i used to write

     I used to write these letters to myself about once a year. this is one of them.




At this point in time, or better yet,
As of June 3rd, 2002...
 
The girl who you were with for almost 3 years,
karys, has left you.

     you're still in love with her, or the idea of her.
you had the most wonderful of times with her. and she loved you.
in return, you were inconsiderate, unappreciative and a bastard.
but she claims every moment was great... you have since apologized to her. and she in turn brought up all the times that made everything worth it. and even though you're not together anymore... you still talk to her because she said she still wanted to be friends. you didn't, but you do it for her. and partly because you can't let go.

     you have two current best friends...
sam and bishop.
you talk to bishop on rare occasions...but you have had the best of times with him. anything stupid that could possibly be thought, you two have done.
and even though you met in high school, you are brought close by certain moments in life where each has been a shoulder to lean on. you still want to do many things with bishop. and that road trip is still in the works.

     sam you talk to more often... you and him have also known each other since high school, but are also just like brothers. you share the same taste in most areas and have the same obsessions. you got sam started playing the guitar and he's come a long way. you and him always talk about "Pollux Cock"... the band you are going to start one day. you and sam have also helped each other through the times when the world got blurry. he has also always been there for you. for sam, there is nothing you wouldn't do. and although sometimes you don't approve of the things he does. in the end you just want him to be happy too.

     there are many girls you have loved. but there is one you've always had a crush on. her name is Rachael. she is the kind of girl that everyone likes. the kind of girl that it's easy to fall in love with. you have seen her strong. you have held her hand when weak. you tell her things no one knows. she may be your only true female friend, and it's great. she is the most beautiful girl you know. well, you and sam.
     you both hold her in the highest of regards. in fact, she is your latest muse. you've written some decent poems about her. but you don't think you'll ever tell her any of this. you don't wanna ruin anything you have. you never know what to say to her.

     you just bought the second guitar you have bought with your own money... an Ibanez acoustic/electric with an awesome fire pattern around the sound hole. it sounds great. your first guitar is still in good condition. everyone makes fun of it, but you know it does what it's supposed to. that guitar, you will leave the way it is. you want to buy an Ibanez RG570... and that $1,500 Gretsch. you also want a Marshall half stack. yeah. but that is just a "want". you don't practice as much as you should, but you are learning new things. you wish you could play some stuff with sam, so you could record it and save it. you still dream of being able to write your own music, and possibly play and sing at the same time. you want to be able to play "yesterday"... it's been a long time thing. although you are not a rockstar, it doesn't matter.

     As of today you are nearly two years into your Marine Corps contract. some of it has been fun, some of it hasn't. you've gotten The Big Green Weenie on your M.O.S. training though. And now you're on Camp Guard.

     You always seem to meet the most interesting people. you've met and still know some interesting souls. you've had memorable times while on liberty, and everything bad is happening in these Marine Corps years.

     you take things very hard. but get high with the help of your friends. they are always there for you. also, you've just begun going out and having fun. you have taken many pictures. as of now you are waiting to send them home to your mom and friends.

     your family is falling apart in front of your eyes.  over the phone you can do no good. you fear for your mom and sister. you hope she can make it through school and not be emotionally harmed. you realize you're going to have to start being a big brother now. it isn't as easy as you thought it would be. you love your family, but you doubt their will be a "home" when you get back. you consider moving out.
     you remember when your parents almost split up when you were young...and how much you cried at the mere thought. you remember the way your dad cut himself out of the family portraits. and how badly it hurt you. you blink. and re-live this again. you are still hyper-emotional about your family. you worry a lot about everything. you want to go home.
you just want to be home.
     you like to watch the old videos you've recorded over the years and wonder about the people you don't know anymore. you wonder where it all went.

     you miss many important dates and events due to always being away from home. you brood over the things you cannot help and wonder why you and life aren't friends anymore. yet, you know that one day everything will be better. you know.

      you watch and own many movies that make you feel.
you have always enjoyed a good depression, but love a natural smile.

one of your loves is writing. you have thousands, maybe millions of words written down in journals and thousands on a CD rom of your now dead online journal. you think most of it is decent, but you are your own toughest critic. sometimes you go back and read you writings. you write to remember. you have always put out a mysterious vibe which makes people want to figure you out. even though this is sure death.
     you write mainly about women you've known, but are able to create and destroy wonderful phrases with ink and paper.

     you are a collector of sorts and keep everything.
you wish you could sing.

you are also in love with the little things. and life.
and every so often you stop and take a walk through a freeze frame of life, and savor every bent ray of light bouncing off the glitter covered world.
you love walking in the rain, and hope to walk in the rain accompanied at least once.

you are very negative about yourself. but you can also be very cocky. you are a cynic and have set the world on fire behind you. you love attention. you regret many things and don't at the same time. you are sublime in existence. and know that everything will be alright no matter what.

All you want is for people around you to understand what you are trying to say. you would tell your whole story if they would listen.

All you want is for everyone around you to be happy.

you want to save everyone.


(it's interesting to read these things. as I was typing it out I was reading it again for the first time in ages. I left everything in. I have accomplished some of the things I desired, and that makes me feel good about being a turd. I have my halfstack, I have written music and I can play and sing some songs. some things I forgot that I had said, and now, seeing that they have come true is a feeling I can't explain.)