Thursday, September 27, 2012
a line to a song that i didnt end up using
i dont know where you are, but could you look up at the stars tonight so i dont feel alone.
Friday, September 21, 2012
last night i went to sleep thinking
i went to sleep thinking that i wasn't gonna go to any of the viewing areas to see the space shuttle fly overhead.
when i woke up i realized that thousands of people had taken to the areas it would flyover to try and catch a glimpse of the Edeavour.
i watched the awesome sight on TV as it came from santa barbara, flew over griffith park, buzzed LAX and took off over to Orange County.
i sat in regret wondering why i didnt go to see it.
i had given up.
my closest viewing area would be the Boeing plant in Seal/Huntington beach. which happens to be right down the street from me. but i hadnt showered, or shaved, or had clothes to wear.
i sat and watched the excitement on TV and i wondered why i hadn't gone.
then i heard something.
a distant rumble.
and before i could think, it was like i was at the airport listening to planes land and i knew this wasn't just a normal plane flying by.
i put on my stupid bed slippers and ran outside trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.
i ran outside and looked up at the sky like a moron, then ran around the back of my house.
then i saw it.
i felt it.
i saw the Endeavour on the back of that giant plane and the two fighter jets flying right over my house... most likely on its way to the Boeing plant.
it was amazing.
i felt like a child.
i watched the shuttle as it disappeared over the horizon of houses and stood there for a few seconds thinking about all that the Endeavour has been through, and that this was the only time in history that i would be able to see this sight. the only time in history.
from now on it will live at the science center where i will probably go see it, cause i'm a nerd.
i really dont even know what to write or say right now, i'm so excited.
earlier i thought i would have just missed it and gotten over it, and now i can't believe it flew right over the house.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, if you think about something... when it happens, you never forget it.
when i woke up i realized that thousands of people had taken to the areas it would flyover to try and catch a glimpse of the Edeavour.
i watched the awesome sight on TV as it came from santa barbara, flew over griffith park, buzzed LAX and took off over to Orange County.
i sat in regret wondering why i didnt go to see it.
i had given up.
my closest viewing area would be the Boeing plant in Seal/Huntington beach. which happens to be right down the street from me. but i hadnt showered, or shaved, or had clothes to wear.
i sat and watched the excitement on TV and i wondered why i hadn't gone.
then i heard something.
a distant rumble.
and before i could think, it was like i was at the airport listening to planes land and i knew this wasn't just a normal plane flying by.
i put on my stupid bed slippers and ran outside trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.
i ran outside and looked up at the sky like a moron, then ran around the back of my house.
then i saw it.
i felt it.
i saw the Endeavour on the back of that giant plane and the two fighter jets flying right over my house... most likely on its way to the Boeing plant.
it was amazing.
i felt like a child.
i watched the shuttle as it disappeared over the horizon of houses and stood there for a few seconds thinking about all that the Endeavour has been through, and that this was the only time in history that i would be able to see this sight. the only time in history.
from now on it will live at the science center where i will probably go see it, cause i'm a nerd.
i really dont even know what to write or say right now, i'm so excited.
earlier i thought i would have just missed it and gotten over it, and now i can't believe it flew right over the house.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, if you think about something... when it happens, you never forget it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
it is, it is.
writing shit down is brutal.
i have been reading some stuff from years ago that i found in a notebook.
its nothing poetic, or eloquent. just thoughts.
but the simplicity of it all is what makes it more real. the things i thought... the way it explained what was happening at the very moment.
i can remember throwing that tinkerbelle at the corner of the room as if i wanted myself to shatter along with it.
i fucking threw that little bauble, i had so carefully bought in tokyo, at the wall and left the small shards of glass sitting in the corner for what was probably days. since i had no room mates at the time, i used to come home and drive myself crazy with my own mind.
my own mind.
i understand why people dont like to write things down.
all i have left is a little section of broken wing i have kept as a reminder.
...and a book full of the brutal thoughts that make me up.
i have been reading some stuff from years ago that i found in a notebook.
its nothing poetic, or eloquent. just thoughts.
but the simplicity of it all is what makes it more real. the things i thought... the way it explained what was happening at the very moment.
i can remember throwing that tinkerbelle at the corner of the room as if i wanted myself to shatter along with it.
i fucking threw that little bauble, i had so carefully bought in tokyo, at the wall and left the small shards of glass sitting in the corner for what was probably days. since i had no room mates at the time, i used to come home and drive myself crazy with my own mind.
my own mind.
i understand why people dont like to write things down.
all i have left is a little section of broken wing i have kept as a reminder.
...and a book full of the brutal thoughts that make me up.
at work they play music
... so i walk out of the bathroom and "come away with me" is playing in the building.
i walk down the hallway and i remember hearing someone calling me in that subtle way that people do.
you know.. pssst.
so i turn around, not expecting it to be her, and of course it is.
i say nothing.
neither does she.
she just smiles, and so do i.
knowing we're both thinking the same thing.
it was one of those moments i love.
sept. 2003
i walk down the hallway and i remember hearing someone calling me in that subtle way that people do.
you know.. pssst.
so i turn around, not expecting it to be her, and of course it is.
i say nothing.
neither does she.
she just smiles, and so do i.
knowing we're both thinking the same thing.
it was one of those moments i love.
sept. 2003
can i shit?
a conversation about something important to me.
me: i have yet to find a comfortable place to shit here.
sexualface: ha
me: thats my only concern. i wish they covered that during orientation. everything else i can figure out by myself.
sexualface: its a trial and error thing.
me: Orientation; "if you wanna shit comfortably, you have to go to the bathroom in the technology building because it's a solo one with a lock on the door." hahaha.
sexualface: see, that doesnt work for me.
me: you wanna shit in the stalls?
sexualface: yup... with a one toilet bathroom that locks, someone inevitably knocks and wants in, then i feel rushed.
me: this is true. that's why it's in the tech building, cause it's solitary in there. ha.
sexualface: haha
me: i like the stalls.. i just hate when some (insert derogatory term here) sits in the stall next to me to shit.
me: then i feel like i cant shit comfortably.
me: i have yet to find a comfortable place to shit here.
sexualface: ha
me: thats my only concern. i wish they covered that during orientation. everything else i can figure out by myself.
sexualface: its a trial and error thing.
me: Orientation; "if you wanna shit comfortably, you have to go to the bathroom in the technology building because it's a solo one with a lock on the door." hahaha.
sexualface: see, that doesnt work for me.
me: you wanna shit in the stalls?
sexualface: yup... with a one toilet bathroom that locks, someone inevitably knocks and wants in, then i feel rushed.
me: this is true. that's why it's in the tech building, cause it's solitary in there. ha.
sexualface: haha
me: i like the stalls.. i just hate when some (insert derogatory term here) sits in the stall next to me to shit.
me: then i feel like i cant shit comfortably.
Friday, September 14, 2012
august 18th, 2010
in the vast expanses of your time
one blink is all i had
pushing through what seemed Resistant
homeward, haunted, dawn so distant
a freedom , still, i found
one blink is all i had
pushing through what seemed Resistant
homeward, haunted, dawn so distant
a freedom , still, i found
august 17, 2010
i'm writing you a letter with my left
hand and you're reading it in the
dark.
The spark, is gone
in its place, a song.
burning in circles near the end.
(misspelling life all along.)
a trail, i have followed
stopping only to breathe
though i'm frail, mostly hollow
i've got something to be.
i have dreamed about the time
when our eyes dim subconsciously.
while we are letting down the walls
our fingers touch and then we meet
and then we meet.
hand and you're reading it in the
dark.
The spark, is gone
in its place, a song.
burning in circles near the end.
(misspelling life all along.)
a trail, i have followed
stopping only to breathe
though i'm frail, mostly hollow
i've got something to be.
i have dreamed about the time
when our eyes dim subconsciously.
while we are letting down the walls
our fingers touch and then we meet
and then we meet.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
redeemeR
i don't know how to say "i love you" to the people i care about.
most of the time i regret my actions immediately after i have said/done what i did.
this week i shot a roll of film through a camera made in the 1950's... i imagined all the people that have held the camera before me. all the family pictures that came from it. all the memories that ran before it and ended up in a box on the curb after life has been blinked out by the world. i imagined what it was like to have paid the 7 dollars and gone home to show the family what a wonderful thing had been purchased. i had successfully bought a piece of the past and cleaned it up, gave it new hope, and secured a few more years of immortality.
i don't understand people -- still.
my lack of frustration control chokes my relationships like the hands of desperation.
i do nothing. i waste all time. i waste myself.
most of the time i regret my actions immediately after i have said/done what i did.
this week i shot a roll of film through a camera made in the 1950's... i imagined all the people that have held the camera before me. all the family pictures that came from it. all the memories that ran before it and ended up in a box on the curb after life has been blinked out by the world. i imagined what it was like to have paid the 7 dollars and gone home to show the family what a wonderful thing had been purchased. i had successfully bought a piece of the past and cleaned it up, gave it new hope, and secured a few more years of immortality.
i don't understand people -- still.
my lack of frustration control chokes my relationships like the hands of desperation.
i do nothing. i waste all time. i waste myself.
talk to me.
(I wrote this after drinking too much and fighting with everyone, like i do.
i went outside to take pictures of the stars by my self.
This is what resulted from my drunken mental ramblings. i have left all the mistakes and typos just the way it was written.)
My life is one big drunken regret. Even though I though I was being civil and endearing I was apparently being a huge dick. Something like kanye west must feel when he's home and no sippin on some syzzyrup. I have alienated my friedn from me by being too understanding and never opposijg their friendships and coexistences.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here, the other times I feel like I belong somewhere else. I always feel that I should have died instead of my cousin because he had lived such a beautiful life up until march 23rd that I don't understand why I'm still living. I am drunk as I am writing this and standing in a parking lot by myself taking pictures of the stars and jupiter. It is cold but I can't feel it because I have drank a few drinks, but I am not happy.
I have never felt wlcome anywhere and I do not feel welcome now. I am afraid to understand people as the changes they represent scare me into sumbission and I don't try anymorre.
I have had friends but I have thrown them away. I have had loves but I have thrown them away.
Sometimes I believe I am meant to be alone forever. Even if it means destroying someone elses future.
I went to las vegas and had a sober dream one night... and the womans voice told me... in order to make somones future, you have to make your past. And I never forgot that.
I have ruined my own life to make others' more pleasant and haven't thought a thing a bout it.
I don't understand the world and I fear I never will.
All I can do is sway here in my drunken stupor under the bright mountain stars and decide.
I have ruined everything I have ever loved... why stop here?
Why not fuck the rest of my life up while I'm at it.
I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna deal with it. I don't enjoy fighting I don't enjoy yelling. I wish I had never met you I wish we didn't have to cause each other pain. There's not enough alcohol to make me feel different.
Thank you.
I really don't understand life and I take every chance I get to lash out at a world that isn't angry at me at all. I was born and found no direction, I can't figure it out.
I just can't figure it out.
I'm sorry if I yell but then again I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. Arguing never solves anything.
The cold air drapes over me like an unwelcome blanket from the east and I wonder where I'm going to sleep tonight.
Echoes in the distance remind me of home but I remember I am not anywhere close. Leave me be and I'll fuck nothing up for you.
Leave me be.
(as an afterthought, i like the whole part about the cold air at the end. i'm pretty eloquent when im drunk. ha.)
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