home is a concept, by which we measure our loneliness.
another night slips from my grasp, so close that i can almost tell im fucking it up.
i kept all the receipts and napkins scribbled with happy faces and i love yous, in my pocket.
when i reached in to pull them out i realized that i had washed them all. and all that was left were faded fragments of times i romanticized into greatness.
i always step out when everything is going well, and i find a way to mess it up.
theres nothing that can be done to cure this longing for home. my home.
i remember when i left to combat training, all i wanted to do was come home. and when i came home... all i wanted to do was be somewhere else. with you.
with me.
i dont know who i am, and i dont know where home is.
people have always held places for me, in line, in their hearts, in their memories, but i cant be everywhere at the same time. reality could never do. for me.
the truth is, i may be a depressive. and im only happy when i'm depressed.
its just so easy to think about the bad things. and so hard to learn to smile.
i have lived the life i wrote out, and i have failed to write a happy ending.
i saw the stars one time when i was younger, and i remember having this feeling that i belonged somewhere else... somewhere not here.
i just want to go home.
i just want you to come home.
...dont ever tell anyone the truth. cause then they start to think differently of you.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
something i read.
i remember when we were in bootcamp they gave us the option to buy a yearbook and several portraits and such of the terrible pictures they had made us take.
me being me bought a yearbook, and maybe a few normal sized portraits. eight-by-tens i believe.
and my cousin, being who he was, bought the Ultimate Narcissist Package. hahaha
there was huge portraits, wallets, five-by-sixes, and even fridge magnets.
i always got a kick out of that.
i was reading an old conversation i had with my sister and she said...
(sister): mami has the big one of him in uniform next to her bed
(me): i remember he laughed cause he bought the biggest ones..
(sister): yea, and magnets forthe fridge
(me): i forgot those...hahaha!!
(sister): yea we have one
(sister): n he had keychains
(me): yeah.
but thats just the kind of person he was. not necessarily full of himself. just always trying to be so much to everyone else.
i read that and it made me smile. thinking of the huge envelope of pictures that arrived at the house.
hahaha
me being me bought a yearbook, and maybe a few normal sized portraits. eight-by-tens i believe.
and my cousin, being who he was, bought the Ultimate Narcissist Package. hahaha
there was huge portraits, wallets, five-by-sixes, and even fridge magnets.
i always got a kick out of that.
i was reading an old conversation i had with my sister and she said...
(sister): mami has the big one of him in uniform next to her bed
(me): i remember he laughed cause he bought the biggest ones..
(sister): yea, and magnets forthe fridge
(me): i forgot those...hahaha!!
(sister): yea we have one
(sister): n he had keychains
(me): yeah.
but thats just the kind of person he was. not necessarily full of himself. just always trying to be so much to everyone else.
i read that and it made me smile. thinking of the huge envelope of pictures that arrived at the house.
hahaha
my version of the end of The Great Gatsby.
tomorrow we will wake up.
into the oncoming crowd.
hiding our faces,
hiding our thorns.
eyes searching for the one we want.
the one we need at our heels.
and so we run, farther from the sun each day.
until one day, we forget what it was like to have that warmth...only true love may bring.
into the oncoming crowd.
hiding our faces,
hiding our thorns.
eyes searching for the one we want.
the one we need at our heels.
and so we run, farther from the sun each day.
until one day, we forget what it was like to have that warmth...only true love may bring.
more old stuff
Dreams are so deceiving
Especially the ones you want to stay
A taste of what could be.
The way things aren't
How i wish you were here
Especially the ones you want to stay
A taste of what could be.
The way things aren't
How i wish you were here
something old from Dec. 07, 2006.
the date on this file is dec 07, 2006. it is probably from an earlier time though.
you coulda been someone
i remember when we met. i remember how ifell
we were only kids. but i still remember.
i was a poor boy, and you were a queen.
my tattered shoes, hand-me-downs.
my shirts, second hand.
your eyes blue as ice, with an outline of coal.
your hair black as midnight and wonderfully short.
i had never seen a girl like you before
and i faded into the background, as i always did, hiding all my shortcomings...my material faults. after all, what could i give you that hadn't already been offered.
and i couldn't believe when you walked up to me.
you asked me my name.
"christian" i exhaled.
"i like that name." you said, with a smile so inviting , filled with promises that everything would be secondary to me.
"wha-...whats your name?" i barely returned.
you said.."Luminara"
and i melted inside, while my soul turned its light towards the beautiful girl and the candy cane words we exchanged.
i saw you again. day after day.
in the morning when we walked to school.
if it was cold, i gave you my mittens.
if you let me, i carried your books, and we sat together during lunch. you, kicking the back of my chair playfully in class.
me, writing you notes and leaving them in your desk.
almost like playground love.
we would walk home from school.
slow.
dragging out our time.
if you got cold, i'd give you my jacket.
if i got cold...you'd hold my hand, and give me a hug, while the words we never said, floated in the air around us like flower petals on their way to the ground.
all the time your beautiful smile ensuring me that i would always be ok.
with you around.
my heart illuminated from within by your firefly words i was holding inside.
and i brought up my hand, to your pale moonrise face, while my knees struggled to stay in place.
i pushed the hair out of your face and looked into your eyes expecting to see all the world in return.
but he vision was empty.
nothing more than your blue, nothing less than
than me without you.
but i brushed it off and we lived out our school days.
if i got sick and missed a day, you'd come to visit and share some of your smiles with me.
i saved every last one.
And summer stayed and winter went.
i thought that you were heaven sent.
my dirty clothes and ratty things were never a match for your angel wings.
but you didn't care.
and the days went on.
i remember.
the next year in school. i didn't see you.
i went to your house.
but no one was there and the window to your room revealed a house empty and dark.
you had moved while i was away.
and now you were gone.
and i was alone again.
wanting nothing more than to go back to the start.
back to the sunrise days which seemed never ending.
when you held my hand, and i held your heart.
i wished i had known, i wished you hadn't gone.
i remember nothing was the same .anymore .
i walked, just to get where i was going.
i sat alone in class. and watched from the back as the world blurred and fast forwarded while i stood still.
and no one ever compared to you.
i started playing guitar years later. and i started a band.
i wrote songs about Luminara.
but nothing would bring back that feeling from when she used to sing me that song.
that song that still makes me cry every time.
i hear it.
and somewhere along the way, under streetlights that have gone out, and past all the cloud covered days where the rain falls like tear drops heavy and from the heart.
i was standing on stage.
with my guitar.
and my rag-tag band.
in between songs.
when i saw a girl in the very front row.
all alone.
with stunning black hair, chin-length. and these two eyes that shone bright, passed all the stage lights and crowd, like two comets racing through the sky letting off trails of blue.
it was you.
And immediately . i knew the song i would play.
so i played it.
i was a poor boy\and you were a queen
and i couldn't talk to you with my self esteem
so you asked me my name\and i walked you home
i never thought i would end up alone...
Luminara\i cant let go\ each time i think of you
and all the things that we went through
another day will pass\ and i'll forget the way you used to\
hold my hand\
the way you'd always understand
now im left like your eyes\blue
Luminara\i never got to say goodbye to you....
and when i said her name... my punk rock disguise vanished and she remembered the boy from yesterday and their story.
and i could see a mascara trail from the bottom of her eye to the corner of her lips where a tear had gone to rest.
she jumped up on stage and gave me a hug with the smile on her face, as a promise that i'd never lose her again.
and i looked into her eyes and saw my reflection, her, the past, and the world.
i reached up with my hand, to touch her face, and i pushed the hair out of her eyes and kissed her our first kiss.
the way i should have so many years before.
i remember Luminara..
you coulda been someone
i remember when we met. i remember how ifell
we were only kids. but i still remember.
i was a poor boy, and you were a queen.
my tattered shoes, hand-me-downs.
my shirts, second hand.
your eyes blue as ice, with an outline of coal.
your hair black as midnight and wonderfully short.
i had never seen a girl like you before
and i faded into the background, as i always did, hiding all my shortcomings...my material faults. after all, what could i give you that hadn't already been offered.
and i couldn't believe when you walked up to me.
you asked me my name.
"christian" i exhaled.
"i like that name." you said, with a smile so inviting , filled with promises that everything would be secondary to me.
"wha-...whats your name?" i barely returned.
you said.."Luminara"
and i melted inside, while my soul turned its light towards the beautiful girl and the candy cane words we exchanged.
i saw you again. day after day.
in the morning when we walked to school.
if it was cold, i gave you my mittens.
if you let me, i carried your books, and we sat together during lunch. you, kicking the back of my chair playfully in class.
me, writing you notes and leaving them in your desk.
almost like playground love.
we would walk home from school.
slow.
dragging out our time.
if you got cold, i'd give you my jacket.
if i got cold...you'd hold my hand, and give me a hug, while the words we never said, floated in the air around us like flower petals on their way to the ground.
all the time your beautiful smile ensuring me that i would always be ok.
with you around.
my heart illuminated from within by your firefly words i was holding inside.
and i brought up my hand, to your pale moonrise face, while my knees struggled to stay in place.
i pushed the hair out of your face and looked into your eyes expecting to see all the world in return.
but he vision was empty.
nothing more than your blue, nothing less than
than me without you.
but i brushed it off and we lived out our school days.
if i got sick and missed a day, you'd come to visit and share some of your smiles with me.
i saved every last one.
And summer stayed and winter went.
i thought that you were heaven sent.
my dirty clothes and ratty things were never a match for your angel wings.
but you didn't care.
and the days went on.
i remember.
the next year in school. i didn't see you.
i went to your house.
but no one was there and the window to your room revealed a house empty and dark.
you had moved while i was away.
and now you were gone.
and i was alone again.
wanting nothing more than to go back to the start.
back to the sunrise days which seemed never ending.
when you held my hand, and i held your heart.
i wished i had known, i wished you hadn't gone.
i remember nothing was the same .anymore .
i walked, just to get where i was going.
i sat alone in class. and watched from the back as the world blurred and fast forwarded while i stood still.
and no one ever compared to you.
i started playing guitar years later. and i started a band.
i wrote songs about Luminara.
but nothing would bring back that feeling from when she used to sing me that song.
that song that still makes me cry every time.
i hear it.
and somewhere along the way, under streetlights that have gone out, and past all the cloud covered days where the rain falls like tear drops heavy and from the heart.
i was standing on stage.
with my guitar.
and my rag-tag band.
in between songs.
when i saw a girl in the very front row.
all alone.
with stunning black hair, chin-length. and these two eyes that shone bright, passed all the stage lights and crowd, like two comets racing through the sky letting off trails of blue.
it was you.
And immediately . i knew the song i would play.
so i played it.
i was a poor boy\and you were a queen
and i couldn't talk to you with my self esteem
so you asked me my name\and i walked you home
i never thought i would end up alone...
Luminara\i cant let go\ each time i think of you
and all the things that we went through
another day will pass\ and i'll forget the way you used to\
hold my hand\
the way you'd always understand
now im left like your eyes\blue
Luminara\i never got to say goodbye to you....
and when i said her name... my punk rock disguise vanished and she remembered the boy from yesterday and their story.
and i could see a mascara trail from the bottom of her eye to the corner of her lips where a tear had gone to rest.
she jumped up on stage and gave me a hug with the smile on her face, as a promise that i'd never lose her again.
and i looked into her eyes and saw my reflection, her, the past, and the world.
i reached up with my hand, to touch her face, and i pushed the hair out of her eyes and kissed her our first kiss.
the way i should have so many years before.
i remember Luminara..
Sunday, May 1, 2011
time
i just heard that osama bin laden was killed. im emotional. im happy. im reminiscant. im all kinds of things right now. all at once.
this is such a monumental thing to happen. i wish my cousin was here to see this. more than anything.
this is such a monumental thing to happen. i wish my cousin was here to see this. more than anything.
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