i used to write

     I used to write these letters to myself about once a year. this is one of them.




At this point in time, or better yet,
As of June 3rd, 2002...
 
The girl who you were with for almost 3 years,
karys, has left you.

     you're still in love with her, or the idea of her.
you had the most wonderful of times with her. and she loved you.
in return, you were inconsiderate, unappreciative and a bastard.
but she claims every moment was great... you have since apologized to her. and she in turn brought up all the times that made everything worth it. and even though you're not together anymore... you still talk to her because she said she still wanted to be friends. you didn't, but you do it for her. and partly because you can't let go.

     you have two current best friends...
sam and bishop.
you talk to bishop on rare occasions...but you have had the best of times with him. anything stupid that could possibly be thought, you two have done.
and even though you met in high school, you are brought close by certain moments in life where each has been a shoulder to lean on. you still want to do many things with bishop. and that road trip is still in the works.

     sam you talk to more often... you and him have also known each other since high school, but are also just like brothers. you share the same taste in most areas and have the same obsessions. you got sam started playing the guitar and he's come a long way. you and him always talk about "Pollux Cock"... the band you are going to start one day. you and sam have also helped each other through the times when the world got blurry. he has also always been there for you. for sam, there is nothing you wouldn't do. and although sometimes you don't approve of the things he does. in the end you just want him to be happy too.

     there are many girls you have loved. but there is one you've always had a crush on. her name is Rachael. she is the kind of girl that everyone likes. the kind of girl that it's easy to fall in love with. you have seen her strong. you have held her hand when weak. you tell her things no one knows. she may be your only true female friend, and it's great. she is the most beautiful girl you know. well, you and sam.
     you both hold her in the highest of regards. in fact, she is your latest muse. you've written some decent poems about her. but you don't think you'll ever tell her any of this. you don't wanna ruin anything you have. you never know what to say to her.

     you just bought the second guitar you have bought with your own money... an Ibanez acoustic/electric with an awesome fire pattern around the sound hole. it sounds great. your first guitar is still in good condition. everyone makes fun of it, but you know it does what it's supposed to. that guitar, you will leave the way it is. you want to buy an Ibanez RG570... and that $1,500 Gretsch. you also want a Marshall half stack. yeah. but that is just a "want". you don't practice as much as you should, but you are learning new things. you wish you could play some stuff with sam, so you could record it and save it. you still dream of being able to write your own music, and possibly play and sing at the same time. you want to be able to play "yesterday"... it's been a long time thing. although you are not a rockstar, it doesn't matter.

     As of today you are nearly two years into your Marine Corps contract. some of it has been fun, some of it hasn't. you've gotten The Big Green Weenie on your M.O.S. training though. And now you're on Camp Guard.

     You always seem to meet the most interesting people. you've met and still know some interesting souls. you've had memorable times while on liberty, and everything bad is happening in these Marine Corps years.

     you take things very hard. but get high with the help of your friends. they are always there for you. also, you've just begun going out and having fun. you have taken many pictures. as of now you are waiting to send them home to your mom and friends.

     your family is falling apart in front of your eyes.  over the phone you can do no good. you fear for your mom and sister. you hope she can make it through school and not be emotionally harmed. you realize you're going to have to start being a big brother now. it isn't as easy as you thought it would be. you love your family, but you doubt their will be a "home" when you get back. you consider moving out.
     you remember when your parents almost split up when you were young...and how much you cried at the mere thought. you remember the way your dad cut himself out of the family portraits. and how badly it hurt you. you blink. and re-live this again. you are still hyper-emotional about your family. you worry a lot about everything. you want to go home.
you just want to be home.
     you like to watch the old videos you've recorded over the years and wonder about the people you don't know anymore. you wonder where it all went.

     you miss many important dates and events due to always being away from home. you brood over the things you cannot help and wonder why you and life aren't friends anymore. yet, you know that one day everything will be better. you know.

      you watch and own many movies that make you feel.
you have always enjoyed a good depression, but love a natural smile.

one of your loves is writing. you have thousands, maybe millions of words written down in journals and thousands on a CD rom of your now dead online journal. you think most of it is decent, but you are your own toughest critic. sometimes you go back and read you writings. you write to remember. you have always put out a mysterious vibe which makes people want to figure you out. even though this is sure death.
     you write mainly about women you've known, but are able to create and destroy wonderful phrases with ink and paper.

     you are a collector of sorts and keep everything.
you wish you could sing.

you are also in love with the little things. and life.
and every so often you stop and take a walk through a freeze frame of life, and savor every bent ray of light bouncing off the glitter covered world.
you love walking in the rain, and hope to walk in the rain accompanied at least once.

you are very negative about yourself. but you can also be very cocky. you are a cynic and have set the world on fire behind you. you love attention. you regret many things and don't at the same time. you are sublime in existence. and know that everything will be alright no matter what.

All you want is for people around you to understand what you are trying to say. you would tell your whole story if they would listen.

All you want is for everyone around you to be happy.

you want to save everyone.


(it's interesting to read these things. as I was typing it out I was reading it again for the first time in ages. I left everything in. I have accomplished some of the things I desired, and that makes me feel good about being a turd. I have my halfstack, I have written music and I can play and sing some songs. some things I forgot that I had said, and now, seeing that they have come true is a feeling I can't explain.)

sometimes you have to forget about things

this isn't some all revealing shit.

sometimes you have to forget about things, even if you don't want to.

..to dance.

     I have learned half of what I know from my mother.
I remember when we lived in the house on Flight street, my cousin would be over and we would be sitting on this giant beige beanbag couch we had in the living room, when all of a sudden my mom would come in and ask us if we wanted to go to Disneyland the next morning. The places changed over time, Universal Studios, Sea World... but the feeling was always the same. she never planned any of those things, she would just spring them on us, and since my dad was a killjoy he never went, so it was just my mom and us kids.

     I have a feeling that she preferred it that way. just her and us, going everywhere.


     My mother is where I learned to not make plans. She is all over the place most of the time, just like me. Now, I turn around and bring that to the people I know. I just came back from a trip to Monterey and the surrounding areas. a trip that I thought up the day before.

     If I had more courage I would be more impulsive. I would take that chance. I would go. I would dance.

    In me there is a spark of my mother's spontaneity and courage.


     ...if you ever see this, I just wanted to say that I hope you dance.
your name is close enough to it.

 

 

when you're lonely, you reach out.

     being in Iraq sucked. the girl I was seeing was doing her brother back at home, my family was in uproar and I was in fucking Iraq. I wrote several of the songs that became the stuff we played when we were a band and played actual shows.

     I also reached out to people from my past. I wrote my English teacher an e-mail. this is that conversation...(I have corrected some spelling errors so I don't look like a dumbass.)



Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 01:20:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: greetings from iraq

hello mr. elsten.
this is christian garibay, I slacked off in your class
along with sam morales some time ago... remember me?
i had always wanted to go back to speak with you, but i
have been in japan for 2 years and now i've been in
iraq for 6 months... but i'd still like to speak to
you. if it's ok that is...
well i have no time left so i'll see if you respond to
this e mail.

-Christian



He replied.



Chris:  I remember you as one of the most interesting, thoughtful young men of the decade.  As a student, you were puzzling and a bit self-destructive.  You read things once and did very well in OCAD {Orange County Academic Decathlon}.  I'll never forget the Viagra comment at the awards dinner.  Very bold for a youngster.
What is your duty in Iraq?  What is your rank now?  What are your plans for freedom?  Any career in mind?  Any poetry written in the past years?  Any poetry read in the past years?  Are you still interested in singing in a band? (I wouldn't quit your day job for this)  I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close.  Has that gone away?  I really admired her as a strong woman who knew what she was about.  You, on the other hand....
There is no safe duty in Iraq so be very, very cautious and smart.  I expect to see you when you have time and interest.  Do not come to me without having read something very profound (Harry Potter does not qualify)

Be safe,

J. Elsten




    I never replied to this. i'm not really sure why. I never went to see him either. I don't make the best decisions obviously.  

a girl i left a girl for, who left me.

     This is my life. I have brought it out for you to see. most of the time I am standing on the edge of destroying this thing. with my toes over the edge something always brings me back.


     When I was being driven to LAX by my parents so I could start my 1 year tour in Okinawa, japan, my girlfriend of the time wrote me this note. I found it a few minutes ago.


"Christian Garibay

     Dearest chris, I really don't know what to say, except for, the situation won. I really despise this fact because I love you so much and wished that there were ways that our relationship together would survive. It hurts me so much knowing that you feel their's no way "us" would work. I feel horrible because I know I influenced that thought.
     I really thought I could "DEAL" with all of the changes, but I can't allow myself to understand that you have no control or time.
     I know I make you feel like shit and I am truly sorry. maybe we were supposed to meet each other later in life.
     I guess since we met so early we were just damaging to one another. but I have loved you since you laughed at me in class. you always seem to amaze me.

     I just want you to know that I love you, and will always love you. and when you find out what you want please tell me.
                I will be waiting for your response.
                                                   
                                            Loving you endlessly,
                                                                             05/23/01

P.s.
        I wish you the best
  and hope you find your dreams and make them happen.
I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you."



In that old red minivan I was given a hastily written note by the girl who lived on Bluebell Ave. 6 months later, we were through. One of my favorite relationship quotes came from my high school English teacher. I sent him an e-mail while I was out in Iraq. He asked " I recall you and Miss Foster were rather close.  Has that gone away?"

in my old books

     in my old books I have written lots of little sayings. I am not sure if they're mine or someone else's. here are some.

"they figure i'm the leader because I talk too much."


"war wins over the heart, what death wins over the soul."
(I googled this one and it took me to my old live journal.)



"jack and jill they took some pills, to fit in with their friends. but jack OD'd and jill gave in, now both of them are dead."




"I don't pick them, they pick themselves and I have to figure out what to do with them from there"

when i wake up.

I woke up to this... at seven-thirty PM. ha.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the

rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway