i had an interesting conversation the other night

     I said that everyone liked you.
you said that everyone except me.


I said nothing more after that.


I don't like you because of who you are. and who you'll never be.

you'll never be anything more than what you are and have always been.

I don't like you because you snorted lines off of my car, outside of your house with your friends.

because you get drunk and invite me over only to find you sitting on some other guys lap and going into back rooms with dudes so I have to go fish you out and make sure nothing happens to you, and making everyone in the house want you gone.

because you over do it and your own friends don't want to take care of you so I have to drive you home and leave you in front of your house and hope you don't die over night.

because I had to drive you to get drugs, so you could go to a party at your boyfriends house.

because you have no dreams.

and you're dumb as fuck.

you have a family, but you'd rather not have one.

because you crashed your car while driving drunk and probably on drugs as well.

because you don't really like me at all, you just want the attention from someone who isn't a fuck up like the guys you keep around you.

because you lie.

because you change into whoever you've been hanging out with lately, including their drugs of choice.

because I've watched you do more drugs than I've ever needed to.

because you're you.

that's why.

men

i believe it is important to have strong men in your life. this is what happened to the men in my life. 

My father became a drunken ass and made my mother's life miserable while I was thousands of miles away in japan, unable to come home. So I read e-mails, and listened to crying voices over the phone and carried that around with me while I pretended to be happy with my friends in the times that we had to be young and free. my mother eventually divorced him. My sister was the one to serve him the papers. He was in denial.

My Grandfather, worn down after years of rough living and drinking, gave in one day in February and died. The last time I saw him I was afraid that he didn't recognize me anymore. He was not old enough to be losing his memory. I never got to speak to him as a man, so forever I will be his little parakeet. I was still in Japan when all this happened. I never got to see where he was buried. I carried that around with me and told none of my friends. when I came home I got drunk instead. 

My step father began drinking and then got prostate cancer. He felt weak and started getting paranoid about my mom and where she was going. He would call my sister to make sure she was with my mother, and that they were at the place they said they would be. eventually my mother lost weight and began to look terrible. I'm not sure what exactly happened next because I was away. thousands of miles away. I do remember my mother calling me and trying not to cry so that I wouldn't be worried. there's no way to hide these things. Then they split up and Tim went back home to give up. Tim died far away from here in a manner that he didn't deserve. I never saw him again. 

 My Cousin was killed in the first battles of the new war in Iraq. I felt it before I called home to find out if it was true. Something told me that he wasn't here anymore. It's been eleven years and I never get better. I didn't drink when we hung out together in our youth. now I feel as though i'm trying to make up for it. I was thousands of miles away from where I have always wanted to be since he left. I understand what I have... but I would have given it all up to save him. i'm just not sure if he can handle being away from us, all alone. I hope he's not alone. I went outside to sit on that couch and stared out into the sky until I was allowed to come home for his burial. I don't remember much during that time I spent here. I usually remember everything. 

 I walk around with this in my mind and usually only talk about it when I get drunk. when someone asks about it, I just want to stop. 

I just want to be alone.

I have been alone during the most traumatic experiences of my life. It's no wonder that i'm always trying to leave, or be alone.

the air that i breathe

when I don't say anything here for a long time I miss it.

I need it.

I think about the things that happen in my life and I imagine myself writing them down in here. 
but I've been busy. or at least that's the excuse I make.

I never seem to get in the place where I belong.

I don't really tell people about this thing because it tends to hold a recurring theme.


     I finished the radiology program this month, passed my registry exam, and got my A.S. degree.
but it wasn't without struggle.

     when I walked into that test I felt genuinely unprepared. I burned through it in half the 3.5 hours they give and had flagged over 60 questions for review. I stood up and took  break then. I walked out of the room, drank some water, used the bathroom, looked out the window, stretched...

      then I went back in.

I was determined, but shaken. I'm not normally a confident test taker. in fact, only once did I hand in a test and say to the teacher, "that's an A". this time was no different. I couldn't get over the feeling that I was going to fail this test and blow the only thing I've been working for over the few years.

this whole thing means a lot to me because I feel that it's my last real chance to make something of myself. to make my mother proud. to make you proud. so I lost my mind in that little cubicle thinking that I was going to throw it all down the drain.

     so I asked for your help.
I asked for the clarity and strength I could always get from you when you would talk with me. I just asked you to be there for me.

then I went to work with the resolve of a man fighting to stay alive and changed many answers while cleaning up the mess of flagged questions I had left behind. by the time I was done there was only 15 minutes left of the 3.5 hours I had originally started with.

I pushed the submit button and felt that tingling feeling in my body I have felt so many other times when I feel like something is about to end. I pushed that button and it said I had gotten a 92, and that the passing score was a 75.

I had done it.


     I don't really remember driving home.
I was fucking tired. I had run myself dry trying to get everything done on time while still studying enough to get a passing score on this test I paid so much damn money to take.

but I can't be happy.


at graduation the next day all I could think about was how I wish you were there to cheer for me when they read my name.



I woke up this memorial day morning and decided to play some sad bastard country music. I listened to 'letters from home' and cried in my bed by myself thinking about the same thing again. so I decided that I would bring my cap to you so you could see it was true. so I could share something with you.

I'm fucking 33 years old and the only reason I am anything right now is because of you.


(I stared at that line trying to think of what else to say, but nothing came out... so I guess that's all for now)

time after

i take x-rays of babies in all states of health on a regular basis.
most of the time it doesn't affect me like it does others.

this day I went into the neonate intensive care unit to do an exam on a newborn.

nothing about it was different. the parents had been in and out, making worried/sanguine faces.
I was worried about doing the exam correctly.


during this time I was under tremendous pressure and scrutiny over my performance at work being lacking, so I was feeling as relaxed as a death row inmate waiting for that pardon call right before execution... and just as hopeful too.

I did the exam and was waiting while my accompanying tech did something on the computer behind me when I heard something in the next section over from where we were.

it sounded like singing.
singing and guitar playing.

I was curious so I walked closer until I could clearly hear the soft strings of an acoustic guitar accompanied by a velvet voice, softly singing 'time after time'.

she was leaned over her babies' bubble covered bed, sounding every bit as soulful as eva Cassidy herself.


(I have had an affinity for that specific song ever since my cousin was killed in the war when I was 20. without going much into that part of my life I will say that he loved it. a big tough marine infantryman loved that song, and I have always kept that memory of him to comfort me when I need it the most.)

     I stood there and it seemed as though everyone else had disappeared behind me.
I was admiring a private moment charged with so much underlying emotion that I didn't notice when I felt my eyes misting over the way a window pane does on a foggy winter night, and I was defenseless for a moment.


I stood there listening until I heard the world behind me come rushing back into view and I remembered I was in a hurry again.

I wiped my eyes and tried my best to get the far away look on my face from causing suspicion among the nurses and doctors bustling about the department and walked back to where my tech was sitting.

I went home later that day, like I do, and sat in my room that has slowly filled with memories over time and got my things ready for the next day.

(there was a moment that day when I felt uncertain if I would even be continuing in a program that I had spent the last few years of my life, and my only funds for school, trying to attain... but that one moment gave me a new resolve to continue. I always think of my cousin when I hear that song, and I have come to believe that he helps me when I really need it. it's a strange sign to look for, a Cyndi lauper song, but it comforts me more than anything in this life and will always assure me in the times when I feel defeated.)



I cried in the hospital like an idiot and told no one until right now.

"flashback, warm nights almost left behind, suitcase of memories, time after..."

midnight train to oklahoma.

The year was 2005.



I was in a bar with a girl that was MUCH more intoxicated than I was. I think it's funny now because currently I am the one that ends up waste beyond reproach.

But as it went that night, I was sober and she was drunk. so drunk that we had to leave the bar so she could get some air.

outside there were some small tables and a band was playing music for the crowd that had gathered to enjoy the warm Oklahoma summer night. we sat at an empty table and denied any more drinks when the waitress asked if we needed anything.

the band was asking the crowd what song they should play next and someone offered up their suggestion of "Midnight train to Georgia". someone else said they wanted to hear something fast, but in the end "midnight" won.

I had been carrying a small camera with me the whole time so I turned it on at the first mention of the Gladys knight song being played.

I sat and enjoyed my song while my girl tried to stop the world from moving so fast.

in the end I was the one that drove everyone back home and the girl sat in the seat next to me and slept the whole way home.

its funny because she was there with me, and you can hear her in the video, but I always remember it as if I was alone.

here is the video of that moment.

victory

     When we were kids and we used to play NBA Jam at your house, sometimes, i would let you win.

     Not all the time, just sometimes.
 

the things we do

I went out to take some pictures last night.

 

 

 

 

(click for larger sizes)