the first time i had sex i was 16, but some back story is needed first.
when i was in high school the internet was a new thing, and so was having a computer in your house. if you had a computer you had ONE computer and it sat somewhere out in the open. it required a telephone line to get onto the internet (which at that time was AOL or nothing). if someone called the house while you were on the internet it would kick you off. the internet usage was by minutes, much like cell phones are now.
there were these things called "chat rooms". in these chat rooms people would go to talk about common interests or topics. the one we frequented was called orange county. it was usually full and there would often be 3 or 4 separate rooms to accommodate all the people trying to get in to "chat".
you would go blindly into these rooms and ask "a/s/l/?" and people would answer things like 46/m/ca. or some shit like that. ha.
if you got lucky you could meet girls there. thats where alfredo came in.
we would go home directly after school and get right on the computer. one day we got into the OC room and actually met some girls. now once you met some "girls" you traded shitty quality pictures because cameras still used film, and the digital cameras that did exist had shitty resolution and were super expensive. so you had to get a hard copy picture of yourself and scan it to send it to girls and they had to do the same. well, these girls we met were fun sounding and alfredo eventually got their phone number because it was actually easier to talk on the phone than to talk on the computer.
one girl was named laura and the other was siobhan, they were giggly and taking turns yelling into the phone and giggling as we wondered when we would meet.
alfredo being the smooth pimp he was at the tender age of 15 got them to meet us at the local mall one weekend.
at this time in life i had green spikes that were about 4 inches tall and was skinny and damn handsome if i do say so myself. i wore the same blue hoodie with the thumb holes in it everyday. and i was still no good at talking to girls. but i went as wingman for my friend.
we take the family van and go to he mall. when we arrive we have to basically find them because cell phones were a thing of the future at this time. we found them finally and started talking. alfredo talked to laura and i talked to siobhan. if you can call it that. she was super shy but i thought she was pretty.
she was an irish girl with these sad eyes and light brown hair... and like the song says, i can't remember if they're green or if they're blue. but i liked her immediately.
the details aren't important, but we started dating after alfredo had fucked and discarded laura just as 15 year old boys with cars do.
we were a couple months into our relationship when she came to my house one day after school.
we used to sit on the couch in the living room and talk and flirt and slightly touch each other a little more each time while wondering where today would end up and feeling the newness of life floating all around us. that day i found my nerve somewhere and asked her if she wanted to go into my room.
now i had lied to girls before about my level of sexual experience but i told her the truth a few weekends prior when i found out (in alfredos van, while he was out fucking laura in mile square park at night) she was a virgin. i told her that i was too and we sat awkwardly in the van knowing what was going on in a field not too far away under the moonless sky.
we walked into my pathetic room where i slept on my sisters old twin size bed and had shit strewn about everywhere. i led her to the bed because even then i had strategically not put chairs in my room so people would have to sit on the bed or the floor if they needed to sit.
i had no idea what i was doing.
up to this point i had made out with her, i had been up her shirt, and slightly seen the actual treasures she held in her shirt for me but i had never touched a girl and didn't exactly know what to do in that department.
i remember making out and eventually getting in her pants, and awkwardly asking if she wanted to do it. she replied that she did if i did.
this threw me back.
i didn't really expect her to say yes. so i lost all my nerve and got super nervous.
so much that i actually had to go into the bathroom and give myself a Dirk Diggler style pep talk so i could get ready to go back in there and do what i imagined would make me a man.
i went back in there and things led to the moment. the TV was watching us in the background and the little noises she made she would later confide in me were because "it hurt like a bitch". we had sex for what seemed like an eternity to me due to that fact that i was so nervous i couldn't cum for the life of me, so because i had a condom on i just stopped eventually and she didn't know any better because she was a virgin just like i was.
i had become a man.
i didn't feel like a man at all. i felt nervous still... had she enjoyed it? did i do it right? would she want to do it again? did i put the damn rubber on right?
i felt like i had stepped into something that i had no idea how to explain.
i lost my virginity in a manner that, to me, was ideal. she was my girlfriend and i loved her for a few of Vivaldi's seasons before i ruined everything like i would do for every relationship after she walked home for the last time.
i loved an irish girl and she loved me back, i just didn't know how to let her love me back.
i have loved many ladies since then, and some i don't even remember, but i'll never forget the way she looked the first time i convinced myself that i was ready to take on a world i didn't understand and wouldn't understand for many years after that.
...our song was glycerine.
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