no one

i care about people very deeply.

but i can throw them away in an instant.
it doesn't mean that i care about them less.

i really have no idea what i am trying to say tonight. but i feel like talking.

a long time ago, a friend confided in me some terrible information.
     i suppose my terrible information is that i do all these things for people because i don't know how to show them how i really feel.
 and maybe i think that my monetary gestures will spark a small amount of something resembling memory in them,..

a while ago i mentioned that i no longer would ask people to come with me to the cemetery...
   tonight i decided (while absolutely drunk) that i will no longer put forth any effort for christmas.

i just don't feel it anymore.

i'm not really sure how to explain it.

.i am a drunken idiot

i'm tired of feeling like an ass.
like someone always has to be on the lookout for me.

tonight i came home drunk.

and everyone let me know.

i feel it's time to stop.

i have become my father.

i'm being honest when i say i don't want to be the guy everyone had to watch out for.

i drink because i'm upset. i drink for a purpose.

     elevator music plays in my head and i'm transported to a time when time after time played on repeat because of someone else.

i drink because i can't control it.

i drink to be closer to you.

i feel bad because i want to be alone.
because i want to walk home at 2AM,
because everyone expects this from me.

you can never win in life. i have learned to accept this.

tonight i will listen to nancy wilson and imagine it was me.
i'll imagine it was me...

i'll find you again.

"every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around"

the free will of people is something i admire.


the ability to get into the car and go drive around aimlessly. losing your voice along the way from singing along to the stereo and remembering.

deciding in the middle of the night to go to a bar and have a drink, alone.

choosing a new career.

telling stories to your life-long friends that they may have never heard before.



     some days i want the world to fall apart in my hands, some days i want to walk in the sunshine.

.in this very moment i'm king

i may be happier sitting here alone thinking about the times we had.

can you blame me?

i've spent the last 10 years thinking of the past. i wasn't much different before but i would like to think that i enjoyed life more while it was happening...

i waited all year to be in that pit on thursday night, standing in front of billie and blue.

i felt like i was 16 again and giving my angst to the crowd in some dirty parking lot under the summer sun... near my friends but alone at the same time.

thursday night i sang like i havent sang in a long time. i was alive for a few minutes.

and even though vicky was there with me, i was alone. i had a clear sight line to billie and it was me and him for a few chords while words drifted away from me and all i could think about was this moment wont last. this moment wont last.

right now i'm sitting here in my room by myself. smiling.
feeling this music i'm listening to. thinking of the past.

i love making new memories, but i also enjoy reliving them later.

i have your memories here with me too.
everyone's. i give them back periodically when i feel up to it. i remember everything.

the farther  away times get, the more blurry they become... but they still beat through me like the last heartbeats of a dying dream.

      my cousin gave me a green Hurley shirt a million years ago, here in this very room where i sit now. i dont remember if it was for my birthday or not. but i do remember i wore that shirt for over 10 years before i decided to retire it so it wouldn't fall apart more than i already had.

     the collar is frayed and there may be a few small holes in it, the fabric is soft now from being washed over and over. i may even be too fat for it now. ha.

     that shirt became REAL the day i put it in that drawer forever. even though it was too late to appreciate it.

     now i have a new green hurley shirt that i was given recently, and i will own one as long as those kinds of shirts exist. it is my totem. it represents the old green shirt i was given in my youth. it represents my clenched hand holding strong onto the few grains of sand i have left from the vast beach of life we walked on, and i can't let them go.

    

This is the day i left for Okinawa. That's the shirt.

dying in public

     i was on my way to do my taxes because i'm a procrastinator.

when i came across a fire truck at an intersection.
i have always had a fascination with emergency vehicles, so i was curious as to where it was going.

i followed it down the street with my eyes and noticed that at the next light there was a bright blue light and it wasn't moving.

after the truck passed i drove toward the blue light, partly because it was the way i was supposed to go, and partly because i wanted to see what had happened. i am the public.

as i pulled up to the intersection the light turned red so i had my opportunity to see what was going on.

traffic was chaotic as there was now an ambulance, several cop cars, and the fire truck on the scene. on the corners there were groups of people standing and jostling around to get a better view. in the middle of the street was a motorcycle rider and a mangled motorcycle slightly under a red truck.

the man on the ground was surrounded by EMS workers unfolding their neck braces and preparing the stretcher for transport.

the people on the corner did their best paparazzi impression with their phones and devices held up in the air like candles in a vigil where no one cares about the victim, only caring about where they're going to post those shitty video clips later on.

in my car After The Burial played a song called To Carry You Away...

"When the ocean tide has risen to high
And the waters have come to carry you away
Remember I will always be there to sing you to sleep"

the man lay there on the hot street in the view of everyone passing by, in the view of the people crowded on the streets, in the view of me.

the light turned green and i drove forward.

i did not look at the man.

but i thought to myself... you can't even die privately anymore.

i'm supposed to be asleep right now.

my eyes were burning a couple hours ago when i told june i was going to sleep.

but my mind keeps me awake.

i just wrote a new song today... and i keep listening to the little snippets i have recorded to remind myself of how certain parts will go when i finally record it.


i'm sad and lonely but i want no one to be near me. i want to drink all the alcohol there is and wake up somewhere on the floor of your fond memories of me.

i want to be able to sing without my throat hurting all the time.

i will always be afraid.

to have friends because i have been such a bad one.
to be a lover because i have been such a bad one.

everyone knows where to find me, but i feel no one looks.

my mind wont shut off so i can rest tonight... or any other night.



i just want you to stay with me...


i guess there's a time for everything, and i have no problem telling people that. i don't know the time and place for my strange feelings of belonging somewhere else.

i'm sorry you feel the way you do, and i feel helpless most of the time.
i'm sorry you feel the way you do, and i feel helpless most of the time.

i'm sorry you feel the way you do, and i feel helpless all the time.

i'm writing you this note on a napkin as we sit across the table from each other in a strange restaurant.
under the table your feet shuffle around near mine, and sometimes, they touch.
i look up at you and you look down at your water glass while trying to hold back a smile.
fingers silently collect condensation from water glasses and conversation escapes us but it's not a problem.
i keep writing.
i imagine leaving and having you ask me what i was writing back there.
then i hear the sound of glass hitting table and cold on my hands.
all that i've written to you is streaking down the edge of the table and neither of us is smiling anymore.
speechless, you stand and walk out.
because you know me so well, because you know the napkin was for you.


halfway to the car you notice the stars are out and shining brighter than usual.
you turn back to where we were sitting just minutes before and see an old boarded up building where you swore you just walked out of.

there are no stars, there are no lights.
there are no stars, there are no lights.

10 years in my pocket

i woke up and got into my piece of shit car.

as i was driving down the freeway there was a gap in the traffic and i was left in the middle with a clear view of the fastrak lanes. in the distance, i saw a hearse.
a single hearse with no cars behind it.

i sped up to see if there was anyone in the back but i couldn't get a good look.

then it hit me.
it hit me hard.

it was 10 years ago and i was watching the hearse that carried my cousin to riverside national cemetery. i almost had to pull over.... but i kept driving and trying to not lose it completely. i drove next to that hearse for a good while as the music and sounds from the world outside faded away into a soft murmur and i was left alone to watch the last journey of this hearse.

it was just me and the hearse, the traffic never blocking my view the whole ride, traveling at the same speed. the only difference was that this time there was no column of policemen on motorcycles leading the way, or a trail of cars miles long, or city buses carrying the hundreds of people that could not drive themselves. there were no crowds of people lining the streets waving hands and flags as we drove by. there were no veterans from all over coming to pay respects to someone they never met in life. no news vans, no reporters. no photographers.

all of that was gone.

the only things were that hearse and a crying boy who never grew up.  

i stopped living life all those years ago in march. i stopped participating.
i found it very hard to care about people and their lives and i became an inconsolable wreck.
everything reminded me of him and it still does. i spend all my time preoccupied with death and dying. i drink until i can't remember what happened and then i do it again.
i have become nothing in those ten years. i just sit around like an asshole feeling sorry for myself.

i see him when i'm out in public places. i dream about us.
All i wanna do is forget.
i never want to let you go.



i got to the cemetery and spread out my blanket. i put up the flag as i always do. and i sat down to clear the grass clippings off of the stone. i was alone out there for a while, then i saw his mother getting out of a car that had pulled up. she sat down next to me and laid down the flowers that she had brought. then my sister showed up too. his mother then had to leave because the lady that brought her had more important things to do.

after his mother had left, a car full of guys showed up. they walked around and finally made their way to where we were sitting on the blanket. they carefully placed flowers at the head of the stone and tried to not bother us. so i spoke to the one who was closest to me and i found out that it was the friend with whom my cousin had lived during high school and some of his football buddies.

i asked them to share stories and they were more than happy to do so. i told them that i knew all of them without even seeing them because i remembered them from the stories my cousin would tell me. we laughed and traded stories while trying to hold in the reason we were all there.

one of his friends kept saying that he couldn't believe it had already been 10 years.

we were out there for hours, talking, when a man walked up to us and asked if we would like him to play the bagpipes for our veteran. we all said yes. i knew he was going to play amazing grace, i can't listen to amazing grace (as played on the bagpipes) without crying. so he walks back slowly playing the bagpipes...playing the marine corps hymn, some songs i don't recognize, and amazing grace. i watched through mist as he played and we all tried to stand so we could see him. then he turned around and walked slowly back to his car without giving us the time to thank him properly. somber faced, we all looked at each other and wished out loud that none of this had ever happened.

after a while everyone left to go do the things that people do in life.
one guy had to go celebrate his daughters birthday.
...March 23.
my mothers birthday.
the exact day i got back from iraq.
the day i stopped living too.

i don't know how to explain it and i don't try. all i can do is hold in tears and pretend everything is fine until the next time i go back to the cemetery.

i sat there for a while by myself after everyone had left. touching the cool stone and wiping tears from my face. remembering.

i played the music box that i always play and gathered my stuff to leave.
i sat in my car as i do when i go by myself and i played amazing grace on the car radio.

i looked toward the green field marked with a big American flag and remembered a time when we were kids with all our dreams in our hands like marbles we had just won on the playground that day.

then i left.

i called a friend of mine to see if she would eat lunch with me and hang out for a bit afterwards.

driving down the 15 in the heat of the day with no air conditioning i thought that i would trade my life for his. as if all this nothing i had become could be used to get him back, i would do it.

i had lunch with my friend and then we watched some episodes of the office. but time caught up to me and i had to make the long drive home.

as i left the house and got into my car i sat there for a while and let the sadness envelop me.
i sent her a text from my car...

Now that i'm out of reach i cant tell you i had a really shitty day and i didn't wanna be alone. 
so thank you for making space in your busy schedule to hang out.
i appreciate it and you for being my friend.

    i drove home feeling terrible.


10 years ago i had no idea you'd no longer be here to help me in life like you always did, and i fell apart.

i want nothing more than the impossible.