i sing karaoke.

     i sing karaoke because you did.
i remember sitting in our little 2 bedroom apartment.
you, me and heide listening to music.

we had this microphone that you could plug into the front of the stereo system and sing along with whatever was playing. all you had to do was hit the "karaoke" button and the vocal track would fade away enough to sing along to.

i just remember it all the time like this...

you're there with your buzz cut and you have the mic in your hand and you're singing along to that annoying song by Daft Punk. "around the world".

i see your face and the crazy head movements that accompany a song where the lyrics repeat over and over; trying to mimic the robot voices and dance at the same time.

i see heide laughing so hard that i'm sure everyone in the place could hear.



i stepped out of the shower right now and i stood in the middle of my room and cried for a bit with my head in my hands... i just missed you really bad right then.
but then i remembered this little moment.

life was always so crappy
but that never got in the way for us.



i sing karaoke because you did.

washing the mustang

      Sometimes when people talk to you it ends up annoying you.

      Sometimes people just don't know how to say what they're trying to say.

I was out washing the mustang today because, once again, i have been threatened to move it. Tony was sitting out there being himself.
That meant that he was yapping about whatever came to his mind and being somewhat annoying. For hours. But i was entertaining the conversation anyway.

He was just talking about random bullshit for a while until he paused in his normal cadence and said that his mother was in the hospital back in Veracruz with kidney failure. He went on to say that she was older now and that something has to go first when you're that age and for her it was her kidneys.

...he trailed off for a bit and when he came back he said that he could clearly remember the first memory he had of his mom.

He said he could see himself standing in front of a mirror with her standing behind him. She was getting him ready for school.

He said he remembers wearing an ultra starched white uniform shirt and she was adjusting his collar before he left.
(the whole time he's talking it looks like he's actually there reliving that first memory.)

"she was standing behind me...this big woman"
"she was a beautiful woman... she's still beautiful now"

then he went quiet again.



*Sometimes, if you're careful enough, you can get a Memory to land just right in the palm of your hand... but, when you try to show someone it flies away again.
That's what happened out in the garage today. 

RECYCLED

the things we lose for all the wrong reasons..

i was watching the video i took of sam's wife walking down the aisle with her father in arm.. when i noticed something i have only seen in video for years now.. 

before the bride came the flower girls.. and one of the little girls couldnt stop laughing.. which made me and a lot of other people laugh too.. and there in the backround.. through the pubic hair beard he's got now.. i saw bishop smiling..
laughing even.. and it made me feel like i was missing something..

then theres the picture that i had josie take of me, sam, fredo, and isaac.. and after i showed the picture to sam.. i told him.. the only thing missing is big ass bishop standing in the back.. and we laughed that broken laughter that comes from a place thinly veiled in guilt.
the things we lose for all the wrong reasons.

finally..
it was late in the night.. and they stretched this huge screen across one side of the little area where we were at.. and sam said he was gonna play a video slideshow and that he was dedicating it to someone who couldnt be there.. 

and sams brother was sitting next to me and he said he thought it was for his grandpa..

so i didnt think too much of it... 
i leaned back and readied myself to watch the show.. when the music started.. that one song.. the song we all have in common.. me. bishop. sam. and joser.


the story goes.. when we came home from bootcamp.. we had 10 days of vacation.. and the 1st day.. i think.. we went to bishops house for a while.. and it so happened that his parents weren't home so we broke out the plastic bottle vodka.. well joser did.. and maybe bishop.. im not sure.. it was so long ago.. and we all got on the computer and downloaded music.. well joser downloaded "time after time".. by cyndi lauper..  and he sat there and drank and listenened to that song over and over again that night.. and to this day i dont know why... but we always remember it.


so the video starts and the song follows.. and its the cover of time after time by matchbox 20....

immediately my eyes fill with tears and i tell josie i have to go.. i stand up and walk away slowly.. trying to hold it in.. 
i stare out into the night and i cant hold it.. 

i turn around and here comes sam.. also teary eyed... he reaches for me and hugs me the way a father should hold his son.. 
i cry.. outloud.. as the song progresses... 

you said go slow.. i fall behind.. and the second hand unwinds.. if you're lost you can look and you will find me.. time after time  ..if you fall i will catch you... ill be waiting.. time after time.. i end up missing most of the video and i dont remember if sam said anything to me during those minutes.. but i dont remember anyone else being around.. 

it was like everyone else had disappeared..
and i wish bishop had stayed to see it too..


the things we lose for all the wrong reasons..

  
i think i thanked sam for the song .. but its all hazy and still drenched in the tears i left on his rented tuxedo coat that night..


After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--