i am a liar

     i wrote a post about making friends and my aversion to it. 

i lied about my reasons.

my reasons are i get close to people too quickly. and eventually some bullshit happens and we can't hang out anymore. 

     When i was about to leave 29 palms my best friend McCoy was saying goodbye to me.
he got orders to the east coast and i got sent to japan. most likely i would never see him again. however in the few months we knew each other i had developed a good relationship with him. that was probably my 1st friend outside of high school and now he was leaving forever.

     i shook his hand and replied, "not goodbye, i'll see you later." 
i never saw him again. 


i would rather not make friends than have to deal with losing people.


     i also don't like to talk about myself to people over and over again. it blows.
you meet someone new and eventually you have to share yourself with them or else the relationship dies. i have let lots of relationships die. people think i'm trying to hide things.
the truth is that i am hiding things.

     but these things, to me, seem like they shouldn't be public affairs. i'm a private person.
eventually we have to talk about my cousin. or someone finds out i have a daughter. and i don't want to talk about these things. ever. 
i slip sometimes when i've had a few but if i had a chance i'd keep my fuckin mouth shut.

     i don't even like discussing these things with the good friends i have now. 

i don't know what to do so i run away. i don't want to lie so i run away. 


people always want to know things until they find them out. 

i guess this is my way of saying fuck you for caring. fuck me for caring.