was to get in my car and drive down there. even though I had plans for that night and wed. night. I felt the urge to go help my friend to feel better. I don't know why.
I may be stupid, and you may know something that I don't, but my friends are my friends, regardless of what anyone else has to say.
maybe i'm just trying to prove that to myself.
...shit.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
all i want
Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight...
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight...
you'll always have a place to run to .
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
all my life
i am in the process of making some CD's for a long trip in a car without
an AUX jack when i come across a song-- an old song.
i am instantly 15 again and calling a girl i liked on the phone.
i call her and i sing to her over the phone.
she tells me she likes it.
i smile.
nothing ever happened between me and this girl because
she wanted to move faster than i did.
her friends would literally follow us and try and pressure us into holding hands
and kissing and such.
i wanted to go slow.
all my young life i wanted to go slow.
when i found out that that's not what girls wanted...
i found out that i had to meet a better quality of girls.
Monday, August 5, 2013
climates
"Trying to be the best person that I can be
Is the only quality I have to some degree
To some degree
Ones with narrow minds and hollow hearts
Shoot for gold and look up to the stars
What hope do I have
When my wish is growing cold
So I’m heading home"
Is the only quality I have to some degree
To some degree
Ones with narrow minds and hollow hearts
Shoot for gold and look up to the stars
What hope do I have
When my wish is growing cold
So I’m heading home"
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
jackson was a man.
some nights i wouldnt trade for anything in the world. tonight is one of those nights.
Jackson Recording Studios. founded 2013
Jackson Recording Studios. founded 2013
"you will be mine..."
"Jackson was a man, a man, a man... "
Fireball before doing some vocals. haha... and what a vocal session it was.
good ole liquid courage.
Monday, July 29, 2013
are you at one, or do you lie
we went out last night for a walk on the pier
this is what I found.
(click pictures to see full size)
leaving
coming
the view to the south
if you wait long enough, the ocean becomes
a flat sheet.
"when I was a kid, the world was in fucking black
and white... none of this fancy color shit you kids are used to!"
i'm still learning my cursive
...iissss gayyy
"fucking black and white!"
according to mine heart
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
on a tiny blue star
there is a place....
i was outside smoking, among the mountains and the sheer silence that comes from being away from the city.
you'll have to excuse me if this seems disjointed but i just shared a bottle of wine and a six pack of stella with a friend.
but i remember being in Monterey, with my love. we were eating in a fancy restaurant.
we had the full course. there were appetizers, and main courses, desserts, and wine, lots of wine.
and i remember looking up at her. her beautiful face. the last face i would ever hold in my hands and try to explain how much she meant to me.
i was sitting across from her at the table and i felt something strange.
i felt a giddyness.
this was dinner.
i felt like we were kids that had just shared a kiss far away from the prying eyes of parents or friends... and we realized that love was more than showing it to every one else.
i asked her, do you feel it?
it was the feeling of being in love. the feeling of sharing love with someone. the lack of loneliness.
we looked at each other for a brief second and admitted that we both had the same tingles running up the back of our necks, that we were both sure had originated somewhere in the middle of our hearts and raced out like the words we just couldn't say for fear of ruining the perfect moment.
i was hers and she was mine.
for all of time.
i was on another earth, for a minute. where we were alone and no one else's opinion had an impact on our fragile imaginations.
i shared an infinite feeling for one brief time with my love.
and i will never forget it.
she said that she felt it too.
and that was enough for me.
i was outside smoking, among the mountains and the sheer silence that comes from being away from the city.
you'll have to excuse me if this seems disjointed but i just shared a bottle of wine and a six pack of stella with a friend.
but i remember being in Monterey, with my love. we were eating in a fancy restaurant.
we had the full course. there were appetizers, and main courses, desserts, and wine, lots of wine.
and i remember looking up at her. her beautiful face. the last face i would ever hold in my hands and try to explain how much she meant to me.
i was sitting across from her at the table and i felt something strange.
i felt a giddyness.
this was dinner.
i felt like we were kids that had just shared a kiss far away from the prying eyes of parents or friends... and we realized that love was more than showing it to every one else.
i asked her, do you feel it?
it was the feeling of being in love. the feeling of sharing love with someone. the lack of loneliness.
we looked at each other for a brief second and admitted that we both had the same tingles running up the back of our necks, that we were both sure had originated somewhere in the middle of our hearts and raced out like the words we just couldn't say for fear of ruining the perfect moment.
i was hers and she was mine.
for all of time.
i was on another earth, for a minute. where we were alone and no one else's opinion had an impact on our fragile imaginations.
i shared an infinite feeling for one brief time with my love.
and i will never forget it.
she said that she felt it too.
and that was enough for me.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
it's not, but it can be
i watched an awesome show today and that's the inspiration for the title...
but here's something i just wrote. it's only a line, but i liked it.
but here's something i just wrote. it's only a line, but i liked it.
i remember because i care.
i love you like a kid loves their youth
i won't know why until it's too late.
Monday, July 22, 2013
my lighter and me
this is some new shit I was working on today. it's not close to being done, but I decided to share it anyway.
i'm tired
i'm tired of losing you
in whatever form you take
i'm tired of being myself
and, I don't want to need you
I just can't get you out of my viens...
Friday, July 19, 2013
i think i thought too much last life
i called (texted) around last night, but no one was available.
so i took my camera and went off into the night
to see where it would take me.
i left partly to drive around, well mostly to drive around.
and partly to bring back some proof that i had been somewhere.
i feel it in my bones.
i parked and put on my sweater, the black sparkly one.
i grabbed my camera and slowly walked out to the end of the pier.
when i was walking out to the end of the pier i thought to myself...
when i have my camera in my hand i don't feel strange being out in public by myself.
i don't need to talk to anyone.
i can't do it alone.
when i got there i looked around for a good picture and set up.
i took several long exposures
and the time drifted slowly by
like the moon does on a warm summer night, without much notice.
wisdom is a gift, but you trade it for youth
the breeze blew and the fishermen fished,
the moon stood it's lonely watch
and all around me
people were out on the shores under the slight cover of night
some shared embraces which they thought only they were sharing
some stood alone under the glow of a lamp and stared out into the sea
looking for an end to the train of thoughts that a night like this brings.
we saw the stars when they hid from the world
after enough thoughts had passed i grabbed my stuff and walked
about halfway down i stopped to take pictures of the tower on the sand.
i have a certain affinity for lifeguard towers.
ever since we spent a night out on #6 all those years ago.
as i was taking my exposures i noticed a light flashing in the distance
earlier i thought it was signaling me, but i must have been crazy.
but now i was sure.
so i got out my phone and turned on the flashlight feature.
the light doesn't exactly flash, so i would cover it with my finger to simulate flashing
and in the distance, near the tower, the other light replied.
(it reminded me of when i was in okinawa and the hurricanes
would knock out the power to the barracks.
one night i remember getting out my flashlight to screw around with.
i flashed it at the barracks across the parking lot from us.
after some time we got a reply.
and we went back and forth like that until almost every window
in the barracks was sending signals through the dark stormy night.)
i can still see them huddled on astor
when the other light started signaling back to me
i found myself smiling and even laughing a bit to myself
out in the ocean breeze
then i decided to stop before i looked like a weirdo.
so i walked back to my car and waited a bit for my window to defrost.
the truth is she doesn't need me to protect her
i turned on the music.
loud.
and i drove in the opposite direction of home.
a bit tired, but i still had promises to keep
and miles to go before i slept.
(click the picture to see them full size.)
the city of long beach with a rainbow arc in the sky
a wider view of the coast
the houses and shore of seal beach
the city looked like it was burning from where i was
turning the camera to face a crowded pier makes people
look at you like you're strange
this one has a name. it's called "two".
the reason i took this one was because of the two people sitting
on the border of the parking lot, sharing a moment together.
i could only imagine what they were talking about from my silent observation point.
one of those 'pay' observation scopes aimed at the apartment building. ha.
i was walking back when i saw a good picture here. so i got down to the level of the
benches and snapped a few. i like this one best.
self-portrait.
the tower. under it are two people in an embrace... the quiet things that no one ever knows
are caught forever in this picture.
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