i'm not sure why I drank so heavily on Friday night. if I had to point to one reason, it would have to be my birthday is coming up. Then within the next week it would be my cousin's birthday. I have a rough time during these weeks. so I make bad decisions and try to wash the past away with alcohol.
*
I went to Sydney's place yesterday because I left my phone charger there. I rolled down my windows in my shit car and drove in the afternoon heat because I don't have air conditioning.
I get there and I knock on the door.
she opens the door with the cable in her hand, but I ask her if I can come in. I think subconsciously I had come for a different reason.
we talk, and I sip the water I have asked her to get for me. I do most of the talking, like always. I am sitting on the arm of the couch at this point, staring that loaded stare into nothing when I hear myself say... "my cousin and I lived a private existence"
I have started this and I can't turn back now.
say that we grew up together and pretty much lived in our own world. he never hung out with my friends and I never hug out with his friends, except later in our lives when I would bring him out with me and my friends sometimes. it's not that I was ashamed of him or anything, it pretty much the exact opposite. I wanted to keep him to myself. I loved the times when we would stay in my room all weekend and listen to music or play video games and tell stories and laugh. and laugh.
I went on to explain the story of how I ruined Christmas one year. I had been here with my cousin Angel and it just so happened that we both had leave from the Marines at the same time so we could spend some rare free time together again. in my room.
My girlfriend at the time calls me up and asks me if I want everyone to come over to my house so they can open presents. I tell her no of course, because i'm here with my cousin and I don't really want to be around everyone else right then. I am being honest but she doesn't care. she insists that it will be fun and eventually brings over the group to open presents in my room.
now, she knew I didn't want to do this, and I made it clear once everyone was there. I have always had trouble controlling my emotions and I ended up taking it out on all my friends that night. in the end my girlfriend ended up crying and saying that I ruined Christmas. At the time I was angry because I had told them not to come in the first place.
now that I look back, I realize that I spent that little time I had with Angel being a dick to my friends and not enjoying the company and time I had in that moment. some time later he left on deployment and I never saw him again.
I take things for granted. and it's one of my regrets. a living regret. I am trying to change, but it doesn't look like it's working.
I grew up with Angel and I knew I had something special while I had it. this is one of the few times in life where that has happened to me. so when I lost it, I was never able to recover. that's why I didn't want to share him.
then I look at Sydney and I say... "that's how I feel about you."
I say that I thought we got along well when we met and that I thought we were good friends. I tell her that I enjoyed driving around and listening to music, or stopping somewhere interesting to take pictures, or just watching The Office while sitting on the couch and that I missed those things. she agrees with me, which makes me feel like less of a moron for saying all this shit.
I don't have many friends, nor do I tell people things about me (in person), but I made a cherished friend that day at the zoo and I have been trying to make sure I don't lose her. I just didn't know that I was also missing the present company of the world around me.
so I told my story and made a connection to the present because it's the only way I can tell people things. I just wanted her to know that I thought about her like I thought about my cousin, because sometimes... I can tell when I have found something special while I still have it.
I said a lot more as I sat on that couch and watched the orange rays of the sun stream in through the window and seat themselves on the same couch, all the while warming a place that had been filled with people not too long ago, but was now empty. "thanks for listening to me", I told her.
*
I was going to write something else here, but I lost my motivation. i'll make it a separate piece later. i'll just post a picture of my cousin Angel from that weekend when I ruined Christmas.
This one is a random picture from the day we went to angels knoll park. that's my normal face.
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