sometimes things happen to change your mind...

      i am done asking people to go with me to the cemetery on Memorial Day, or Veterans Day, or any other time i go.

      i don't want you to come to my birthday parties, or see me for christmas, or even come for thanks giving as these things mean nothing to me. i don't care if you ever come by.

      i have become something that i wasn't before, and maybe that's alright.

      i have waited and been disappointed. there is no more wait left in me for you.
i have so well enveloped myself in death that i feel i am the only one left to carry your flag.

      i don't always go to the cemetery to be sad. i don't want you to come if it makes you uncomfortable. but do not get upset anymore if i decide not to placate your requests.


we were two, and now i am one.



       i carry your flag with my bloody hands and i hide my regret with your left over smiles. i walk miles against the loneliness and nothing recovers the space that's been ripped. our eyes flickered at different intervals while i spent all my life remembering something i knew i would miss.

and when it came it destroyed me.

...sometimes things happen that change your mind. this is life.

when i die

i want to hear "ice dance".

i see the wave

"i will be your dixie chicken, if you'll be my tennessee lamb so we can walk together, down in dixieland"

pictures

 In oklahoma i found a wall where people apparently love sticking their gum

in

bricktown.

 In japan i stood on the corner and took some long exposures 

of myself.

another picture someone took of me at the local park in okinawa.

i landed and broke every bone in my foot.

ha. not really.

a line to a song that i didnt end up using

i dont know where you are, but could you look up at the stars tonight so i dont feel alone.

last night i went to sleep thinking

i went to sleep thinking that i wasn't gonna go to any of the viewing areas to see the space shuttle fly overhead.

when i woke up i realized that thousands of people had taken to the areas it would flyover to try and catch a glimpse of the Edeavour.

i watched the awesome sight on TV as it came from santa barbara, flew over griffith park, buzzed LAX and took off over to Orange County.

i sat in regret wondering why i didnt go to see it.

i had given up.

my closest viewing area would be the Boeing plant in Seal/Huntington beach. which happens to be right down the street from me. but i hadnt showered, or shaved, or had clothes to wear.

i sat and watched the excitement on TV and i wondered why i hadn't gone.

then i heard something.

a distant rumble.

and before i could think, it was like i was at the airport listening to planes land and i knew this wasn't just a normal plane flying by.

i put on my stupid bed slippers and ran outside trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.

     i ran outside and looked up at the sky like a moron, then ran around the back of my house.
 then i saw it.
i felt it.
i saw the Endeavour on the back of that giant plane and the two fighter jets flying right over my house... most likely on its way to the Boeing plant.

it was amazing.

i felt like a child.

i watched the shuttle as it disappeared over the horizon of houses and stood there for a few seconds thinking about all that the Endeavour has been through, and that this was the only time in history that i would be able to see this sight. the only time in history.

from now on it will live at the science center where i will probably go see it, cause i'm a nerd.

i really dont even know what to write or say right now, i'm so excited.

earlier i thought i would have just missed it and gotten over it, and now i can't believe it flew right over the house.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, if you think about something... when it happens, you never forget it.

june 25 2007

i took my 1st student out to drive today.
yeah.