no one

i care about people very deeply.

but i can throw them away in an instant.
it doesn't mean that i care about them less.

i really have no idea what i am trying to say tonight. but i feel like talking.

a long time ago, a friend confided in me some terrible information.
     i suppose my terrible information is that i do all these things for people because i don't know how to show them how i really feel.
 and maybe i think that my monetary gestures will spark a small amount of something resembling memory in them,..

a while ago i mentioned that i no longer would ask people to come with me to the cemetery...
   tonight i decided (while absolutely drunk) that i will no longer put forth any effort for christmas.

i just don't feel it anymore.

i'm not really sure how to explain it.

.i am a drunken idiot

i'm tired of feeling like an ass.
like someone always has to be on the lookout for me.

tonight i came home drunk.

and everyone let me know.

i feel it's time to stop.

i have become my father.

i'm being honest when i say i don't want to be the guy everyone had to watch out for.

i drink because i'm upset. i drink for a purpose.

     elevator music plays in my head and i'm transported to a time when time after time played on repeat because of someone else.

i drink because i can't control it.

i drink to be closer to you.

i feel bad because i want to be alone.
because i want to walk home at 2AM,
because everyone expects this from me.

you can never win in life. i have learned to accept this.

tonight i will listen to nancy wilson and imagine it was me.
i'll imagine it was me...

i'll find you again.

"every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around"

the free will of people is something i admire.


the ability to get into the car and go drive around aimlessly. losing your voice along the way from singing along to the stereo and remembering.

deciding in the middle of the night to go to a bar and have a drink, alone.

choosing a new career.

telling stories to your life-long friends that they may have never heard before.



     some days i want the world to fall apart in my hands, some days i want to walk in the sunshine.

.in this very moment i'm king

i may be happier sitting here alone thinking about the times we had.

can you blame me?

i've spent the last 10 years thinking of the past. i wasn't much different before but i would like to think that i enjoyed life more while it was happening...

i waited all year to be in that pit on thursday night, standing in front of billie and blue.

i felt like i was 16 again and giving my angst to the crowd in some dirty parking lot under the summer sun... near my friends but alone at the same time.

thursday night i sang like i havent sang in a long time. i was alive for a few minutes.

and even though vicky was there with me, i was alone. i had a clear sight line to billie and it was me and him for a few chords while words drifted away from me and all i could think about was this moment wont last. this moment wont last.

right now i'm sitting here in my room by myself. smiling.
feeling this music i'm listening to. thinking of the past.

i love making new memories, but i also enjoy reliving them later.

i have your memories here with me too.
everyone's. i give them back periodically when i feel up to it. i remember everything.

the farther  away times get, the more blurry they become... but they still beat through me like the last heartbeats of a dying dream.

      my cousin gave me a green Hurley shirt a million years ago, here in this very room where i sit now. i dont remember if it was for my birthday or not. but i do remember i wore that shirt for over 10 years before i decided to retire it so it wouldn't fall apart more than i already had.

     the collar is frayed and there may be a few small holes in it, the fabric is soft now from being washed over and over. i may even be too fat for it now. ha.

     that shirt became REAL the day i put it in that drawer forever. even though it was too late to appreciate it.

     now i have a new green hurley shirt that i was given recently, and i will own one as long as those kinds of shirts exist. it is my totem. it represents the old green shirt i was given in my youth. it represents my clenched hand holding strong onto the few grains of sand i have left from the vast beach of life we walked on, and i can't let them go.

    

This is the day i left for Okinawa. That's the shirt.

dying in public

     i was on my way to do my taxes because i'm a procrastinator.

when i came across a fire truck at an intersection.
i have always had a fascination with emergency vehicles, so i was curious as to where it was going.

i followed it down the street with my eyes and noticed that at the next light there was a bright blue light and it wasn't moving.

after the truck passed i drove toward the blue light, partly because it was the way i was supposed to go, and partly because i wanted to see what had happened. i am the public.

as i pulled up to the intersection the light turned red so i had my opportunity to see what was going on.

traffic was chaotic as there was now an ambulance, several cop cars, and the fire truck on the scene. on the corners there were groups of people standing and jostling around to get a better view. in the middle of the street was a motorcycle rider and a mangled motorcycle slightly under a red truck.

the man on the ground was surrounded by EMS workers unfolding their neck braces and preparing the stretcher for transport.

the people on the corner did their best paparazzi impression with their phones and devices held up in the air like candles in a vigil where no one cares about the victim, only caring about where they're going to post those shitty video clips later on.

in my car After The Burial played a song called To Carry You Away...

"When the ocean tide has risen to high
And the waters have come to carry you away
Remember I will always be there to sing you to sleep"

the man lay there on the hot street in the view of everyone passing by, in the view of the people crowded on the streets, in the view of me.

the light turned green and i drove forward.

i did not look at the man.

but i thought to myself... you can't even die privately anymore.