i drove to the pier.
and walked a bit.
the same pier where i spent all those summer nights with my old friend and
the girls we met along the way.
i thought about you.
i jumped a fence at the far end of the pier with a big warning sign.
i walked over the water to the edge and i sat not far from the water.
i didn't fear the height anymore.
i sat outside the park.
the same park where we spent many years riding those old fair rides and
dreaming that maybe these times would stay forever.
i sat down and had a beer.
then i had half a bottle of tequila.
alone.
in the background some song played
and i wished it was a different one.
when i stumbled upstairs
i dusted off my old uniform.
i never wore this for anything good.
i tried it on and was surprised that it still fit.
i never updated my rank.
not after you died.
i looked at all the pills i needed now to function.
to make me into someone that can smile when others did.
then i took them all at once.
a small part of me wanted to come back.
but it was too late.
i died in the bathroom by myself.
two days before, i had been at my niece's birthday party.
no one knew anything was wrong.
look for me when i'm gone...
forever
