I need it.
I think about the things that happen in my life and I imagine myself writing them down in here.
but I've been busy. or at least that's the excuse I make.
I never seem to get in the place where I belong.
I don't really tell people about this thing because it tends to hold a recurring theme.
I finished the radiology program this month, passed my registry exam, and got my A.S. degree.
but it wasn't without struggle.
when I walked into that test I felt genuinely unprepared. I burned through it in half the 3.5 hours they give and had flagged over 60 questions for review. I stood up and took break then. I walked out of the room, drank some water, used the bathroom, looked out the window, stretched...
then I went back in.
I was determined, but shaken. I'm not normally a confident test taker. in fact, only once did I hand in a test and say to the teacher, "that's an A". this time was no different. I couldn't get over the feeling that I was going to fail this test and blow the only thing I've been working for over the few years.
this whole thing means a lot to me because I feel that it's my last real chance to make something of myself. to make my mother proud. to make you proud. so I lost my mind in that little cubicle thinking that I was going to throw it all down the drain.
so I asked for your help.
I asked for the clarity and strength I could always get from you when you would talk with me. I just asked you to be there for me.
then I went to work with the resolve of a man fighting to stay alive and changed many answers while cleaning up the mess of flagged questions I had left behind. by the time I was done there was only 15 minutes left of the 3.5 hours I had originally started with.
I pushed the submit button and felt that tingling feeling in my body I have felt so many other times when I feel like something is about to end. I pushed that button and it said I had gotten a 92, and that the passing score was a 75.
I had done it.
I don't really remember driving home.
I was fucking tired. I had run myself dry trying to get everything done on time while still studying enough to get a passing score on this test I paid so much damn money to take.
but I can't be happy.
at graduation the next day all I could think about was how I wish you were there to cheer for me when they read my name.
I woke up this memorial day morning and decided to play some sad bastard country music. I listened to 'letters from home' and cried in my bed by myself thinking about the same thing again. so I decided that I would bring my cap to you so you could see it was true. so I could share something with you.
I'm fucking 33 years old and the only reason I am anything right now is because of you.
(I stared at that line trying to think of what else to say, but nothing came out... so I guess that's all for now)
