remember me.

     when I watched the movie 'Remember Me' I drove home in one of those moods I get into sometimes. I parked at the McDonalds because that is where I was parking at that time in history.

     I sat in my car and pulled out my phone. I sent everyone I cared about texts that told them how much I appreciated them and how much they meant to me.

     I told Jackson how good of a friend he was to me and that I think of him as a best friend of mine, among other things.

     I sent sam a long text about how we grew apart and that I still imagined us as kids at the Irvine Meadows letting all of our angst out to some loud music on a lawn far from home.

     I sent several texts that night, to several people. since it was late no one read them until the next morning.

     however, heide was awake. I told her that I loved her and that I was proud of her and that i'm sorry we aren't more affectionate. i'm sure everyone thought I was going to kill myself, or that I was drunk. I was doing neither. I was sitting in my car and thinking... like I do.

     she asked me where I was, then told me to come home. I told her I would.



I feel things differently than you. I can't help it. I can turn it off completely, but when I get home and I am alone... like I was that night.. it all comes out.


     I saw something tonight, after a comment on one of my youtube videos sent me there and I realized... I have never loved an animal like some people do. I don't hate animals, and I don't dislike the pet we have at home, but I don't have a connection with her either. when the time comes, i'm sure i'll be sad, like when I left for Iraq and I actually missed the dog... but I can't imagine being really broken up about it for too long.


     I've had some pretty important people die in my life, and I tend to almost rub that in peoples faces as Ashley pointed out the other night. she told me that no matter what, my cousin will have always died a hero... and her family will die as what they are (drug users, drunks, lairs, distant, and whatever else she said to me). I didn't know what to say.

     it made me never want to tell anyone things again (which is how I get into these places in the first place). I don't need company. I don't need special treatment. I am self destructive anyway.

     but this isn't about that...


     I read that comment and I felt like making something, but it has been done and over done. so i'm just going to say some things here and maybe i'll feel better.





     my dad always used to say to me, "you show me your friends and i'll tell you who you are." that used to piss me off when I was a kid. now that I think about it, it probably was one of the things I remember most. I have a small handful of friends as of now and I am fine with that. I can't stand getting close to people because, as I have said before, I am afraid of losing them.

I don't know what I am trying to say.




     when I feel the shittiest is when I appreciate you the most.

I am worn down and I feel like telling you (as a collective, because if I list people by names I will forget someone or compliment someone more than another and people get butthurt at that)...

I may not show it, or ever say it, but I love you all... even if I specifically say I don't.

there are times when I wish we could drink wine and play guitar forever.

I think we are still silly, like a whoopee cushion.

all of the pictures I take, and the movies I shoot, and the projects I think about making all year until it's the right time are my way of showing that I care. the hand crafted cards, the songs, the recorded books, the velvet lined boxes, the cakes, the smiles, the concert tickets... I would spend all of my money to do the things I want to do.


when we let our guards down at the same time, nothing can stand in our way.

you're my wonderwall.


driving around aimlessly makes me happy.


I will continue to g out of my way for you, even if you don't deserve it.



in my heart, we are close. not everything needs to be out on display for everyone to see.


    in the end when someone is going through all my stuff and they find all the things I have written behind closed doors there's going to be so much for everyone to see.
I just don't want to be forgotten.



when I feel like I've got no place left to go i'm sure you'll be there with that big stupid smile on your face waiting for me. and i'll tell you to come pick me up... cause I've landed.














look for me when i'm gone.... forever.