April 28 2011 (you know i'll always love you)

i've treated you badly. and most times im not really sure how to show my true admiration for you. i always thought you were a permanent fixture for me.

something i could depend on.

the rising of the sun, without imagining the setting. ive settled in and wrapped myself in this blanket i found. and now i cant get out.

i have thoroughly enjoyed our time together, and honestly, i wish there was more. you left your scent on everything i am, but it's fading with ebb and with flow.

so stay a while and hold my hand, im not sure if im ready to go. tomorrow slips into the sky, all the time reflecting the world.

on a string, close behind, steady following flutters a note....

i w i l l a l w a y s l o v e y o u,

i w i l l a l w a y s l o v e y o u .

wait and bleed.

is it a dream... or a memory?

i'll never forget you.

...he was telling me about this girl. and how they were swinging on a swing.
her on top of him.
and the chain broke in mid-air. he said it "hurt like hell."
thinking, he said..."i liked swinging with her."
(looking as if he wanted to be back there again. and not telling someone the story in some guard shack thousands of miles away from home.)
it was awesome.

everyone has their stars. somewhere.

"we" made this. (10.02.2004)

(i was looking through some old blogs and i found this interesting piece. its a blog made entirely of someone elses blog posts. here is the blog)


i made this from pieces of what you have written... most of it i read for the first time... today. i think you figured i had read it all before... maybe i dont lie all the time.



.boys of summer and dreams ice cold.
by; me and you.

how is it that. one girl's innocent relationship. needed
more attention that i gave.
instead of just games.
to transfer this pain. i start runnin.
.and. when i get too close. you just salt the wounds.

how is it that. i. a.m still going through withdrawal
and another day has almost come and gone
.you. divide me. with guiltless eyes.
b.u.t. i'm not gonna lose sleep. i'm not gonna cry.
hold your tongue boy. because you're. running out of time.
burn your. worthless. bridges...shut your mouth.
.now listen.
i'm back. and. every now and then. you are the only one.
bitter. and .sweet meeting. vague. belie.f.s.
playin the guitar. or not...
i wasn't around...
and. i'm sorry i can't be. The Killer. o.f. you. r. heart.
...but. you will never know.
i cried. i died. when. you. lied.
don't try to make things right. destroy. me. if you. like.
destroy things. destroy. people. destroy my. trust.
i. am. nothing special.
true.
if you tell me. i will fight.
make. believe. that. The. w.or.l.d. is. sa.fe. for. you. and. me. t.on.ight.
while. you. destroy. your. emotional connection. to. every. one.
maybe this is why we never work out.

you. are. distorted. my. Friend.
.me.. i am sober. again.

some uninspired posts for the sake or writing again. (04.05.2011)

*all the things i want to do are locked away.
my will is the sky, vast and uncharted.
the stars are my dreams.

some thing pretty from far away,
but no one could ever reach them.

and maybe thats the appeal of it all.
but i never stop looking up at them.

'cause what are stars without someone to look up at them.


*you hold me down. i said.
your plans are all lies disguised in hope and washed with the past.
like money, you make new ones and the old ones become worthless. slowly.
still around in the pocket of and old coat, sometime.
re-discovered and held again, warm in your hand.
never as good as the first time.
but treasured anew. the shine in your eyes back in place, for a moment.
all this time, an illusion.

the things we couldnt mend. (04.04.2011)

It's usually Randy that has the nostalgia attacks as far as friends are concerned. but last time we hung out, it was me. I found myself going to work the next morning, stuck in traffic, thinking about the way things had been before. that feeling you get when you leave.

when i leave.

i thought about saying "fuck work" and leaving to Las Vegas.

i thought about staying home and playing music.

i thought about being somewhere else besides what i had become.


but i just drove to work.
i drove to work and i switched places with my friend randy for an instant.
i wondered if we were different people now, if things had gone different ways. but that just made me sad.
i thought about the road trip we took in 2005, and how NOT according to plan it had gone.
but how much fun it is now talking about our experiences.
the stories.

i wondered if we would do things like that in the future.


i remembered randys soliloquy to the camera when we got to oklahoma, and how depressingly funny it was. you could almost hear the theme to Deliverance playing in the background.

and a wave of thoughts beat back all my sanity and i lost myself.
when i came to... all i wanted was to be back there again, in that warm oklahoma night.

me, randy, and erwin.

not a care in the world.