.in this very moment i'm king

i may be happier sitting here alone thinking about the times we had.

can you blame me?

i've spent the last 10 years thinking of the past. i wasn't much different before but i would like to think that i enjoyed life more while it was happening...

i waited all year to be in that pit on thursday night, standing in front of billie and blue.

i felt like i was 16 again and giving my angst to the crowd in some dirty parking lot under the summer sun... near my friends but alone at the same time.

thursday night i sang like i havent sang in a long time. i was alive for a few minutes.

and even though vicky was there with me, i was alone. i had a clear sight line to billie and it was me and him for a few chords while words drifted away from me and all i could think about was this moment wont last. this moment wont last.

right now i'm sitting here in my room by myself. smiling.
feeling this music i'm listening to. thinking of the past.

i love making new memories, but i also enjoy reliving them later.

i have your memories here with me too.
everyone's. i give them back periodically when i feel up to it. i remember everything.

the farther  away times get, the more blurry they become... but they still beat through me like the last heartbeats of a dying dream.

      my cousin gave me a green Hurley shirt a million years ago, here in this very room where i sit now. i dont remember if it was for my birthday or not. but i do remember i wore that shirt for over 10 years before i decided to retire it so it wouldn't fall apart more than i already had.

     the collar is frayed and there may be a few small holes in it, the fabric is soft now from being washed over and over. i may even be too fat for it now. ha.

     that shirt became REAL the day i put it in that drawer forever. even though it was too late to appreciate it.

     now i have a new green hurley shirt that i was given recently, and i will own one as long as those kinds of shirts exist. it is my totem. it represents the old green shirt i was given in my youth. it represents my clenched hand holding strong onto the few grains of sand i have left from the vast beach of life we walked on, and i can't let them go.

    

This is the day i left for Okinawa. That's the shirt.