i take x-rays of babies in all states of health on a regular basis.
most of the time it doesn't affect me like it does others.
this day I went into the neonate intensive care unit to do an exam on a newborn.
nothing about it was different. the parents had been in and out, making worried/sanguine faces.
I was worried about doing the exam correctly.
during this time I was under tremendous pressure and scrutiny over my performance at work being lacking, so I was feeling as relaxed as a death row inmate waiting for that pardon call right before execution... and just as hopeful too.
I did the exam and was waiting while my accompanying tech did something on the computer behind me when I heard something in the next section over from where we were.
it sounded like singing.
singing and guitar playing.
I was curious so I walked closer until I could clearly hear the soft strings of an acoustic guitar accompanied by a velvet voice, softly singing 'time after time'.
she was leaned over her babies' bubble covered bed, sounding every bit as soulful as eva Cassidy herself.
(I have had an affinity for that specific song ever since my cousin was killed in the war when I was 20. without going much into that part of my life I will say that he loved it. a big tough marine infantryman loved that song, and I have always kept that memory of him to comfort me when I need it the most.)
I stood there and it seemed as though everyone else had disappeared behind me.
I was admiring a private moment charged with so much underlying emotion that I didn't notice when I felt my eyes misting over the way a window pane does on a foggy winter night, and I was defenseless for a moment.
I stood there listening until I heard the world behind me come rushing back into view and I remembered I was in a hurry again.
I wiped my eyes and tried my best to get the far away look on my face from causing suspicion among the nurses and doctors bustling about the department and walked back to where my tech was sitting.
I went home later that day, like I do, and sat in my room that has slowly filled with memories over time and got my things ready for the next day.
(there was a moment that day when I felt uncertain if I would even be continuing in a program that I had spent the last few years of my life, and my only funds for school, trying to attain... but that one moment gave me a new resolve to continue. I always think of my cousin when I hear that song, and I have come to believe that he helps me when I really need it. it's a strange sign to look for, a Cyndi lauper song, but it comforts me more than anything in this life and will always assure me in the times when I feel defeated.)
I cried in the hospital like an idiot and told no one until right now.
"flashback, warm nights almost left behind, suitcase of memories, time after..."
