should be sleeping...

this is just going to be a jumble of shit.


i was playing some remix version of 'hurt' by nine inch nails in the department tonight and i was enjoying it because i'm a sad bastard.

i walk out of the room into the little hallway and notice a transporter is sitting there taking a break.
i say to him, sorry for playing sad music, dude.

he promptly says that its ok, it doesn't bother him.
i'm in an honest mood and i tell him that i watch people die all day so i feel sad at night sometimes.

he asks me if i was here earlier for the code blue and i reply that that's exactly what i was talking about.

he says that he was in there while they were doing CPR on him when they managed to get a pulse back, a weak one, but a pulse nonetheless.

he says that the man opened his eyes and tried to say something...

i imagine it was to his wife, whom i saw crying in the room.

the man opened his eyes for a brief last moment and then slipped away to whatever was calling him home. he never woke up again.

at this moment me and the transporter share a moment of deep understanding of human suffering and sorrow while trying to express that it's part of our jobs to witness this on a daily basis.

i take this time to walk out to do a portable and i can hear in the background as i walk out these words i hold so dear...

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

i'm afraid of death for many reasons, but a major one is losing yourself.

not ever being me again. 

my thoughts.

 my love.

my mind.

you.

i don't know what i would do without you.