talk to me.

 (I wrote this after drinking too much and fighting with everyone, like i do. 
i went outside to take pictures of the stars by my self. 
This is what resulted from my drunken mental ramblings. i have left all the mistakes and typos just the way it was written.)



My life is one big drunken regret. Even though I though I was being civil and endearing I was apparently being a huge dick. Something like kanye west must feel when he's home and no sippin on some syzzyrup.  I have alienated my friedn from me by being too understanding and never opposijg their friendships and coexistences. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here, the other times I feel like I belong somewhere else. I always feel that I should have died instead of my cousin because he had lived such a beautiful life up until march 23rd that I don't understand why I'm still living. I am drunk as I am writing this and standing in a parking lot by myself taking pictures of the stars and jupiter. It is cold but I can't feel it because I have drank a few drinks, but I am not happy.

I have never felt wlcome anywhere and I do not feel welcome now. I am afraid to understand people as the changes they represent scare me into sumbission and I don't try anymorre.

I have had friends but I have thrown them away. I have had loves but I have thrown them away.

Sometimes I believe I am meant to be alone forever. Even if it means destroying someone elses future.

I went to las vegas and had a sober dream one night... and the womans voice told me... in order to make somones future, you have to make your past. And I never forgot that.

I have ruined my own life to make others' more pleasant and haven't thought a thing a bout it.

I don't understand the world and I fear I never will.

All I can do is sway here in my drunken stupor under the bright mountain stars and decide.

I have ruined everything I have ever loved... why stop here?

Why not fuck the rest of my life up while I'm at it.

I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna deal with it.  I don't enjoy fighting I don't enjoy yelling. I wish I had never met you I wish we didn't have to cause each other pain. There's not enough alcohol to make me feel different.

Thank you.

I really don't understand life and I take every chance I get to lash out at a world that isn't angry at me at all. I was born and found no direction, I can't figure it out.

I just can't figure it out.

I'm sorry if I yell but then again I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. Arguing never solves anything.

The cold air drapes over me like an unwelcome blanket from the east and I wonder where I'm going to sleep tonight.

Echoes in the distance remind me of home but I remember I am not anywhere close. Leave me be and I'll fuck nothing up for you.

Leave me be.


(as an afterthought, i like the whole part about the cold air at the end. i'm pretty eloquent when im drunk. ha.)